Stalker Card Diaries: The Empress & Emperor In The Same Readings

Stalker cards are loosely defined as cards that keep showing up in your readings. They often seem out of place in the reading and have been known to fall out of the deck when they weren’t in line to show up. Most people who read tarot or oracle even casually will have stalker cards on occasion. I went through a period of “The Star” showing up at every turn until I finally buckled down and did some Work On Myself, and yes, that deserved caps. After the U.S. election of 2016 everything was “The Fool” because none of us knew how to operate anymore.

Lately something new-to-me has been happening: I’ve had a PAIR of stalker cards showing up in reading after reading after reading. The Empress & The Emperor are a big reason I started a Queering the Tarot journey in the first place but I rarely saw them together for years beyond when I was learning a new deck and stretching them all out on the floor. Two months ago they started showing up in almost every reading I did. Readings for clients, friends, and community members: there were the Empress & Emperor together. Readings for myself: there they were. It even happened a few times in my #dailytarot series on Instagram.

The Empress and Emperor, for those who don’t know, represent contrasting but complementary energies. The Empress is nurturing and creation. The Emperor is discipline and growth. They both have a dark side too. The Empress can be overbearing and The Emperor can be cruel and strict. Many readers read the Empress as mother and the Emperor as father. Again, that can include positive or negative associations with both depending on the seeker and the situation. In readings, usually one (either one) will show up when someone needs to take control of their life back. The Empress on its own shows up for artists or very occasionally to tell parent-clients of mine to back off of their kids’ lives for now. The Emperor shows up to remind self-employed clients that they have to actually get up and do work if they want money. This card also shows up if someone’s boss or partner is too controlling and it’s time to walk away. These are obviously totally different situations and totally different readings.

Now they’re everywhere together though, hunting me down and forcing me to listen and I’m finally starting to understand what it’s all about: the Empress/Emperor duality living in me and the constant internal struggle of who gets to win when. The Tarot in it’s simplest form is really just a deck of 78 archetypes and how they interact. We all have all 78 cards living and working inside of us at different points in our life. The Empress and The Emperor should be showing up at different times, and once I realized they weren’t I knew it was time to pay attention.

Since my brain injury I’ve had a lot of trouble completing basic tenants of adulthood. Waking up before noon, working more than three hours a day, and eating well all confound me and leave me exhausted now. It would make sense for The Emperor alone to be stalking me and yelling at me to do better. It would make sense for The Empress alone to show up to remind me to be kind to myself or to focus on creative work until I got that fire back. Together they remind me to be kind to myself AND to get work done. This is a really frustrating situation because PTSD gives me an “all or nothing” mentality which means I either work myself to the bone for days on end or I sleep until noon and avoid work by going on adventures the second one of my friends has a free moment. There’s no in between for me.

Which is obviously the problem. My brain injury really taught me that I can not work myself to the bone the way I often do and expect to recover from life-altering circumstances. It just isn’t physically possible. Life and capitalism and loving my work means that I don’t want to blow off work all day and eat whatever happens to be in the cabinet. I have to find a balance. I have to find a way for the driven and ambitious Emperor to co-exist with the kind and nurturing Empress—especially since she’s so driven herself!

I don’t have any solutions yet, but I’m listening. If you’re getting a pair of stalker cards, it is very likely that the cards are showing you a duality within yourself that you need to make peace with and find a comfortable place to sit within. It’s time to sit back and listen. Examine the artwork on your cards and see what hidden symbols or messages you find. Look at the readings as a whole and see what messages beyond the pair of stalker cards end up repeating. Track your readings—and do the other spiritual and emotional work that you require. Within time, you’ll find a way to come to terms with the contrasting energies you’re now getting blasted with; if you’re like me, you’ll also find so much peace and love of self in the listening alone.

Blessed be y’all.

I Guess I'm 32 Now: A Pisces Reawakening

Birthdays are so weird for me. Most of my life I was the kid who invited the whole class to her party and only saw a handful of kids show up. This is in addition to other life circumstances hitting a head around the same time all the time and ultimately every year I end up panicking and heading into a downward spiral of low self-esteem and imposter syndrome about a week before and after the day. I'd like to tell you that I've overcome this cycle and now birthdays are fully a time of rejoicing and carousing, but I like to keep things authentic around here. What I will say is that in spite of my normal feels, I had a wonderful time getting Mexican food, drinks, and taking in some drag with a bunch of my closest friends, and that I was also genuinely touched to receive so many cards by snail mail (after friends were prompted by my queerplatonic partner, a sheer act of love on their part and so sweet of everyone to play along).

