Gifting on a Budget, or Happy Holidays, amirite?!

Secretly I love Christian, commercial Christmas. Sure, some people are jerks, but I legitimately see that most people are happy and excited for almost a whole month, and as an empath that always rubs off on me whether I intend it to or not. Then factor in the part that Yule, one of my favorite sabbats, plays and sprinkle in extra time with my favorite people with "regular" jobs since suddenly they have flexible schedules and time to goof off on my schedule and I am a very happy little queer through much of December. One frequent problem that I KNOW most of my readers share with me though is when I sit down to make my "who to buy for" list and cross reference it with my budget what usually follows is a few days of internal screaming, invasive thoughts equating my worth as a friend/partner/daughter to that of my bank account and the sudden desire to take out ten new credit lines. So in lieu of a Gift guide addled with specific products and companies, here's a "how to gift" guide for those of us living more modestly. Please feel free to submit your own tips and tricks on how you successfully do gift-giving occasions on a dime (or less).

Nurture that Nostalgia
Regardless of your own age, you probably have some people on your "nice" list that have fond memories of Mix CD's, collages commemorating special events, framed photos, and scrapbooks. Use any combination of those things I mentioned, and you've created a highly personal, extra wallet-sparing gift. Your mom/grandma/etc. would especially love a scrapbook, and I promise your new girlfriend will be super endeared to an old school mix CD with her current favorite love jams and yours cohabitating. Another way to hit that nostalgia button (which almost always wins the gift-giving, let's be honest) with minimal (but some) expense is to hit up thrift stores specifically looking for vintage band, movie, or comic book t-shirts, out-of-print board games in decent condition, or the absolute silliest first run Lisa Frank figures you can find. One of my sisters does something like this for me on years we decide to exchange gifts, and I am the proud owner of a Taylor Hanson biography and Ask Zandar board game, and frequently point them out to guests.

Gift Cards, Coupons, and BOGOs.
I know what you're thinking--gift cards are a TERRIBLE gift to give when you're broke. I'm not suggesting you buy gift cards, I promise. However, you're probably sitting on a few that you've received that you're not into or just haven't used for yourself, not to mention all the coupons and BOGOs sitting in the "promotions" tab on your inbox right now. You can definitely use those to stock up for the holidays instead of pushing yourself to eat food you're not into or buy crap you don't need. If it's a restaurant, offer to take someone to dinner on you. Most other places, even coffee shops, have stuff you can buy if you really want them to have something under the tree from you. Bonus: use the odd amount left to snag something small for yourself after all. Self-care is important around the holidays.

Use Your Skills
I'm not above gifting someone I know walks on the witchy or weird side a half hour reading, or an hour if I really love them. Or tickets to shows I produce or have an "in" at. They were probably going to buy them anyway, so you're saving them cash and giving them a unique experience they're not going to get elsewhere. I actually use this one sparingly--only for people I know will be absolutely thrilled by it and need the hour to focus on themselves. Maybe you don't have anything that tangible to offer, but a handmade card with a note that your gift is driving your burned out mom friend's kids around one weekend a month for the next three months, or that you'll deep clean your chronic pain-ridden friend's apartment are still incredibly generous, super well-loved gifts.

Homemade Goodies!
We aren't all crafting mavericks (though if you are, what are you doing here? You've got this holiday on lock!), but in a world of Pinterest almost anyone can make the moistest brownies ever or put together an essential oil blend of one of your sibling's very favorite scents.

Buy Local/Small
I know on the surface this seems more expensive, but local businesses usually offer sales throughout most of December, not just on certain days. If you scour, you will find really marvelous gifts for big box store prices. However, going even smaller is a surefire way to hit the nail on the head every time. Head out to as many craft/art fairs as you can squeeze in. Someone always has a sale or hand made merch they're trying to sell out before the end of the year. I once found a saint candle of Wednesday Addams for $8. I bought it for me, so this isn't the best example, but it does illustrate my point. Search Etsy for good deals and those having sales, or Ebay for stuff that's still in print and in stock. It only gets pricey for out of print things or big "must have this season" gifts. 

Don't let this be the only time you shop small!

...AND Don't Stress About Holiday Parties & Potlucks
I usually end up with a couple odd bottles of alcohol I'm not crazy about, and while I would never show up with a third of a bottle of mediocre liquor, what I LOVE to do is pour that mediocre liquor into a really yummy juice (or three and maybe some ginger ale) I either made myself or got on sale and make a unique cocktail for the event. I also strongly recommend big batch cooking. For example, stuffed shells, vegan, vegetarian, or not, are surprisingly simple to make if you don't mind the time involved. I'm very likely to sit down and make several casserole dishes full at once, since the time spent isn't that much more, and freeze any that I'm not going to use immediately. Just reheat them before the appropriate event and go! This works great for soup and homemade bread (which are much easier to make than people think) too. And remember, if even that's beyond your capability, there's no shame in being the grocery store chips and salsa bringer, because you know what exhausted, drunk holiday party-goers love? Grocery store chips and salsa. I know. I often am that party-goer. You can also, like in the stock photo below, get a standard amount of food and make individual cups--it looks much more personal and time consuming, and it's not a ton of energy or effort.

These are some of the ways I survive the holiday season with my generous spirit and dignity in tact. Essentially it comes down to creativity and heart, two things I know most of you have in spades. So get thinking and feeling, dig through that promotions tab or that weird section of your wallet, and you'll know exactly what to do.

Blessed be, and though I'll talk to you soon, happy holidays to you and yours.

Tangled Roots Oracle Gets AMAZING Update

Hello all! This post is so long overdue, and I'm happy to finally be sitting down and writing it. Some of you may remember back in April, I reviewed the first run of a friend's deck, and while I overall loved it (and it's the only Oracle deck I use regularly), I had some issues with one card--the Commitment card. To recap, the deck we're discussing is an incredible independent Oracle deck by Leora Effinger-Weintraub, called the Tangled Roots Oracle. The deck was created in the spirit of Leora's own spiritual tradition--the ecstatic tradition of the Upper Mississippi River Reclaiming community in Minnesota, USA., and while my own practice is incredibly eclectic, I responded very deeply to the deck's Earth based roots that still leave room for the very human experience of well, being human.

However, the original commitment card in the Tangled Oracle gave me cause for pause. While I myself am monogamous (mostly) and future-family minded, the rad queer in me had a lot of trouble accepting two wedding rings as a sign of commitment. I felt, and still feel, that that can be isolating for a lot of poly people, LGBTQ+ people, and even just Pagans who prefer handfasting or unique tradition to gold rings so often assumed to belong in heterosexual wedding scenarios, and in a deck so rooted in paganism and universality I felt it was particularly jarring.

Well, after hearing this feedback and taking some time to think about their own life and commitments, Leora updated their already spectacular Oracle deck, and this is the updated Commitment card:

When Leora's spouse handed me my copy of the updated card, something moved in me, very similar to the feeling most of the cards in this deck give me when I pull them, and I was thrilled when Leora had this to say about the update online: "The "Three Sisters" companion planting of corn, bean, and squash shows how multiple beings can grow together, supporting and nourishing each other. I honor all relationships: friendships, couples, open relationships, committed polyamory.... All the ways our commitment supports each other."

See, if you get readings from me, I am very likely to use gardening metaphors. Planting, harvesting, waiting, weeding, these are all crucial elements of most things in life, and this metaphor for all types of relationships struck the exact right chord. Furthermore, this card's very re-creation in this manner displays the themes at play in the card itself. In my critique, for example, I honored my commitment to honesty in relationships, and my commitment to my relationships as a result. In being so honest in my feedback, I displayed my commitment to better, more honest, more personal divination, as well as to Leora as a creator and friend who I knew could come up with something brilliant in lieu of the traditional wedding rings. In considering my feedback so heavily and creating such a card, Leora showed a commitment to their deck, our friendship, and their current art fans to keep pushing and creating things that represented the communities they're a part of. They showed a commitment to the Pagan community, the queer community, and the world at large to think outside the box.

With this update, this deck is a solid 10/10 for even skeptical Oracle deck users. The way the cards work together represent the Three Sisters plants growing in and of themself, and more than that, so many people are still living in the dark, terrified after last Tuesday. What better time to show your commitment to your friends, family, community--what better time to acknowledge that commitment isn't a one time gesture of generosity, but a lifetime of following that initial planting with maintenance and with cycles of death and rebirth and trust that no matter what happens, the things we've planted will grow again. This is a post I should've written a couple of months ago--but with everything that's happened recently, there is likely no better time to praise and honor the commitments my friends and I have made to each other. This card is breathtaking, and I hope everyone reading takes time to think about all the "Three Sisters" relationships in their life and how to use this card's lessons to honor and nurture them moving forward.

Again, you can check out Leora's deck here and grab your own. Thank you so much to the Effinger-Weintraub's and their commitment to our artsy, nerdy, Pagan friendship, and to Leora for creating such a beautiful deck.

Until next time, dear readers, Blessed be.

Whelp, That Happened

On Tuesday so many of our worst fears got confirmed. Hate, anger, and fear won--for now. What I'm having the hardest time wrapping my head around spiritually is this: it shouldn't have. By which I mean Clinton won the popular vote and when you factor in third party votes or conscientious abstainers, well over half of America voted against hate. And yet our government is structured so that it won anyway. Love had numbers on it's side, and hate still won and I am still reeling from trying to place that somewhere productive in my milleu. And I know the fight isn't over. It's never over, and it's wouldn't have been over under Clinton who I enthusiastically voted for with every intention to keep her accountable on the issues I didn't agree with. The good fight has undeniably received a huge hit though, and I made a spread to follow up my pre-election post from Sunday. If it's useful to you, use it as much as you can.

