I Guess I'm 32 Now: A Pisces Reawakening
Birthdays are so weird for me. Most of my life I was the kid who invited the whole class to her party and only saw a handful of kids show up. This is in addition to other life circumstances hitting a head around the same time all the time and ultimately every year I end up panicking and heading into a downward spiral of low self-esteem and imposter syndrome about a week before and after the day. I'd like to tell you that I've overcome this cycle and now birthdays are fully a time of rejoicing and carousing, but I like to keep things authentic around here. What I will say is that in spite of my normal feels, I had a wonderful time getting Mexican food, drinks, and taking in some drag with a bunch of my closest friends, and that I was also genuinely touched to receive so many cards by snail mail (after friends were prompted by my queerplatonic partner, a sheer act of love on their part and so sweet of everyone to play along).
Now that I'm another year wiser (ha!) this is what I'm looking forward to manifesting and embracing this year: growth, healing and a stronger conviction to releasing my control over specific outcomes. However, as I do a buttload of reflecting (official New Age term, I promise ;) ) on entering Pisces season, being a Pisces with a Pisces Moon and a rising cancer, it's really important to me that I re-embrace the giant sea of water that I am again. I basically changed my entire life a few years ago, releasing that last bout of toxic friendships and jobs and being left with nothing to fall back on, financially or in terms of emotional support. It was hard, and at the time I thought maybe I'm being really stupid. But I did it, and I'm so glad. I've rebuilt my life, yet again, which is a Pisces trait but this time I want to do it all for real. I rebuilt a house with more walls and locks than windows or doors, and though I have loved just as freely, I have repressed nearly everything else as I paved my way to a new life. Fast forward four years and I have some of the most supportive friends and clients in the universe, and my writing and theatre and tarot practice have taken on a brilliant, magickal life of their own. Yet I so often sit in the center of this whirlpool denying the emotion it takes to do the work I do, and in denying my sensitive sea creature soul, I repress it. I don't want to do that anymore. There has to be a line between sobbing every day and entering yet another codependent relationship and keeping even those close to me outside of the walls I've built. I know there's a balance. I know there's a line. I've seen it, and I know what it looks like--and now it's time. It's time to rule with my heart and intuition, knowing that logic and brute strength are always there to fall back on, to stop trying to be tough and just be me.
I got drunk on my birthday. This would probably not be a notable event to almost anyone reading this. But because of how I behaved in front of ex-friends the last time I got drunk (and because of how they treated me after), I have only ever allowed myself a couple of cocktails (at most) in public since. This is not only notable, it is was a sign even to myself that allowing myself to be uninhibited (which of course you do not need alcohol for but for me this act was linked to a years long pattern of never letting my guard down) was long overdue. Do you know what new, amazing friends and artistic collaborators said the next day after such a brazen display of being vulnerable and very, very silly in public? That they had a great time at my party and hoped I had the best birthday ever. Not actually what I expected or had gotten used to at all. It's amazing what the right people in your life will do, and in truth, I know they've always seen me for the traumatized, hurt, overly emotional highly sensitive fish that I am. They've loved me for it all along, sometimes even begging to see it as I have insisted I am some sort of land bull or something. So this year, as my gift to myself and everyone I love, I am actually going to live as a Pisces and (gasp) even show it to people sometimes.
If you're also a Pisces babe: Happy Birthday! I love you deeply and cosmically, and everyone reading take note: this should be a time of love, whimsy, and deep healing and connection with self for ALL. The Sun in Pisces means for the next few weeks, we all learn how to swim in our deepest waters together.
Blessed be, y'all.