Now that I'm another year wiser (ha!) this is what I'm looking forward to manifesting and embracing this year: growth, healing and a stronger conviction to releasing my control over specific outcomes. However, as I do a buttload of reflecting (official New Age term, I promise ;) ) on entering Pisces season, being a Pisces with a Pisces Moon and a rising cancer, it's really important to me that I re-embrace the giant sea of water that I am again. I basically changed my entire life a few years ago, releasing that last bout of toxic friendships and jobs and being left with nothing to fall back on, financially or in terms of emotional support. It was hard, and at the time I thought maybe I'm being really stupid. But I did it, and I'm so glad. I've rebuilt my life, yet again, which is a Pisces trait but this time I want to do it all for real. I rebuilt a house with more walls and locks than windows or doors, and though I have loved just as freely, I have repressed nearly everything else as I paved my way to a new life. Fast forward four years and I have some of the most supportive friends and clients in the universe, and my writing and theatre and tarot practice have taken on a brilliant, magickal life of their own. Yet I so often sit in the center of this whirlpool denying the emotion it takes to do the work I do, and in denying my sensitive sea creature soul, I repress it. I don't want to do that anymore. There has to be a line between sobbing every day and entering yet another codependent relationship and keeping even those close to me outside of the walls I've built. I know there's a balance. I know there's a line. I've seen it, and I know what it looks like--and now it's time. It's time to rule with my heart and intuition, knowing that logic and brute strength are always there to fall back on, to stop trying to be tough and just be me.

I got drunk on my birthday. This would probably not be a notable event to almost anyone reading this. But because of how I behaved in front of ex-friends the last time I got drunk (and because of how they treated me after), I have only ever allowed myself a couple of cocktails (at most) in public since. This is not only notable, it is was a sign even to myself that allowing myself to be uninhibited (which of course you do not need alcohol for but for me this act was linked to a years long pattern of never letting my guard down) was long overdue. Do you know what new, amazing friends and artistic collaborators said the next day after such a brazen display of being vulnerable and very, very silly in public? That they had a great time at my party and hoped I had the best birthday ever. Not actually what I expected or had gotten used to at all. It's amazing what the right people in your life will do, and in truth, I know they've always seen me for the traumatized, hurt, overly emotional highly sensitive fish that I am. They've loved me for it all along, sometimes even begging to see it as I have insisted I am some sort of land bull or something. So this year, as my gift to myself and everyone I love, I am actually going to live as a Pisces and (gasp) even show it to people sometimes.

If you're also a Pisces babe: Happy Birthday! I love you deeply and cosmically, and everyone reading take note: this should be a time of love, whimsy, and deep healing and connection with self for ALL. The Sun in Pisces means for the next few weeks, we all learn how to swim in our deepest waters together.

Blessed be, y'all.

Oatmeal, Lavender and Hyssop Bath--oh my!

Hello all! I'm doing a quick blog today to give you a recipe for a Spiritual Cleanse: this one's a bath! This is one of my favorite rituals that I've almost perfected over the past couple of years. I have a small tub, so adjust accordingly to the size of yours. This bath is perfect for: New Moon Rituals, special full moons (I did it on the last super Moon, for example, after a trying year so far), any Sabbat/holiday/special ritual devoted to cleansing, or anytime it just feels like you're carrying to much "stuff" around with you and it's time to shuck it off.

Obviously I found this photo online, though normally all photos are my own.

In a small wooden or porcelain bowl, I pour:

• 1/2 cup of oatmeal
• handful or two of lavender buds
• smaller handful of hyssop OR you can use hyssop oil
• 2-3 big drops of eucalyptus oil
• 1-2 drops of peppermint oil (the smell is often a little overpowering and I prefer to smell the lavender as theprimary note)
• a couple of crumbled, dry sage leaves (2-3 large or 5 medium)
  
  ***If you prefer, any skin safe oils can be applied directly into bath water***

After it's all in there I use a small spoon or spatula and mix it up until the smell, look, and texture is evenly spread and a little more cohesive. I have a small stash of small mesh bags that tie off that I poured it all into, but if you don't have such a bag, any handmade mesh, cheesecloth, or even pantyhose-style nylon satchel will work. (Bonus, you can do some knot spells as you tie off the handmade ones!) As I mix and pour I think about all the stuff I'm try to cleanse and scrub away with the bath. This is a pretty intense cleansing spell, so the further into that pain, frustrating, aura-murking stuff you can, the better you can let yourself go, the better. Then I light sage in the bathroom itself, run my bath, and toss my satchel into it while it fills up. I usually light a candle and do this in the dark, but that's completely unnecessary. I just have a thing about overhead lights. (I hate them.) In that time I try to clear my mind and focus on what my goals are afterwards. What does shedding this murkiness and ick look like? What happens tomorrow when I'm spiritually squeaky clean and invigorated. I put and aim those intentions into the bath, then I bathe! I usually just sit in the nice, scented hot water, occasionally squeezing the satchel for an extra "oomph" for awhile. I use a washcloth or loofah to actually bathe and scrub myself towards the end though, because I like physicality. I don't think it's actually necessary. Then I rinse, drain, and towel off!

I feel an IMMEDIATE difference usually, but I'll suck down some cold, filtered if possible, water and get a solid eight hours if I can too, because those things really help you feel it the NEXT day, and moving forward. This past one went EXTREMELY well. I feel almost reborn, which isn't the norm, but I always feel more clear-headed and like I've let go of all of those minor irritations that lead to big things.