This one is five cards. Deck used is this one. I started with an overarching question that many of us who have been reading about faithless electors, impeachment, and eradicating the electoral college have been thinking: is this round actually over, or is fighting worth it at this point? The Six of Earth reminds us that nothing is really over until we say it is, that there are safe places and touchstones even in the darkest times, and that fighting is always worth it. A bit vaguer of an answer that I wanted, but after reading an egregious amount of journalism, real and pseudo, over the past few days, I believe it's saying this: we should fight all the fights that are feasible to keep the Trump/Pence ticket out because it may not work this time, but it's crucial for future progressive elections and will make a huge difference in the long-term. AND we may actually see something come of it. Don't give up, have hope, and know that even if this is it, and Trump is our answer, that there are still safe places and people we can build community with now.

The next three are more straightforward and more about us and less about the election. The placements are:

1. What do we do to cope in the immediate?
2. How do we change our behavior so this doesn't happen again? (IE how do we stop contributing to white cisnormative heteropatriachy supremacy)
3. What DOES the future look like right now, and how does that affect us?

The final card in this one is "What do I need to know, no matter how things turn out?" That's the top one.

This sample reading, mostly geared towards me but potentially useful to you says this: our coping mechanism is the 10 of Air, a card of tarot specifically in this case. For me, tarot has always been my healer and my saving grace. It has gotten me through major stepping stones in each of my careers. It has aided my therapy. It has given me answers, guidance, and hope when I didn't even know or think I deserved them, and so for me this is obvious: turn to the tarot like I've always done. For you it may not be tarot--the message I have for those reading based on this is turn to whatever has always healed and soothed YOU, the thing that has gotten you through crossroad after crossroad and threshold after threshold. That thing hasn't gone anywhere. So I'm going to keep flipping cards, creating art, and writing it all down to share with you. I'm going to snuggle my queerplatonic partner and my cats even harder and more often. My coffee habit is going nowhere in the immediate. And you--you do whatever the equivalent to these things is to you.

The cards then remind me to always be fair and balanced if I want to tip the scales of progress in the future. Flying off at the mouth may not be my best bet right now. For some people it absolutely will be, remember, this was primarily a personal reading. For YOU this one is about always putting your money, your carbon footprint, your mouth where your heart is. We all need to evaluate our own part in getting to this point. No white person, no cis person, no man, no straight person, no able-bodied or healthy person is completely innocent. There is more you can do and the time to evaluate that is now.

Unfortunately with the God card here, we're in for it to be a little rough for awhile. Those coping mechanisms and our community building skills are going to be crucial. We will be struggling against white supremacy and patriarchy for awhile. It's important to remember that even if somehow this vote gets overturned, this ticket has uncorked those who have been dying to act out hatred and bigotry for Goddess knows how long. That's not going to go away overnight. Getting a different president in will not solve all of our problems. We have to keep fighting back, we have to expect change to be small at first. We have to be strong and disciplined and strategic. That last keyword is just as important as the others now.

Finally, the "what do I need to know?" card gives us a card of cows and farms and "slow but steady." Remember that there is enough to go around. Do not center your movement in greed and power grabs--that's how we got here in the first place. Donate to organizations that need it if you're able. Try to live your life as normally as possible. Trust that true change takes time but hearts are softening as we speak. Your home is still your sanctuary for now, and if it isn't, there is a sanctuary for you. Find it.

BUT WAIT--while this spread gave me a ton to plan, think about, meditate on, etc. I really needed to pull one more card, to see if there was any hope that the next 4-8 years would either not be Trump or Pence-led, and if they were if there was any way it wouldn't be terrible. And the deck gave me this:

Check out that 90's-tastic fabric on my favorite ugly chair.

Primal matriarchal, earthy energy. Fertility, success, creation. Love. Compassion. Your Divine is still here and it is listening. Make of that what you will.

Until next time, Blessed Be.

Election Anxiety and Beyond-A Reading for Hope and Healing

I've had nightmares about this upcoming Tuesday all week and my chest tightens at the mention of election anything. Living with PTSD is never a cakewalk but this election cycle is another monster entirely. For so many of us living with anxiety, trauma, and mental illness it seems like there's a new trigger at every turn, a new reason to be fearful every time we check into Facebook, a new person in our lives we learn we can not trust because of the levity with which they treat these triggers.

Tarot will probably not save the world--but as a spiritual person I serve liberation and empowerment, and with most things in life that starts in our homes and in our hearts. So while I did a not-quite-cheerful reading about the election with the intention to share it with you all, I ultimately decided against it.

Because we KNOW Tuesday is going to be a living nightmare of anxiety and we KNOW that many will take their anxiety out on others, creating a dreamscape Stephen King himself couldn't have dreamt of, and we KNOW that equity and compassion might lose. Big time. And ONE function if tarot is to warn us of what's to come or give us the truth about where we are right now--but it's not it's only function.

Because like the bulk of my spiritual work, tarot is also about healing and empowerment. It's about learning how to move on even when we don't want to or don't think we can. It's not about the Death card, it's about how we learn to live again after the fact. So here's a simple spread, and a simple reading for all of us to hold on to until Tuesday about how to cope and rebuild.

This is a three card spread--an overarching energy to show what we're actually dealing with.

A card for how to cope and find balance in the meantime

and a card for healing and rebuilding. Even if the worst doesn't happen, this is taking a lot out of us. The initial high of defeating our worst fears will give way to exhaustion and allowing ourselves to feel and live in our spent-ness. And of course, the worst could happen. So this card is how to grow from there.

As for our universal reading (which I did with the Cosmos Tarot and Oracle), we show that we're not wrong--there is definitely an aggressive energy permeating through everything in American society (and those societies closely linked to and affected by it) right now. And Mars is a card of war which is why even those of us who live in magick and whimsy are so prone to pick up pitchforks and begin yet another speech with "OKAY, first of all..." right now. But Mars is also a card of action and vitality--there is good life left in our fight yet. Applied correctly, we could still turn this mess around with Mars looming so closely.

Our "immediate coping mechanism" shows us digging deep down for those last reserves of strength. For better or worse, it's only 2.5 more days. Repeat that to yourself ad nauseum. For better or worse, it's only 2.5 more days. Don't stop fighting for what you believe in for this election because even when it doesn't seem like it, some hearts will still open and some people will still "get it" last minute. But also remember that Hercules has a weakness, as we all do, which forces us to rest and retreat from time to time. Do everything you would normally do for self-care in times of duress. Sleep more. Do less. Love just as hard as you do in good times and hold them all tightly. Remind yourself that you are not how you reacted to this election season. And as a side note, sometimes the cards make a more surface level metaphor. For those physically able to do so, pouring our emotions into exercise and physical activity may be your saving grace right now. Get outside. Eat lots of protein. Put your remaining energy reserves into the things you've been working hard for all month/year/life-long. They will still be here tomorrow and you need the outlet now.

Finally we see the Page of Air. We don't know what things are going to look like from Wednesday on, but we do know we'll have new insight and ideas into how to rebuild. It is important to have a plan for healing and regrowth in your mind, but leave room for freshness and flexibility. Again, lean to those you love and as for help when you need it. Plan a day trip with one or two you hold dear to blow off steam. Remember, there's no shame in hiding until the fury dies down if your life allows you to do so. And hilariously, this card does allow for what we've all be threatening--moving out of the country if we just really can not.

As a final note, while Fire oversees us, the other cards were Swords/Air. So use logic--you know there is an end to this and a next step. Try to get some clarity--meditate, vent to a friend, exercise your brute strength with some rad kickboxing classes--whatever you need to do to just clear your mind and escape the inundation of poll reports and internet fights. Wednesday will come. And there will be one the week after that. And the week after that. Hold on to the GOOD that you know is real--not just the bad that we are swimming in.

Hope this was helpful, lovelies. Blessed be.

In Comes November

Unless you're here for the first time and know nothing about witches, you know by now that October is my absolute favorite month. This one was a little rougher than most, but in true October fashion it all came together and created a stunning bigger picture for the season and I am so happy with how it all came together. Here's some snapshots for the month as we move into November. I often forgot how lovely November can be too. This year I might have some fun semi-surprises going on in my personal life, and will have some events/press/etc. going on that I'll probably talk about here. Here's where October took me:

• My Tarot Practice: took a bit of a hit this month, and after a real rollercoaster year in my creative life, I struggled to find spiritual and emotional centeredness, eventually getting there by the end of the month. I've decided to shelve my push to work events for awhile (inspired in part by this post), if not forever. I was shocked when that decision resulted in a new burst of individual client work, potential writing and collaborative opportunities, and a few exact ideal events (but not an overwhelming amount) cropping up. Sometimes you have to kill something that's been stressing you or bringing you down to achieve the greatness you know you deserve, and that's a core tenant of my life, yet I am always surprised by how quick that turnaround was.
  
