Kicking Down My Own Tower

My freshman year of college was one of my worst to date, though my PTSD didn't kick in until I lived 1,500 miles away from everyone who'd traumatized me. I was doing great for a couple of years once I was in the Midwest, until one night while I was asleep, and my house was robbed. I was physically completely fine, but I remember consciously having the thought "I'm never going to be safe." That's when the floodgates opened and everything I'd experienced years prior came rushing back to me.

I talk about most of this a lot. I talk about my rapes. I talk about how sick my mom has been off and on, how poverty-stricken my childhood was intermittently. And I allude to "this really bad roommate in college" quite a bit, but it was worse than that. We'll call her Sarah. I thought Sarah and I had a soul connection, chosen family, twin flames, etc. etc. While I won't regale the entire thing now, suffice it to say she was verbally and emotionally abusive--and that wasn't the worst of it. She also broke into my email, even writing emails as me. She took out almost a dozen credit cards in my name. (They have since dropped off my credit report. Goddess bless financial advisors helping me out further.) And she made me anxious, fearful of my own spiritual power, fearful of my own voice, fearful to get too close to people. To this day my biggest show of trust is me sharing a password with you because you need onto a computer. To this day Sarah shows up in my dreams, laughing at the way my stomach drops to see her.

Over the past several years, my PTSD has taken several things from me. One of the most notable is my desire and ability to perform--I don't have any performance related trauma, but it's made my anxiety come into entirely new places, like severe stage fright that incapacitates me to the point that it doesn't seem worth it to push past it. My close friends know the highlights of this story, and I've told most of my family and people who's relationships were affected by her manipulations. But speaking of Sarah publicly, even under a fake name? Let alone telling my semi-newly found stage fright to screw off so I could tell it publicly. But Thursday night that's exactly what I did.

I've slowly been working my way up to performing regularly again. I don't have a desire to do the whole actor's life thing again. Producing, curation, and theatre direction really are my artistic passions(beyond writing that is). But I do genuinely love performing. I have friends who are glorious storytellers, and there's things that intersect writing and performing beyond that like what the Neo-Futurist's do theatrically that I would happily spend my entire life doing if I thought that was an option for me. Performing IS going to be a part of my life. It is a part of my voice as a writer and theater artist, and while I don't need to "perform" where tarot is concerned, teaching and speaking still require a comfort level with elements of performance. So I;ve been taking it slow but getting back in the saddle. In February I put together a series of short plays for a Patrick's Cabaret event about my dating life, and that was wonderful. And I told a hilarious story about getting my period at a nice restaurant with white chairs (WHO HAS WHITE CHAIRS?! SERIOUSLY) at a different storytelling show a few months ago. I've jumped up to do shorter pieces at open mics and been working steadily on having a collection to pull from.

So when I was invited to feature at Story Club in October, I had two thoughts. One was the "hell yes" that I judge every decision by. (If that's not my reaction, I don't do the thing.) Two was "oh hell what do I even talk about?" Deep down though, I knew it was time to talk about Sarah. I'm a sucker for all things horror in October, and this was a real life horror story. I also met Sarah at a Halloween event. She's on my mind a lot, every year, around this time. This year I feel different though. I've been making so many big, important changes and yet I've still been sitting here, sitting with this entire thing just swirling around inside of me. It was time to talk.

So I did. I got up in front of a pretty decent sized crowd that included two of my storytelling idols, and I tore down the tower of "not knowing how to even start processing this" by doing the thing Sarah always tried to prevent me doing: telling people about it.

I had somewhat more altruistic reasons for this too. I like to talk about things that people don't talk about a lot but a lot of people experience, (like getting your period EVERYWHERE at a dinner party), and I'm not the first person to deal with a truly toxic, abusive, sociopathic friend. We don't think about how formative friendships are, especially when we're young, but they frequently shape us as much as our family and love lives do. But we have tools for dealing with those things, we have resources, and people talk about them at least MORE than they talk about abusive friends even if it still isn't enough. I'm not a proponent of kicking everyone who's the least bit negative or problematic to the curb. I get a lot of satisfaction out of giving unconditional love, working towards true compromises, and meeting people where they are and watching them grow. But there are genuinely horrible people in this world. I lived with one and she controlled my every move for a (luckily relatively short) period of time. I hope in speaking about it, others recognize those patterns sooner, or at least know they aren't alone in having had these experiences.