Feel free to use as often as you feel necessary It's also a really nice, relaxing bath otherwise so you don't have to put all the extra woo and witchcraft in every time.

Until next time, Blessed be!

Yule is Coming!

Both Yule and Secular Christmas are very happy times for me, and we'll get to the latter shortly. For those who don't know, Yule is a Pagan celebration and depending on who you ask it can mean several different things. Common elements, and what I celebrate have to do with rebirth, returning to the starting point, the promise of coming light, and storing your harvest for the winter. As such, I created this rad Yule tarot spread for you all! Don't worry if you can't read my writing. I'll go through it all underneath.

The Spread is four cards, and you can use any layout you want but this one really shouldn't require anything fancy. Before I share spreads, I go through them several times to make sure it works out and the flow is right, and I had the best readings when I just did the four cards in a straight line. The four cards laid out should be read in order of how you read them, with the placements meaning:

1) What should my Yule focus be? By this we mean how should you focus and direct your energy on this day. For those of us who do ritual, what should that ritual be about? For those who just meditate and think a lot of things through throughout the day, what should you be thinking about?

2) What parts of me need to be reborn? In other words, which parts of ourselves should be transforming and changing or looked at totally differently this season?

3) What should I do to plan and store for my future? (Pretty straightforward)

4) How can I use the energy and lessons of this Yule to increase my happiness moving forward?

Below is a sample reading. Please note that while I do occasionally share public readings, this one is just a sample. Do not take it as a reading meant for you, me, or anyone else. It was done with my Tarot of the Silicon Dawn by Egypt Urnash.

Here we see the four cards laid out in a straight-ish line. We have the Chariot, the Five of Swords, the Queen of Pentacles, and the Two of Swords. As a reader the first thing I do is look at everything all together. What are my big messages this Yule? In this sample, we have Two Swords and the Chariot, all of which have elements of pain or moving on from it. Perseverance is a concurrent thread, or lack of it as the case may be. I'll note which colors or symbols stand out to me and if I think that means anything. Then I make note (mental or otherwise) of those things and look at the placements and cards individually.

1) What should my Yule focus be? With the Chariot here most likely my spiritual energy is best spent pursuing and going deeper with ongoing spiritual work, and based on the interpretation in this deck, connecting with my body and putting the various pieces of my life into something streamlined.

2) What parts of me need to be reborn? With the 5 of Swords, the parts I'm looking at rebirthing or transforming are the parts of me that are getting trapped by past pain or current fears. So I'd spend some time journaling and thinking about what that rebirth looks like. Do I need to reassess how I process pain? How I use fear? Or do I just need to let the parts of me that have been hurt grow back or rejuvenate?

3) What should I do to plan and store for my future? The Queen of Pentacles likes things nice and lush, but is in a stable place in her life and can enjoy herself. She works very hard and knows she deserves the rewards that come with that. The cards are likely telling me to invest in nicer things so I don't have to replace them as often, and to keep growing my businesses and allowing them to flourish. Likewise, investing in my own companies would be a good idea here. Enjoying myself and sharing with others is also key this holiday season, as holding on to every penny and investing it all will not make me feel confident financially, which will not allow me to grow.

4) How can I use the energy and lessons of this Yule to increase my happiness moving forward? Two of Swords--take all of these lessons in, and clear my mind. This card has trouble seeing what's in front of it and is frequently called on when one needs to make big decisions. So my best course of action is to clear my mind, take the rest of the advice of the cards, and then take that leap of faith. In this deck, that is particularly true if that leap of faith requires letting things go or moving beyond them, which ties in nicely with our other cards. The Chariot wants me to push forward and the 5 of Swords wanted those pain filled parts of me to be reborn.

Hope you enjoy it! I love Yule as a time to celebrate the faithfulness of light, and the more disciplined, determined dieties I worship. Sun dieties especially come to me now, guiding me even when we can't see them. Yule is the same time as Winter Solstice every year, which makes it December 21st this year, but I designed this spread with the idea that you'd use it to prepare for the day. It's also a good end of year spread, but I'll be doing a specific end of year spread a little later this month too.

Another thing I love that people are surprised by is secular Christmas. I grew up in a Christian household and community and still hold many of Christ's teachings close to my chest. ("Love your neighbor as yourself, and love me as I have loved you" is still one of the most beautiful things I have ever read.) Christmas doesn't mean what it used to mean to me as my faith has evolved, but it still represents a time to celebrate hope, love, and time with family. The pressure of buying so many gifts gets really overwhelming for me sometimes, but I genuinely love the practice. I also love receiving gifts and anyone who says they don't is lying! However, Christmas absolutely has its pitfalls. It is SO commercialized, there is SO much pressure to be ON all the time, and so many people are basically forced to spend time with so many people who may not love and support them the rest of the year the way they claim to now. Last year me and my roommate decided to reject those parts, but we are in a place of privilege to have been able to do so. For the rest of us, this is my favorite "dealing with the holidays" spread I have ever found. Seriously, it's SO good. Do it as much as you need to as many times as you get stressed this holiday season. It will help.

In the meantime, Blessed Be!