  My tarot highlight of the month was reading at the anniversary party for the Eye of Horus--I had such a lovely time and got to read for a store regular dressed as Rose Quartz from Steven Universe! I love my work family so much. They have been so supportive of my tarot career inside and outside of the store and I really feel I've grown as a reader and a witch in ways I never anticipated when I nervously went in for my audition gig. I'm so grateful and so happy for such a celebration of their 13th year.
• Things I Wrote: While I kept up with my steady writing gigs and am happy with the (sparse, few, but lovely) things I posted here, one of my best memories for the month (and year!) was featuring at Story Club, a local storytelling event in which I talked about one of my worst and least talked about trauma sources. The crowd was perfect and I feel such an intense relief--and an intense eagerness for more storytelling opportunities!
• Theatre Life: GADFLY KILLED IT THIS MONTH. I am beside myself. Our first mainstage show at the Gallery sold out it's entire closing weekend, and in fact oversold one night (which was stressful in its own right, but the right kind of stress). In addition to that, we welcomed long-time queer art icon company Patrick's Cabaret into the space for regular events, and got to see some of our all time favorite performers at Outspoken queer open mic's third anniversary.
• Other Things I Loved: Manny and I's queerplatonic partnership turned 13! Exciting stuff. We met right around Halloween--we didn't get to celebrate until just barely into November, but it was marvelous nonetheless. Our Samhain ritual with another friend was very special and really magick (and unexpectedly invigorating). Other fun things from the month:
  • All of my friends' Halloween costumes were so cute! Manny went as Tina Belcher, and I spent time with a Ghostbuster. Those were my faves, but everyone rocked it this year. You can see some on my personal instagram. I also do a (mostly daily) free promotional reading to help guide your day there.
  • I saw Chastity Brown in concert again, this time on her own! Her voice alone brings me to tears, and the intimacy of the space we were at made everything extra evocative.
  • I guess I live here now? A couple of my favorite nights of the month were spent with a fancy overpriced OR really crappy beer, long intense games of oversized Jenga, and some very hostile (on my end) pinball. They have them in more places than just Minneapolis, so see if one's near you if you aren't living here!
  • Walks along the Mississippi never get old, and Pokemon giving us extra candy and ghosts made that extra true. I also love just sitting by the dam and listening though, and there's usually a busker I really love right nearby.
  • I did try to go to the Luke's Diner pop-up because I am an unabashed Gilmore Girls fangirl, but the place I was at ran out of everything! I was so disappointed but consoled myself with Tiny Diner because it's also amazing.
  • Book recommendations! Even This Page Is White by Vivek Shraya left me unable to move or even blink in multiple places. One of the hands down best poetry books I have ever read in my entire life. Buy it right here. Just do it. In lighter news, Spider-Gwen took me awhile to get to. It was on my comics list, just not high priority. I'm glad I delved in though, it's pretty rad. I've also been plowing my way through 11/22/63 by Stephen King. I'm not finished, but I'm super into it. King is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me--I don't love his protagonists most of the time, and plotholes exist pretty plentifully in his world, but this one is really absorbing and a great offset to a hectic, tumultous, but ultimately good month.
  • TV & Music Recommendations: This season of How to Get Away With Murder is seriously heart attack inducing. I just want my big dumb babies to be okay. I also hopped on the Steven Universe bandwagon late in the game but I'm ridiculously here for it. I already talked to you about Chastity Brown but WOW. Her CD and EP will cut to your core. It didn't get much notice, but Rufus Wainwright has a CD of Shakespeare's sonnets set to music. It's not for everyone--but it is amazing if you're into that sort of thing.

That was my month! I hope you all had a marvelous month of spoop and celebration and witchery. Feel free to tweet at me, leave comments, etc. to tell me about your own month or chime in about my recommendations. Until next time,

Blessed Be.

Quick--Sign Up For My Newsletter!

Hey All!

At the beginning of every month I send out ONE Newsletter (powered by TinyLetter, so as to assure you to it's simplicity and non-evasiveness.) That newsletter tells you where to find me that month (IE if I'm doing events, and if there are any changes in my normal Eye of Horus or personal business hours), any specials I'm running, and a FREE one-card Oracle or Tarot reading to give you some stuff to think about as you move through your month.

SO click here, sign up now, and know that there WILL be a special on both in-person and email readings through November for subscribers AND maybe some breaks on some gift certificates too!

Sample image of a one-card reading, featuring The Magician from the Universal Fantasy Tarot

I'm sending out my next edition over the next two days or so--don't miss your chance for those November specials but signing up is super easy, and can be done right over on my contact page anytime if you're not ready or able right now.

Blessed be!

P.S. My latest Queering the Tarot is out now if you want a fresh read, and my reprint is hitting Little Red in a matter of hours, so subscribe to that amazing site and community while you're at it!

Oatmeal, Lavender and Hyssop Bath--oh my!

Hello all! I'm doing a quick blog today to give you a recipe for a Spiritual Cleanse: this one's a bath! This is one of my favorite rituals that I've almost perfected over the past couple of years. I have a small tub, so adjust accordingly to the size of yours. This bath is perfect for: New Moon Rituals, special full moons (I did it on the last super Moon, for example, after a trying year so far), any Sabbat/holiday/special ritual devoted to cleansing, or anytime it just feels like you're carrying to much "stuff" around with you and it's time to shuck it off.

Obviously I found this photo online, though normally all photos are my own.

In a small wooden or porcelain bowl, I pour:

• 1/2 cup of oatmeal
• handful or two of lavender buds
• smaller handful of hyssop OR you can use hyssop oil
• 2-3 big drops of eucalyptus oil
• 1-2 drops of peppermint oil (the smell is often a little overpowering and I prefer to smell the lavender as theprimary note)
• a couple of crumbled, dry sage leaves (2-3 large or 5 medium)
  
  ***If you prefer, any skin safe oils can be applied directly into bath water***

After it's all in there I use a small spoon or spatula and mix it up until the smell, look, and texture is evenly spread and a little more cohesive. I have a small stash of small mesh bags that tie off that I poured it all into, but if you don't have such a bag, any handmade mesh, cheesecloth, or even pantyhose-style nylon satchel will work. (Bonus, you can do some knot spells as you tie off the handmade ones!) As I mix and pour I think about all the stuff I'm try to cleanse and scrub away with the bath. This is a pretty intense cleansing spell, so the further into that pain, frustrating, aura-murking stuff you can, the better you can let yourself go, the better. Then I light sage in the bathroom itself, run my bath, and toss my satchel into it while it fills up. I usually light a candle and do this in the dark, but that's completely unnecessary. I just have a thing about overhead lights. (I hate them.) In that time I try to clear my mind and focus on what my goals are afterwards. What does shedding this murkiness and ick look like? What happens tomorrow when I'm spiritually squeaky clean and invigorated. I put and aim those intentions into the bath, then I bathe! I usually just sit in the nice, scented hot water, occasionally squeezing the satchel for an extra "oomph" for awhile. I use a washcloth or loofah to actually bathe and scrub myself towards the end though, because I like physicality. I don't think it's actually necessary. Then I rinse, drain, and towel off!

I feel an IMMEDIATE difference usually, but I'll suck down some cold, filtered if possible, water and get a solid eight hours if I can too, because those things really help you feel it the NEXT day, and moving forward. This past one went EXTREMELY well. I feel almost reborn, which isn't the norm, but I always feel more clear-headed and like I've let go of all of those minor irritations that lead to big things.

Feel free to use as often as you feel necessary It's also a really nice, relaxing bath otherwise so you don't have to put all the extra woo and witchcraft in every time.

Until next time, Blessed be!

Kicking Down My Own Tower

My freshman year of college was one of my worst to date, though my PTSD didn't kick in until I lived 1,500 miles away from everyone who'd traumatized me. I was doing great for a couple of years once I was in the Midwest, until one night while I was asleep, and my house was robbed. I was physically completely fine, but I remember consciously having the thought "I'm never going to be safe." That's when the floodgates opened and everything I'd experienced years prior came rushing back to me.

I talk about most of this a lot. I talk about my rapes. I talk about how sick my mom has been off and on, how poverty-stricken my childhood was intermittently. And I allude to "this really bad roommate in college" quite a bit, but it was worse than that. We'll call her Sarah. I thought Sarah and I had a soul connection, chosen family, twin flames, etc. etc. While I won't regale the entire thing now, suffice it to say she was verbally and emotionally abusive--and that wasn't the worst of it. She also broke into my email, even writing emails as me. She took out almost a dozen credit cards in my name. (They have since dropped off my credit report. Goddess bless financial advisors helping me out further.) And she made me anxious, fearful of my own spiritual power, fearful of my own voice, fearful to get too close to people. To this day my biggest show of trust is me sharing a password with you because you need onto a computer. To this day Sarah shows up in my dreams, laughing at the way my stomach drops to see her.

Over the past several years, my PTSD has taken several things from me. One of the most notable is my desire and ability to perform--I don't have any performance related trauma, but it's made my anxiety come into entirely new places, like severe stage fright that incapacitates me to the point that it doesn't seem worth it to push past it. My close friends know the highlights of this story, and I've told most of my family and people who's relationships were affected by her manipulations. But speaking of Sarah publicly, even under a fake name? Let alone telling my semi-newly found stage fright to screw off so I could tell it publicly. But Thursday night that's exactly what I did.

I've slowly been working my way up to performing regularly again. I don't have a desire to do the whole actor's life thing again. Producing, curation, and theatre direction really are my artistic passions(beyond writing that is). But I do genuinely love performing. I have friends who are glorious storytellers, and there's things that intersect writing and performing beyond that like what the Neo-Futurist's do theatrically that I would happily spend my entire life doing if I thought that was an option for me. Performing IS going to be a part of my life. It is a part of my voice as a writer and theater artist, and while I don't need to "perform" where tarot is concerned, teaching and speaking still require a comfort level with elements of performance. So I;ve been taking it slow but getting back in the saddle. In February I put together a series of short plays for a Patrick's Cabaret event about my dating life, and that was wonderful. And I told a hilarious story about getting my period at a nice restaurant with white chairs (WHO HAS WHITE CHAIRS?! SERIOUSLY) at a different storytelling show a few months ago. I've jumped up to do shorter pieces at open mics and been working steadily on having a collection to pull from.

So when I was invited to feature at Story Club in October, I had two thoughts. One was the "hell yes" that I judge every decision by. (If that's not my reaction, I don't do the thing.) Two was "oh hell what do I even talk about?" Deep down though, I knew it was time to talk about Sarah. I'm a sucker for all things horror in October, and this was a real life horror story. I also met Sarah at a Halloween event. She's on my mind a lot, every year, around this time. This year I feel different though. I've been making so many big, important changes and yet I've still been sitting here, sitting with this entire thing just swirling around inside of me. It was time to talk.