Story Club was a wonderful audience and experience--some people came up to me and talked about their own trauma and toxic experiences. Little introvert me was a little overwhelmed, but it was a good overwhelm. I feel relieved to not just be carrying this story around in a pocket of my soul anymore, and I feel honored to have gotten to tell it among such distinguished company and at an event I respect so much. It reminds me why I'm so addicted to the cycle of: Tower, Death, Judgment in my life, but that that isn't always a bad thing. That cycle got me to the Midwest. It gave me success in my careers. And now it's allowing me to breathe in a subject I haven't in so long.

If you want to know more about Storytelling, come to Story Club or visit the Story Arts MN or Wordsprout websites.

Blessed be!

At Home Tarot Studio Is Open For Business!

Y'all. I am so excited. The QPP and I's last space that was just ours only had a tarot section of the living room due to space constraints, and I'm SO thrilled to have this room--I won't be able to use this extra room as a tarot studio forever, but that's a different announcement for a different time. In the immediate though, this beautiful apartment also comes with space for me to make magick, experiment with new decks and cards, and of course--read for clients and coach students. (My writing will probably still be done from my bed, if I'm being totally honest). Furthermore, my QPP is now fully qualified and taking Pay What You Can Reiki clients, and WE LEFT SO MUCH OPEN SPACE FOR ENERGY WORK which means the energy of the whole space is going to feel healing and vibrant in no time. Without further ado, LOOK AT THIS MAGICKAL ESCAPE:

Uh, we maybe haven't figured out altars yet. Don't judge us for this messy one.

Here's a close-up of the corner I journal, read, learn, teach, and read cards in--it's right by the windows so we have the great views still. That table covering is a zodiac wheel that I got while visiting my family in Ohio. I love it. It changes depending on my mood though. Sometimes it's just black, green, or purple.

AND THE BOOKS. This is only about 2/3. I just discovered a box I was really confused about way back in the end of the apartment hall I don't go in a lot, and I am very generous with loaning my books out so long as I trust the people. A dear friend is dropping off a TON of mine back to me in the next couple of days. I might even have to move my decks, so we'll see! (They probably deserve their own small shelf anyway).

That's the gist of it for now, but I haven't done any photo-heavy posts since we moved. Once I have altars and everything ready to go I'll likely do another one. In the meantime,

Blessed be!

Light, Dark, and Discarded Pieces of Myself

For many pagans, this Thursday marks Mabon, a holiday to celebrate the changing seasons and welcome the second harvest. On this day, also called the Autumn Equinox, day and night are the same amount of time, so for many of us it's a chance to celebrate the necessity of both light and dark, and the joy that the balance of both brings.

This Mabon, I was struggling to figure out what my meditation and ritual should be. My usual celebrations just didn't feel right, and I have had the most confusing few weeks. Finally on a walk along the river, as I admired the leaves starting to turn, I cried out to my gods to cut through my scattered, sad thoughts, and slowly as I meandered it started coming to me. You see, for as long as I can remember, I've almost completely reinvented myself every few years. Often this was out of necessity--when you see the good in everyone, you often overlook the bad so I got my heart trampled on a lot. I've been taken advantage of a lot. And every time I got fed up, I just started over. New friend group, new clothing style, hair chopped off, big steps forward in my career. There were even a few dramatic location changes somewhere in there. In some areas of my life this has served me incredibly well. My multiple careers are streamlined enough to keep me motivated but relatively stable, and I am beyond in love with Minneapolis, my apartment, my cats, my blue and purple hair. Embracing the new--the new day, the new sun, the new light, has always created a multitude of blessings for me.

But with each new version of me, I killed off old parts of myself that I know I was meant to retain, each time losing another piece of my soul and my power until finally, I went through my current evolution--the one where my anxiety went through the roof and I didn't actually evolve so much as got really scared and meek. Of everything. Obviously none of that is working for me, at all and emotionally it has all been hitting a head I didn't understand. I have spent the last few weeks feeling so lost. I have a beautiful apartment, and so many other blessings and I thought when this many things would click into place I'd feel better. Less scared, less sad, less meek. Instead I've spent the last few weeks crying at the drop of a hat and staring off into space, completely unmotivated.