So I did. I got up in front of a pretty decent sized crowd that included two of my storytelling idols, and I tore down the tower of "not knowing how to even start processing this" by doing the thing Sarah always tried to prevent me doing: telling people about it.

I had somewhat more altruistic reasons for this too. I like to talk about things that people don't talk about a lot but a lot of people experience, (like getting your period EVERYWHERE at a dinner party), and I'm not the first person to deal with a truly toxic, abusive, sociopathic friend. We don't think about how formative friendships are, especially when we're young, but they frequently shape us as much as our family and love lives do. But we have tools for dealing with those things, we have resources, and people talk about them at least MORE than they talk about abusive friends even if it still isn't enough. I'm not a proponent of kicking everyone who's the least bit negative or problematic to the curb. I get a lot of satisfaction out of giving unconditional love, working towards true compromises, and meeting people where they are and watching them grow. But there are genuinely horrible people in this world. I lived with one and she controlled my every move for a (luckily relatively short) period of time. I hope in speaking about it, others recognize those patterns sooner, or at least know they aren't alone in having had these experiences.

Story Club was a wonderful audience and experience--some people came up to me and talked about their own trauma and toxic experiences. Little introvert me was a little overwhelmed, but it was a good overwhelm. I feel relieved to not just be carrying this story around in a pocket of my soul anymore, and I feel honored to have gotten to tell it among such distinguished company and at an event I respect so much. It reminds me why I'm so addicted to the cycle of: Tower, Death, Judgment in my life, but that that isn't always a bad thing. That cycle got me to the Midwest. It gave me success in my careers. And now it's allowing me to breathe in a subject I haven't in so long.

If you want to know more about Storytelling, come to Story Club or visit the Story Arts MN or Wordsprout websites.

Blessed be!

Embracing October

Oh wow, what a difference a month makes--as I knew it would be, September was VERY kind to me (in spite of some major health concerns over the past few weeks, but that's nothing I'm not used to). So many things leveled off and look normal now, which me at 22 would have run screaming from, but the me who's almost 32 could not be happier about. Managing chronic illness requires instituting a little more stability than my boho nature would nurture on it's own, and what a gift to be balancing what seems to be the best of both worlds finally. My magickal duty now is to nurture growth, integration, and protect what's already been gained. So much easier than so much of the "starting from scratch" the summer stuck me with, and now we're in my favorite month. October is when I met my queerplatonic partner. October is when I bonded with my current squad. October is Halloween/Samhain/my favorite temperatures/leaves falling/new shoes/the no-longer-useful dying off. October is when I breathe best, but before we fully embrace, and homage to this September, which was so gracious in it's own right.

On a walk along the river practically right beside my new place.

• My Tarot Practice finally has a studio of it's own! I adore having an in-home studio. I know a lot of readers don't love or trust working this way, but for me it really does make my life make so much more sense. I also got to read at Pagan Pride at Minnehaha Falls, which was wonderful. I'm also head over heels in love with coaching tarot newbies. I am soon rolling out a package for in person coaching sessions, but the tl;dr version will have two offerings: one that is a total coaching package, 3.5 month commitment. The other is one of sessions for those who just need to meet up once or twice to ask my opinion on a few things they're confused about, get some guided practice, or learn some new viewpoints. Both will be $50 a session and you can email me to get started now!
• Things I Wrote: Still in love with my turn at Little Red Tarot, and over at TheColu.mn I'm still rocking that arts beat. No new gigs but that should be changing before the end of the year.
• Theatre Life: Uh, I guess I open a show next weekend? It's REAL good and I'm so proud to have produced it. Also if you're Twin Cities located and looking for a spot for a poetry slam, workshop, rehearsal, or seminar, check out Gadfly's rental packages! AND I had a blast being the point person on our latest Drunk Queer History event. This series has been so wonderful for all involved so far. Gadfly also featured at OutSpoken, which was a lovely way to fully embrace the Fox Egg being ours.

Rehearsal shots from the upcoming She Kills Monsters.

• Other Things I Loved: The queerplatonic partner turned 30 which meant Nepalese food, drinks at Lush, dessert at the Lowry, and drag queen brunch (also at Lush). I got to squeeze in a LOT of other random fun, magick, and art this month too. Highlights include:
  • Asali pulled some oracle cards for me, and it was beautiful and perfect.
  • Going to Sassafras Healing Arts for regular herbal treatments is the best self-care I've introduced myself to in awhile.
  • The play The Children which is running at Pillsbury through the 16th was creepy and captivating.
  • I SAW TEGAN AND SARA LIVE FINALLY! I've been a huge fan forever, and was always broke or out of town whenever they were here. I'm still beside myself at the memories of being there.
  • I adventured to the Renaissance Fair (even if it was a final hurrah with one of my fave adventure buddies who is leaving for Atlanta) down in Shakopee.
  • AND I finally made it to the 318 Club, owned by a good friend. It was adorable and the food was delicious.
  • I know I usually stick some book recommendations here too, but my reading was either dissatisfying or warranted a bigger review. I will say that if "creepy but romantic" is your jam, Alice Hoffman's Museum of Extraordinary Things is not mind-blowing but it does hit the spot for that niche.

An oracle pull from Asali Earthwork.

That was pretty much it! September was a lot of fun side adventures in the overall theatre/tarot/wordsmith adventure that is my life--but October sees me producing a mainstage show and tends to require I buckle down in my tarot business so it was good to get roaming when I had time to. I'm so excited to watch Eye of Horus have a birthday this month, as well as see what else the universe has in store for me.

In the meantime, Blessed Be.

At Home Tarot Studio Is Open For Business!

Y'all. I am so excited. The QPP and I's last space that was just ours only had a tarot section of the living room due to space constraints, and I'm SO thrilled to have this room--I won't be able to use this extra room as a tarot studio forever, but that's a different announcement for a different time. In the immediate though, this beautiful apartment also comes with space for me to make magick, experiment with new decks and cards, and of course--read for clients and coach students. (My writing will probably still be done from my bed, if I'm being totally honest). Furthermore, my QPP is now fully qualified and taking Pay What You Can Reiki clients, and WE LEFT SO MUCH OPEN SPACE FOR ENERGY WORK which means the energy of the whole space is going to feel healing and vibrant in no time. Without further ado, LOOK AT THIS MAGICKAL ESCAPE:

Uh, we maybe haven't figured out altars yet. Don't judge us for this messy one.

Here's a close-up of the corner I journal, read, learn, teach, and read cards in--it's right by the windows so we have the great views still. That table covering is a zodiac wheel that I got while visiting my family in Ohio. I love it. It changes depending on my mood though. Sometimes it's just black, green, or purple.

AND THE BOOKS. This is only about 2/3. I just discovered a box I was really confused about way back in the end of the apartment hall I don't go in a lot, and I am very generous with loaning my books out so long as I trust the people. A dear friend is dropping off a TON of mine back to me in the next couple of days. I might even have to move my decks, so we'll see! (They probably deserve their own small shelf anyway).

That's the gist of it for now, but I haven't done any photo-heavy posts since we moved. Once I have altars and everything ready to go I'll likely do another one. In the meantime,

Blessed be!

Light, Dark, and Discarded Pieces of Myself

For many pagans, this Thursday marks Mabon, a holiday to celebrate the changing seasons and welcome the second harvest. On this day, also called the Autumn Equinox, day and night are the same amount of time, so for many of us it's a chance to celebrate the necessity of both light and dark, and the joy that the balance of both brings.

This Mabon, I was struggling to figure out what my meditation and ritual should be. My usual celebrations just didn't feel right, and I have had the most confusing few weeks. Finally on a walk along the river, as I admired the leaves starting to turn, I cried out to my gods to cut through my scattered, sad thoughts, and slowly as I meandered it started coming to me. You see, for as long as I can remember, I've almost completely reinvented myself every few years. Often this was out of necessity--when you see the good in everyone, you often overlook the bad so I got my heart trampled on a lot. I've been taken advantage of a lot. And every time I got fed up, I just started over. New friend group, new clothing style, hair chopped off, big steps forward in my career. There were even a few dramatic location changes somewhere in there. In some areas of my life this has served me incredibly well. My multiple careers are streamlined enough to keep me motivated but relatively stable, and I am beyond in love with Minneapolis, my apartment, my cats, my blue and purple hair. Embracing the new--the new day, the new sun, the new light, has always created a multitude of blessings for me.

But with each new version of me, I killed off old parts of myself that I know I was meant to retain, each time losing another piece of my soul and my power until finally, I went through my current evolution--the one where my anxiety went through the roof and I didn't actually evolve so much as got really scared and meek. Of everything. Obviously none of that is working for me, at all and emotionally it has all been hitting a head I didn't understand. I have spent the last few weeks feeling so lost. I have a beautiful apartment, and so many other blessings and I thought when this many things would click into place I'd feel better. Less scared, less sad, less meek. Instead I've spent the last few weeks crying at the drop of a hat and staring off into space, completely unmotivated.

Then a college friend came to see me, and as we regaled my (amazing, not going anywhere) friends with stories of second college me, I felt completely overwhelmed and yet better than I have in months. It felt like I'd been wearing some costume that didn't quite fit and this college friend I haven't even seen in forever somehow made me see how silly I looked without even knowing what she was doing. While I was still reeling from this, I ran into an old rival from a couple of life cycles ago. She has moved on and is stable and content in her life, and was thrilled to see me. Catching up was surprisingly nice even as my stomach filled with butterflies for reasons I didn't understand. I eventually realized that I thought I'd been living in fear of running into her or other people from this phase, but really I've been afraid of running into the version of myself I was then. But I realized during our jovial conversation that this rival wasn't all bad then, and neither was I.

The old, the abandoned, the dark--these are the parts of myself I've kept hidden from all but a few. These are the parts I've kept hidden from myself in spite of glaring evidence that my sass, my cunning, my strength were needed. This Mabon I want to dance in my own darkness and feel it around me. I want to wear it like a shroud and when day breaks I want to keep wearing it still as the sun beats down on my face assuring me that these old versions of me aren't only harmless, but good for me. This Mabon, I want to return from the grey I've been living in and trying to convince myself that this is what light feels like. This Mabon, I want to renegotiate my concepts of light and dark entirely. This Mabon, I want my first spiritual connections to be with the versions of myself I killed off. I want them to know I'm sorry. I want them to come back. And I want the me that willed this apartment, my tarot business, my writing career into being, that fights for my theatre company's success every day, that keeps loving new friends and partners even when it's the scariest thing in the world, to know one thing: she's not going anywhere either.

Literary Magic: Two Must-Reads to Snag ASAP

Originally this was going to be two separate posts. I read a lot and I always do a book recommendation or two from the month in my End of Month wrap-up, but occasionally a book stands out so far above and beyond--AND fits right into what I want to do with my tarot practice and this blog that they deserve their own time. Each of these definitively deserve their own time, but between moving and maintaining everything I just don't have the time each deserves.

Nonetheless, I wanted to say SOMETHING about them and push, push, push you to go buy them as soon as humanly possible. The first will be of interest to ANYONE who found their way here via my Queering the Tarot series or by cross searching "queer" and "tarot".

Jailbreaking the Goddess takes critiques every progressive person has about the traditional Maiden, Mother, Crone Goddess path (ugh, virginity! ugh, wombs!) and offers a much-needed alternative. Larissa Firefox Allen's FIVE-FOLD Goddess path gets us away from woman = body and creates a nuanced, full look at Goddess energy and how it potentially applies to our work with this new understanding. Not only is this line of magick much more welcoming to trans Goddess worshippers, but the additional faces of the Goddess offer a whole new world of opportunity and understanding in our spiritual practice.

Firefox Allen also pulls no punches when discussing appropriation and colonization of spirituality. While those of us who have been doing feminist and anti-racist work for awhile may find a few chapters a little "Radicalism 101", for many picking up this book they are a necessity. For the rest of us--well, having some pages we can merely skim makes it all the easier to process our new understanding of our own dieties. My personal favorite part of the book's unique (and so easy to follow!) structure was the sections highlighting examples of dieties--AND REAL HUMANS--who exhibit the characteristics of the Goddess aspect being discussed. My only real critique of Jailbreaking the Goddess is that the journal prompts are almost too frequent. You may pick it up and decide I'm wrong, but since I tend to highlight, take notes, etc. when reading anyway, an additional prompt after basic material introductions threw me off. I complied in the beginning but by the third face, I just read several sections at a time and then journaled my reactions to the questions that came up either in prompts or other thoughts I had. Even with that distraction, this book significantly deepened my relationship with the Divine, helped me heal emotionally in a lot of places, and completely altered how I think about spiritual energy for the better. And even for someone who wears their queerness, their feminism, their radicalism like a second skin, it definitely opened my eyes to new ways to practice my faith in a more conscientious, decolonized way.

This next one may come as a surprise to some of my readers. I am incredibly skeptical about books bordering on self-help, even when disguised as business or finance books, and I keep my relationship with money pretty separate from everything else I do. However, a few people I really respect on the metaphysical blogosphere were pretty excited about it, so I went ahead and ordered Bari Tessler's The Art of Money. Three pages in, I had to put it down because I was crying. Hysterically. This book is about so much more than money, best practices, and spiritual entrepreneurship. It is part self-help but it actually helps. The first third of Tessler's program focuses on healing your emotional relationship with money, and before you roll your eyes, just check out the book. This section of the book literally changed my life. Tessler has us delve into money memories, and it has completely altered my perception of what is and isn't possible in my life in all the best ways. It has also made me more fearless in my business practices. It is intense emotional therapy, and everyone I've had read it had a similar reaction. Yet just when you think you're totally overwhelmed and aren't sure what your next move should be, Tessler introduces you to some incredibly practical measures that changed my life in a much more mundane but prosperous way. I was shocked when I did my first accounting session with myself; first by how much I was making, then by how much I was spending. One of the money stories that was wrong that I have told myself was "you don't have money"--over and over since childhood. Which made me unaccountable as an adult solo entrepreneur to anyone but my landlord (who I always managed to pull it together for). I'm certainly not dining with the Kardashians anytime soon, but getting my spending in a couple of areas under control is JUST as important to me right now as bringing more in after actually seeing the numbers. (Actually, post-move that's not really true, but in general it absolutely is.)

Tessler also takes care to stress that there are very real societal issues that may prevent you from fully reaching your financial potential, and admits she doesn't have solutions for that--instead the practical tips she does offer and her insistence on values-based bookkeeping will help almost anyone, and certainly anyone who does have steady income. Tessler also stresses that this one book is not the permanent solution. You have to keep healing your relationship with money, and you have to keep letting that relationship evolve and begin to affect your other habits. It may take re-reads and years of consistent journaling, but it beyond a doubt turned my relationship with money completely upside down even on this first go-round.

This is an admittedly abrupt end to this blog, but that's what I've got today! Now go, get all well-read and stuff. Until next time,

Blessed Be.

August is Over--Praise Literally Everyone

Wow this summer was hard for me, holy crap. But you know what? Summer is always my worst season. I don't know what it is. It started in childhood, but almost every bad thing that's ever happened to me has happened in summer (ironically, except for the reasons I actually have PTSD). This was the worst one in quite a while, but it always give way to my favorite season. Autumn is always when I do my best work, plant my best seeds while pulling up from my best harvests at the same time. I know everyone loves autumn, Pagans especially, but it has always been when I get my fresh starts. And sure enough, I got mine this year. I finally found an amazing, affordable apartment for the QPP and I to continue our lives and start this next chapter and be happy and live comfortably indefinitely. The only thing on my wish list that I didn't get was "outdoor space" and we are shy one room--but there is PLENTY of space for my tarot studio in the main space if we ever need that third bedroom for something else. (Plus I have my own bathroom, my first walk-in closet, and the internet company randomly sent us a box that makes the network channels be on my TV at no extra charge?). I'm so grateful and feel like my old self again. (Which you'll note via silly cat pics and me in goofy hats while unpacking if you follow me on Snapchat.) Needless to say, hunting a place to live and then moving into absorbed most of my August, but I managed to squeeze in some work and play.

• My Tarot Practice stayed strong, and the email side of things has already seen a spike since the energy of acquiring a tarot room came into my life. I acquired a few more regulars and my time at The Eye of Horus every week is such a saving grace spiritually as well as providing such a beautiful tarot opportunity.
• Things I Wrote: Still in love with my turn at Little Red Tarot, and over at TheColu.mn I published this spotlight on a documentary some of my IRL friends were featured in. I also got comped into the premiere as a result and it was such a wonderful experience overall. Here on my own blog, I got to interview TWO queer deck creators and squeezed some other things out too.
• Theatre Life: Prep, prep, prep! Cleaning out and rearranging our gallery, rehearsals for our mainstage show, and TWO big September events coming up. Not the most exciting to blog about, but our PlayGround is buzzing with energy and love. I did get to witness two amazing mainstays of the space: OUTSpoken, a queer open mic that meets there monthly, and New Sh!t Show, Minneapolis--a place for artists of all types to try out brand new pieces. I'm so in love with the space and my co-conspirators. To find out more including how to support, head here.
• Other Things I Loved: My new neighborhood in NE Minneapolis, the view from my apartment, my new furniture--just, you know, new apartment life in general. Hitting up the Joke Joint in St. Paul (well, just outside of) with friends I don't get to see very often. Our first Squad birthday of birthday season which took us all over LynLake raising hell (with respect to neighbors of course). Getting to actually see several Fringe Festival shows thanks to generous friends and an unusually good client week right before. (And everything was so good!)

Finally I have to give a huge, huge shout out to my friends and family this summer. I was not easy to love when I couldn't find a place. I was miserable and I wanted everyone to know it and I wavered between needing non-stop attention and wanting to just hide and disappear. Not only was nearly everyone in my life wonderful that whole time, but so many people helped me move and were so happy to see our place. People rearranged their whole weekends super last minute and took me thrift shopping for furniture, gifted me furniture, gifted me money to help with all those last minute moving expenses, and of course came and did the (literal) heavy lifting to get us moved into the new space quickly. Once I settled a little (though I still have so, so much to unpack.) I realized how much love and magick I'd been gifted the whole time. It's not that I wasn't grateful in the moment, I just felt so panicked I couldn't process it. But now I never want to forget how loved I feel after this month, and to put that much love back out in the world moving forward. I know life always has its ups and downs but before I found a place I was so worried I was regressing. Now I'm so elated and really feel like I hit the restart button in all the right ways. So if you're my squad or my fam and you're reading this--thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you--I want to say it forever. I love you all (even those just reading or who just cam here for tarot or queer thoughts and insights) so much. I can't wait to see what this September brings.

Blessed Be,

Cassandra

Dust II Onyx: A Melanated Tarot Deck

While I adore tarot and my life in it, I have so many decks and work with so many beautiful witches and artists in all aspects of my life, so it takes a lot to really get me going at this point. However, when I received an email from a self-described fat/black/queer woman that had their artistic vision come to them in a dream, I had to find more. I'm so thrilled I got to chat more with Courtney Alexander about the upcoming Dust II Onyx, a deck created for people struggling with the same lack of representation in a world of #tarotsowhite that Alexander chose to address.

First, I just want to know more about YOU! Tell me everything!
Well, my mom-given name is Courtney Alexander. I'm an artist and recently graduated (December 2015) with my degree in Studio Art from the University of South Florida. I'm fairly new to tarot. I've been learning a little under 2 years. I began with apps and this year I finally purchased a physical deck. I grew up Christian, and in my early 20s began my shift away from it. But I always had an aversion to tarot because of what I had been told. I was comfortable going to a clairvoyant healer, but she didn't use cards so it felt "safe". Then as I progressed in my personal journey I allowed myself to experience tarot. I realized there wasn't anything overly scary about them and recognized the tools they could be to tap into our higher consciousness. Using apps was convenient for me to try out different styles and just learn about the cards. Looking for a physical deck was a bit more difficult. Finding that one that really called to me was not easy. I settled on Aquarian Tarot by David Pallidini for my first deck and I really love it. I've always liked the Art Deco style. Plus I find his deck to be great for deeper work than the traditional Rider-Waite. I use it more for deep emotional and spiritual probing. I also have the Crystal Tarot by Lo Scarabeo. However I was unaware it was Pip-based and so I don't use it as much. But it's still beautiful and I bring it out every now and then to experiment. I have the traditional RW gifted to me by a friend for external issues and mini Angel Cards. I'm not really drawn to angel themes/imagery but these little one word cards have been invaluable in clarifying my readings. especially as a newbie reader.

Aside from tarot, I also loveee crystals. I've amassed a nice collection. I use them to grid and pair it with candle burning. I have an Aunt who has always been into the occult so she helped me learn more about the power of candle reading. I also enjoy making my own auric sprays, spiritually cleansing bath products, and creating altars. I have mini altars around my home that I construct from random items around my home. The process of putting together things with what I have (and just a few purchased small items) really helps me connect with my intentions. It's been a very effective focus tool for me. 

You mentioned to me struggling for awhile to see yourself in the cards, even when you decided to make your own deck. Can you say more about that, and go ahead and go into how your vision for Dust II Onyx came to be?
I'm at this point in my spiritual journey where I've shed a lot of misconceptions about ritual practices. Most of my exposure has been in "new age" spaces, so of course meditation, crystals, and energy healing is where I started. Then through my art I began to explore West African cultures. Art is intricately weaved into their culture and spiritual practices that you can't separate the two when learning about the various belief systems. African-based spiritual practices are somehow seen as darker and more dangerous than even Wiccan and Pagan practices. There's this inherent fear of the deep spirituality of African people that had created such a block in me but I had to break it down. I'm still not to the place where I work with Orishas or anything, but I realize now the importance of that energy being bought into my practices. Most spiritual spaces I occupied on and offline were very white-dominated. Although it doesn't bother me in regards to my ability to build one-on-one relationships, these spaces never made me feel completely safe and open. I couldn't talk about real issues I experience at the intersections of racism/sexism/fatphobia without being dismissed. Especially as a Black American, we have definitely been taught to distance ourselves from our spiritual roots.  

I say this to say essentially representation matters. Having spaces for POC and LGBTQ is vital. We also need to see it in the art and tools we use such as tarot.

That's part of the reason why Dust II Onyx came to be. I wanted to create the kind of deck I wish I had. There are several decks with POC, but I found I wasnt drawn to some of the art or themes. Many decks seemed to references common themes like Orishas, Egypt, or the art was purposely drawn in this basic "primitive" (I shutter at the word) fashion to make it seem more indigenous inspired. None of it appealed to me. I wanted to see melanated people just be beautiful and powerful without limitation. I wanted a deck that other POC could relate too that didn't rely upon any cliches or typical themes because we are so much broader than that.

As for the art, I wasn't sure up until very recently what the cards would look like. I had two dreams about black portraits. In the dream the figures were completely black. The figures were matte with these high gloss highlights that brought the figure forth. It was gorgeous. The black on black made the figures barely noticeable, but intense. The clothing was so lusciously painted with what I’d guess was oil paint, in these deep jewel tones. I plan on doing some separate paintings more in the exact style of what was in my dream. Either way it still was a great inspiration for this deck and not far from what I had been moving into already in regards to my artistic process.

What's the process of building a deck been like?
It's been quite a journey so far. I produced 18 of the cards in a very short amount of time, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what I'd do and plan out details but that didn't work. I had a deadline set for myself since I wanted to premiere them at a local art event. Once I began working they all just came to me intuitively. I didn't spend too much time researching in regards to symbolism or anything. I had enough knowledge from my own tarot use to understand the energy of the cards and some common references. Aside from that, I just decided to work with what I had; my pastels, acrylic and piles of fashion magazines. The cards I struggled with the most were the cards that I also struggled with in my spiritual life (for example, the Magician). Creating these has deepened my personal understanding of the cards so much. What comes forth is as new to me as it is to everyone else. So I have to go back and interpret my own creation. Using the Magician card for example, I wasn't sure what the hell I was doing. It looked like some weird man child. But as I meditated on it I realized the Magician is like a child. Children have no sense of limitation until we put it on them. They use what's at their disposal to create their world. There's also a connection between the scales texture of the clothing and the infinity signs throughout. It reminds me of Ouroboros, the snake that eats its own tail. It references alchemy, the infinite and wholeness. All of these details were not thought of or planned. It's cool to go back and see how the work is being created from a space beyond my own consciousness.

What else do you want us to know about this deck that you haven't gotten to say yet?
That it is something that I feel is seriously being birthed from me. Not just a baby in terms of my ownership of this project. But more-so in this way where events in my life have brought me to what feels like a fated point. Before this deck was created I had been going through a lot of stress. I was dealing with anxiety and depression on a level I hadn't for a long time. Then I noticed my dreams and card readings all pointing towards birth and I honestly thought I was pregnant, LOL. I was afraid it was a real baby. Looking back I believe it was Dust II Onyx. If the chain of events never transpired in my life the work would not be what it is. So I'm dedicated to bringing it forth. It wants to be out there and it's informing me of what it wants to be every step of the way.

A personal goal I have is to bring the artwork for this deck into the contemporary gallery space. As an artist I love creating experiences. I've had the desire to fulfill a particular solo exhibition project for awhile now and this deck art will definitely be a part of it. I want to transform the modern gallery space into an immersive and spiritual experience, as well as use it as a platform to introduce more people to the beauty of tarot.

How can we best support this deck and your tarot efforts?
Share with anyone you know would appreciate the work. Talk about it in your communities. Reach out to me with resources or suggestions. Preorder, preorder, preorder. Kickstarter is my way of being accountable to everyone who wants to support this project. There's a risk of not meeting the KS goal and therefore receiving nothing. But that is also the exciting part. It's not just a push to sell. When the public is excited about what you have to offer they want to see you succeed, so it's a bit more than just dropping money in the bucket. It's all of us pooling together to make this project a reality. Teamwork makes the dream work.

Kickstarter funds will go towards production, print, shipping, campaign fees, and limited first edition run of the deck. Any leftover funds will be seed money for a 2nd edition of the deck and a companion book. I look forward to this project opening doors to other opportunities to not only share my work in general, but to also offer more to the tarot community. I've already had visions for another deck to come once this project is complete so this is only the beginning. I'm so grateful for the love and support I've received so far. There is so much more amazing work to come and I'm super excited about it!

• Sign up for email updates at http://dust2onyx.launchrock.com
• www.dustonyx.com
• facebook.com/dust2onyx
• instagram.com/dust2onyxtarot

Thanks so much to Courtney for letting us know about this deck and sharing her important vision and art with the the world. I'm so excited to see how things develop. And don't forget:
 

Blessed be, all.

Basic Witchery for When Life Is SO Bad (or Busy) You Just Can't

I am beyond stressed right now. Beyond. I need an apartment confirmed last week and I am still searching. I have spent so much money on housing applications that I'm questioning how necessary eating is (very important, don't follow my path on this). I am exhausted. I run a theatre company, I write actually professionally, and I run a tarot business. On top of that I am chronically ill, and now I am spending hours a week house hunting.

Suffice it to say, my daily spiritual care has taken a bit of a backseat. BUT never fear, I'm here to talk about the things I DO remember to do every day (and you can too!) to stay as grounded, focused, and feeling like my witchy, whimsical, overly ambitious self.

• Carry your stones around. It sounds obvious, but I leave them on my altar most of the time...but I don't really have an altar right now, so they are in a box and my favorites/the most necessary ones get pocketed every day. I have a peacock ore I got in LA that I feel almost paternal towards, and a small jet palm stone. Both of those help me find and center myself when the anxiety seems overwhelming. And when that doesn't work, tourmilated quartz specifically works to turn overwhelm to joy, and unakite is sometimes thought to pull negativity right out of you. Those are MY favorites for trying or hectic times, but you may have some of your own. Find some time to sit with them in your hands, or just give them a QUICK charge of your energy in the morning.
• Essential oil! (or oil mixes) A lot of them can not be applied directly onto your skin without some problems, so ask your friendly metaphysical store clerk before assuming. Once you have one that is, keep a small vial near you for whatever purposes you need. I like Dragon's Blood for urgency, and have some Rosemary and Peppermint I mixed myself to cry out to Hestia right now. I also have prosperity and protection mixes that I like. I bring this up, because a lot of times we get them for aromatherapy diffusers or to dress candles or do other extensive work with, but if you have a skin-safe oil, you can just slap it on your pulse points and under your nose, say a (QUICK!) incantation, and be on your way.
• Incantations: for focus, for calm, and for anything else you need in the moment. My meditative practice is really more of a theory right now, but I still take a few seconds every few hours to fondle my amethyst and moonstone pendants, and restate my intentions for the day. It takes maybe 10 minutes total throughout the whole day.
• Light a candle while you're doing other stuff. Enough said. Sprinkle herbs on your windowsill. Pet an animal. Get your feet in the dirt or natural water for even one minute. Shower more consciously, with more attention to the water and your body.

These are a few of the things I trade off when daily meditations and nightly candle lightings can't happen, and no, it's not perfect and I still feel like I'm falling apart throughout much of my day--but I can calm my panic and meet most of my goals, magickal or otherwise, with keeping up my efforts but changing what they look like. Hope this is helpful to you too, and I'd love to hear how you stay witchy when life is wicked.

Blessed be!

A Linestrider Tarot Review!

My tastes can run pretty exclusively queer, feminist, and indie so when I noticed a new deck at the metaphysical store where I have a (wonderful) steady gig that didn't fit into that at all, I was extra enchanted by it for the sheer fact that I normally pass a lot of decks like that by. I kept coming back and playing with the demo, even doing a couple of personal readings with it. Finally I broke down, bought it, and brought it home. I'm officially grounded from buying decks, having also bought the new version of the Wild Unknown this month, but I feel genuinely blessed to have this deck in my life.

The deck is Siolo Thompson's Linestrider Tarot, and Thompson's mission was to add her own touch to a classic divination system. The deck's most important feature and why I think it called out so loudly to me was because the accompanying box and book confirm that part of the artist's "own touch" is adding whimsy to a divination system that goes deep to bring you to a place of healing and intuition. Tarot can get very heavy and very real, so adding a whimsical touch to remind us that whimsy exists is really inspired. I talk a lot about my PTSD and the fact that fun, lightness (as opposed to heaviness), and humor are crucial to my day to day existence. I'm a huge stand-up fan, and bubbles are on my "basic needs" tier when I'm stocking up my house, but I also work hard towards my goals and my own healing and recovery. This deck almost seems tailor-made for me--but I ran a discount using my new decks for private clients throughout July and it quickly became a favorite of my clients' as well.

I've already talked about overall inspiration and connection to this deck, so I'll dive right into how that manifests in the Artwork.Thompson created a deck that is deeply inspired by more traditional decks, but very successfully reinvents those images. The pictures seem simple--animals and people alike have firmer, darker lines creating their shape and watercolor to fill it out. Many of the images include a basic splash of watercolor for interest and mood. It's absolutely beautiful, and pictures never do it justice. It's definitely one I recommend getting in your hands. It is truly lovely, and the promise to stay true to tarot's depth while also bringing in some silliness and joy comes through in nearly every spread I've laid out. The card quality is not my favorite, and that does bring me down slightly. This is certainly not Thompson's fault and even though it's gotten pretty heavy use since I got it, nothing has cracked or worn down, and it's become more pleasant to touch as it's gotten shuffled more. They are a little stiff and just not as smooth or seamless as I had hoped.

The Queerness Quotient is really interesting in this deck. I want to be clear that I in no way think decks have to be queer, though I do think in 2016 they should be inclusive overall and a little more progressive in terms of gender roles. In the negative, the Linestrider does stick pretty rigidly to men as knights and kings, women as queens and pages as well as the presumptions that can accompany the Majors. However, Thompson (very likely not accidentally) uses a lot of animals in the deck, including in cards of romantic love or where a lot of gendered assumptions about relationships would normally be. Additionally, there are a few human characters that don't have a clear gender for us to make assumptions about, and that's done really well and in completely appropriate positions. Most of my Queering the Tarot work is using decks like this that someone might love or be really drawn to for personal reasons but that some cards may be hard to relate to on first glance. If you're good at thinking outside of the box or familiar with any of Queering the Tarot, this deck is relatively easy to work with.

Overally inclusivity however is slightly lacking. It's easy for me to believe that not all of the humans are intended to default to being white (it's a lot of lines and shadows that intentionally don't seem detailed or finished), but many going into a deck will assume that characters not explicitly POC are not. Decks shouldn't fall into the #tarotsowhite gap in 2016, but I do think that this blow is softened by the fact that many of the humans are just suggestions of humans and many of the cards are just animals. I definitely think that is this deck's weak spot.

Guidebook and Ease of Learning is stellar. This is probably the best deck for total beginner's that I've picked up in awhile, and definitely the best deck for intermediate to advanced readers who don't want to put a ton of effort into learning a new deck that I've picked up in a really long time. The animal symbolism is fun to read into, but knowing a ton isn't necessary as Thompson doesn't necessarily stick to that. The accompanying book is really easy to read, and Thompson doesn't unnecessarily throw you for a loop, though it is really fun to see her spin and interpretation of the cards she did get more creative with. While the cards seem really simple they do each of a few other details thrown in for symbolism and that's really fun to play with and add layers to your current understanding.

I am still very taken with this deck. I absolutely love it, and next month it is getting added to my general repertoire for sure. If you're looking for something different but not difficult to learn, this is a really solid option. The use of color and simple symbols is so smart and often so fun. I can't say enough good things about it, so I'll cut off here. It's produced by Llewellyn, so it should be really easy to find. They even have it on Amazon, but I can't suggest going to your local metaphysical shop or a private bookstore instead enough.

Until next time, Blessed Be.

A Spread for Helping a Loved One

Love languages are tricky. While I think the writings about them are important, I'm always a little skeptical when we try to box in or quantify people. Usually what I need from the people I love is quality time, a few snuggles, and support for my dreams. Still, when I'm dumped or feeling hopeless I need words of encouragement. When I'm not able to take care of myself properly because of financial or illness constraint I need acts of service or gifts. No one is one way and no one loves one way. This is complicated by the fact that while I receive love in those ways, I most often express it in encouraging words or gifts, so people assume that's all I need or what I want in return. Then there are times I truly believe no one knows what they want or need, so expressing it or asking for it becomes impossible. My queerplatonic partner right now is going through every bit the hard time I am. We can't find housing and it's really dampening both of our inner lights to not be out on our own (together) right now. Coupled with some job crises on their end, it's been really rough and my normal loved-one's intuition was severely hampered. As always when things are dark, I turned to the tarot for a simple, straightforward spread to see what they needed from me right now.

I know when creating spreads most readers start with overarching themes or ideas, but I nearly always put them last. This is because of how my anxiety works. I usually need the answers when I need them, and then I'm able to take a breathe and see the big picture. If my order of the card placements doesn't work for you, feel free to move them around. Tarot is fluid, and it's best when hyper-personalized.

Deck is Wild Unkown; the new version.

For this spread, I just did three cards. Card 1 is What do they need me to do right now? The Sun lets me know that in remaining optimistic, family-oriented and confident their own mood will alter. As someone who prides herself on her whimsy who is dealing with a very Earthy Earth sign, this is likely also a note to get us not only having fun, but outside in the summer heat so we're not just sitting around fretting. This was an easy message to take though I haven't felt very optimistic lately. I do think that being compassionate to yourself is the most important thing except in extreme circumstances, but I can definitely get us outside and having fun, and I can definitely share my optimism when it does trickle in. 

Card 2 is What do they need me to say right now? The three of cups is all about celebrating love and accomplishments, so my words of encouragement right now can be anything from affirming that I love them no matter what to reminding them of the good they're doing in the world in our lives. I was actually not super off track here, so that was affirming but does help me focus my "helper" energy to this stream.

Card 3 is the bigger picture card I mentioned that you may want to put first. It's What is my role in the things? The Seven of Cups assures me that they are still making decisions with our weird chosen family in mind. This is a card of choices and decisions, so helping make those as well as keeping that cups love flowing is part of my role right now. Knowing my steadfast qpp's heart and chosen relationship roles, it may even be guiding me to fulfill the role of being the primary decision-maker since they have SO much on their plate. The seven of cups is also a card of imagination that coupled with the sun reminds me to not stop dreaming and putting new ideas on the table for consideration.

A lot of times I sit down and work to create a spread I actively engage my imagination and toy with a few different ideas. This one came to me more intuitively and has helped ease the would-be burden beautifully. I also recommend recalibrating this spell for self-love and nurturing the sides of yourself that are feeling angsty.

Until next time, Blessed be.

Welcoming August (and Lammas) with Open Arms

Lammas (which is tomorrow) is generally a time to welcome a harvest with open arms, celebrating the growth and fruition of all the seeds you planted. The reality of this year is that a lot of planted seeds that sprouted only to wither or die or never got off the ground in the first place. This too is a gift, it's just one that takes awhile to process the lessons and gifts off. My preferred method of this is to count my blessings of what DID harvest, or what blew in in lieu of one while I journal through my darker feelings. I do not expect anyone to be able to match me in this--we are allowed to grieve when our dreams die and if wallowing is what you need then wallow like no one ever has before. For me personally, it helps with the grieving to honor the good in that time. SO with that in mind, here's my blessings list/July wrap-up.

• Outdoor Tarot is consistently a high point in my life, and while me and my favorite decks didn't have any huge adventures, we did go out to a hippie farm up north, out to my yard on countless days, and to a beautiful cabin (that one of my best friends owns) in the cutest small town in Wisconsin.
• Things I Wrote: Still in love with my turn at Little Red Tarot, and over at TheColu.mn I published this huge write-up of Queer Fringe pieces. I was thrilled to hop over to Abbie's blog to talk about my favorite writer and what tarot IS to me. I also talked about the importance of taking a break, how to support Black Lives Matter, and a relationship check-in and advice spread on this very blog.
• Theatre Life: Gadfly is moving into an art gallery! I'm sure I'll post more about this, as creating and changing an environment is a spiritual and creative endeavor in and of itself. As such we are genuinely elated for this opportunity, as well as the opportunity to offer low cost space to other queer and marginalized artists. I also took part in the One Minute Play Festival which really reignited my love and joy of theatre outside of Gadfly again.
• Other Things I Loved: playtime with my cat babies (even if they are a suburb over from me right now :( ); boat rides in new lakes, game nights (so many game nights!), the most fun night ever at my new favorite bar/old school arcade, an all POC version of my favorite monthly show, OutSpoken, and too, too many trips to my favorite dive queer bar and corresponding diner across the street.
• Recommendations: The Art of Money by Bari Tesler which I will have MUCH more about coming soon. Juliet Takes a Breath by Gabby Rivera. All of the Saga and all of the Lumberjanes. Season 3 of Bojack Horseman and Stranger Things, both on Netflix. Pokemon Go, obviously. The card game Gloom (so silly-macabre and fun). The Linestrider tarot (official review coming soon!).

I hope those of you celebrating harvests this Lammas get to keep on rocking and those of you grieving missown or bum seeds have a better fall. Blessed be. XO.

Heart and Hands Tarot--Support Now!

Good Afternoon all! I once again feel myself compelled to apologize for a lack of posts but I'm excited to be back, and SO excited to be writing a tarot deck in the works. Liz Blackbird contacted me about her upcoming Heart and Hands Tarot and the IndieGoGo making it all possible. I'm always happy to support queer creators, and I was additionally intrigued by the black and white art. As I watched the video on the campaign's page, I was moved by the unspoken but strong healing energy that went into the deck. I responded and told Liz I was eager to learn more. Here's our Q&A and some info about how you can support this great deck:

Tell us about yourself, first!
My name is Liz Blackbird (she/her/hers). I’m a visual artist, fiction writer, and poet currently based in Brooklyn, but I’m about to move to Ohio to pursue an MFA in creative writing. I’m originally from Michigan, so this will be a bit of a homecoming!

Prior to printing this deck, what was your relationship to tarot?
I’ve been interested in tarot since I was a teenager. I grew up in the suburbs of Flint in the 90s and generally felt a little unsatisfied with the environment around me, like it was kind of a bad fit, like there had to be something better out there. So I think I was predisposed to be attracted to all things magical. I was not raised religious, but my mother’s family was Catholic and evangelical Christianity was a strong (and often oppressive) force many of my friends’ lives, so I’ve also always been resistant to organized religion. A lot of my friends at that time felt similarly and were exploring wicca, neopaganism, and other more open-ended spiritual practices, and I initially learned about tarot through them. Many of us would ultimately come out as queer, and I think that had a lot to do with those initial feelings of discomfort with the status quo and the “bad fit” it seemed to be for us that led us to seek alternative spiritual paths in the first place.

The tarot attracted me as an artist, because I love the way its meanings are conveyed visually through mysterious and evocative images. It also nested nicely with my general agnosticism – whether or not I believe that I am being guided by supernatural forces, I can still trust that what I “read” in the tarot represents my truth on some level, even if it’s just tapping into something I already know about a situation but have been afraid to admit to myself, or giving me a framework to think about a situation in a different way. I generally only read for myself or close friends, so I’m usually pretty intimately acquainted with the lives of people I read for.

What stands out about the Heart and Hands deck? Why did you want to create this deck specifically?
The genesis of this deck was different than most, because it initially began not as a commercial endeavor, but as a personal project that I undertook to help me develop a new artistic direction at a time when I was feeling a little blocked. I had decided not to focus on studio art in college, and was regretting that decision a little bit. I had a really inspiring art professor at the time, Jyung Mee Park at the Maryland Institute College of Art, who essentially told me not to force it, that your art should stem from something you do naturally. In my sketchbooks, I had been doing a lot of casual black-and-white free-associative drawing, so I decided to try to take on a project in that style to see where I could go with it. I was already interested in tarot but didn’t feel that my knowledge of the cards’ meanings was very strong, so I decided to try designing my own deck to both stimulate my creativity and get to know the cards better. This, of course, turned out to be a much bigger project than I expected! It took me ten years to complete the illustrations. Though I had initially expected the project to remain private, as the years went by, so many of my friends saw my drawings and asked about how to get a copy of the deck that I decided I had to print it. I named it the Heart & Hands Tarot as a reminder of the power of our hearts to dream new possibilities and our hands to put those dreams into practice.

Ultimately, I think the black-and-white illustration style I developed is very unique and makes the deck stand out. I also think that my intention to enact a kind of creative “rebirth” through creating these cards really permeates the deck and comes through in the lushness and exuberance of the drawings. I also tried to create images that communicate the meanings of the cards in a direct and relatable way without requiring prior knowledge of other fields, like astrology and Kabbalah. But in general, I think my slow and meditative composition process—the fact that I didn’t force it—is what makes this deck special.

How does your deck speak to marginalized and queer audiences?
Because I identify as queer, and because queerness was so bound up in the way I first became interested in tarot, I tried to design this deck in a way that that avoided presuming heterosexuality or a male perspective, and that included people of color. Many of my figures, especially my Lovers, are very androgynous, and my number cards are all zoomed in to depict only the figures’ hands to avoid ascribing them a fixed identity. For my court cards, I chose to use a Prince and Princess rather than a Knight and Page to have gender equity within the court. There are also two major arcana cards that depict genderqueer figures – Justice and the World. In general, I wanted to create space in the designs for readers to be able to ascribe their own gender and sexuality interpretations to the cards.

Another big element of my work is in helping people heal so they can get to the part where they can be inspired and empowered. How does your deck speak to the healing process?
I think that in a lot of ways, creating this deck was a form of shadow work. Being a visual artist was a strong part of my identity as a teen, but because I did not focus on studio art in college, I found it harder and harder to maintain a creative practice in my 20s. Working on this deck was a big part of what kept me connected to that creative part of myself even as I was trying to make a living in other fields. Also, because the tarot is, among other things, a compendium of archetypal personalities, situations, concepts, and developmental states that we might experience throughout the life cycle, I found that working on parts of the deck that corresponded to issues I was dealing with in my life at the time was a great way to think through those issues in a broader, more distanced, more insightful way. 

Thank you so much for taking time to tell me more about this wonderful new addition to the tarot canon. How can we find out more or support you?
I’m currently running an Indiegogo campaign to raise funds to print the deck, so please visit my campaign page to support the project and to check out the "perks" (including copies of the deck) available for donating. https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/heart-hands-tarot-deck/x/14290775#/ The campaign will be live until August 14th! I'm also launching an Etsy shop, ThirteenWaysToLook, so that I can make the deck available there after the campaign ends. It should be active by the winter of this year.

Thanks so much to all of you, especially Liz. Now, go support indie decks!

Blessed Be.

Take A Break. Take a Breathe.

The Southern Theater During One Minute Play Festival

I love theater. I love it with a passion and intensity that sometimes keeps me up at night reading script after script or watching illegally downloaded scenes (shhh!) online. This is in addition to throwing a substantial amount of my money, time, and spoons into seeing it live. I produce at least three events a year, and that's a slow year and a conservative estimate. I am a renaissance soul, and I am as passionate about spirituality and the career it has provided me, about literature and my dreams of contributing to the literary world, and social justice activism--but nonetheless, theatre is a driving force in my life.

Three years I did five shows back to back, with no break whatsoever, and in fact, prep for 2-4 at a time overlapped significantly. By the end of that final event, which I loved and was so proud of, I was crying almost every day. Everything set me off. I was at max capacity stress level. I was barely scraping myself together for tarot clients and my day job (which I have since quit but that's a different story for a different day), and I wasn't writing at all because I was spent. I was also the second sickest I have ever been. My arthritis wasn't flaring up so much as I was living in the first flare-up that happened in that time for months on end. My PCOS was out of control and there were days I could not keep water down. Yet I was up, working at least 15 hour days between theatre and my other obligations EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was absurd.

So I stopped doing anything but Gadfly. For a really long time. And this past year, Gadfly didn't do any mainstage work until last month, so after this much time not directing, getting back into two projects in a row (that, then One Minute Play Festival) felt exhilarating. It felt like I was me again. I cried Sunday night after 1MPF ended because I was so happy. I even went out with afterwards, had an amazing time and felt almost no social anxiety.

So what changed? First of all, 10/10 recommend taking a break when you need one. If you're making connections, doing good work, and pleasant to be around, contrary to what you think in the heat of it, no one will blame you from stepping away from your field for health, mental health, or any other reason. (Family! Travel! Because!) Your field is probably not steeped in totally unreasonable assholes, and if it is--well, maybe you need to talk to yourself about that. It is so important to take care of yourself and your work, regardless of your field, will suffer if you are crying every day and driving yourself to literal sickness. So take a break. Get some distance. When you start missing it--go back! As SOON as I told people I was interested in both performing storytelling and directing theatre again, things started to trickle in. It takes time to rebuild, but you are not rebuilding from nothing. You unfortunately also will not be building QUITE from where you left off, but somewhere in between is not the worst thing to happen, and if it's gonna save you your sanity or physical health you HAVE to do it.

Time and space were not the only difference though. Unrelated--or so I thought, I went on a big self-care, physical and mental health...quest, I guess? In theatre, and I am not slamming anyone personally because it runs so deep in that culture, it is considered bragging rights to have had the least sleep, to have not had time to eat in three days, to not have friends outside of the show because you don't have time. Everyone goes out and gets drunk together every night, and cures their hangovers with coffee and jumps right into it again. While I know people who navigate this successfully, I did not. Many close to me did not. After some time away and learning to listen to my body, I didn't run into these problems this go.

Of course I ran on less sleep during tech and shows the past month. But I supplemented with water, getting to bed as soon as I could, eating when I was hungry, and finding even five minutes every few hours to sit and do something unrelated--read an article, read a book, journal a fun quote someone said, play Pokemon Go. You need breaks in your day when you're working that hard. I'm no self-care expert though I've come a long way, but what this past month made me realize is this:

You can have your passions and your health.

There's no life hack, magic trick, or prescription to provide both to you though, as both are journeys and take work. There isn't a secret metaphysical ritual we're holding out on you about. But you can listen to your body and your soul and adhere to their requests--and that's pretty much all most spellwork is anyway.

Take a break. Take a breathe. Take your life back. You'll still meet your goals.

Until next time, Blessed be.