Then a college friend came to see me, and as we regaled my (amazing, not going anywhere) friends with stories of second college me, I felt completely overwhelmed and yet better than I have in months. It felt like I'd been wearing some costume that didn't quite fit and this college friend I haven't even seen in forever somehow made me see how silly I looked without even knowing what she was doing. While I was still reeling from this, I ran into an old rival from a couple of life cycles ago. She has moved on and is stable and content in her life, and was thrilled to see me. Catching up was surprisingly nice even as my stomach filled with butterflies for reasons I didn't understand. I eventually realized that I thought I'd been living in fear of running into her or other people from this phase, but really I've been afraid of running into the version of myself I was then. But I realized during our jovial conversation that this rival wasn't all bad then, and neither was I.

The old, the abandoned, the dark--these are the parts of myself I've kept hidden from all but a few. These are the parts I've kept hidden from myself in spite of glaring evidence that my sass, my cunning, my strength were needed. This Mabon I want to dance in my own darkness and feel it around me. I want to wear it like a shroud and when day breaks I want to keep wearing it still as the sun beats down on my face assuring me that these old versions of me aren't only harmless, but good for me. This Mabon, I want to return from the grey I've been living in and trying to convince myself that this is what light feels like. This Mabon, I want to renegotiate my concepts of light and dark entirely. This Mabon, I want my first spiritual connections to be with the versions of myself I killed off. I want them to know I'm sorry. I want them to come back. And I want the me that willed this apartment, my tarot business, my writing career into being, that fights for my theatre company's success every day, that keeps loving new friends and partners even when it's the scariest thing in the world, to know one thing: she's not going anywhere either.

Take A Break. Take a Breathe.

The Southern Theater During One Minute Play Festival

I love theater. I love it with a passion and intensity that sometimes keeps me up at night reading script after script or watching illegally downloaded scenes (shhh!) online. This is in addition to throwing a substantial amount of my money, time, and spoons into seeing it live. I produce at least three events a year, and that's a slow year and a conservative estimate. I am a renaissance soul, and I am as passionate about spirituality and the career it has provided me, about literature and my dreams of contributing to the literary world, and social justice activism--but nonetheless, theatre is a driving force in my life.

Three years I did five shows back to back, with no break whatsoever, and in fact, prep for 2-4 at a time overlapped significantly. By the end of that final event, which I loved and was so proud of, I was crying almost every day. Everything set me off. I was at max capacity stress level. I was barely scraping myself together for tarot clients and my day job (which I have since quit but that's a different story for a different day), and I wasn't writing at all because I was spent. I was also the second sickest I have ever been. My arthritis wasn't flaring up so much as I was living in the first flare-up that happened in that time for months on end. My PCOS was out of control and there were days I could not keep water down. Yet I was up, working at least 15 hour days between theatre and my other obligations EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was absurd.

So I stopped doing anything but Gadfly. For a really long time. And this past year, Gadfly didn't do any mainstage work until last month, so after this much time not directing, getting back into two projects in a row (that, then One Minute Play Festival) felt exhilarating. It felt like I was me again. I cried Sunday night after 1MPF ended because I was so happy. I even went out with afterwards, had an amazing time and felt almost no social anxiety.

So what changed? First of all, 10/10 recommend taking a break when you need one. If you're making connections, doing good work, and pleasant to be around, contrary to what you think in the heat of it, no one will blame you from stepping away from your field for health, mental health, or any other reason. (Family! Travel! Because!) Your field is probably not steeped in totally unreasonable assholes, and if it is--well, maybe you need to talk to yourself about that. It is so important to take care of yourself and your work, regardless of your field, will suffer if you are crying every day and driving yourself to literal sickness. So take a break. Get some distance. When you start missing it--go back! As SOON as I told people I was interested in both performing storytelling and directing theatre again, things started to trickle in. It takes time to rebuild, but you are not rebuilding from nothing. You unfortunately also will not be building QUITE from where you left off, but somewhere in between is not the worst thing to happen, and if it's gonna save you your sanity or physical health you HAVE to do it.

Time and space were not the only difference though. Unrelated--or so I thought, I went on a big self-care, physical and mental health...quest, I guess? In theatre, and I am not slamming anyone personally because it runs so deep in that culture, it is considered bragging rights to have had the least sleep, to have not had time to eat in three days, to not have friends outside of the show because you don't have time. Everyone goes out and gets drunk together every night, and cures their hangovers with coffee and jumps right into it again. While I know people who navigate this successfully, I did not. Many close to me did not. After some time away and learning to listen to my body, I didn't run into these problems this go.

Of course I ran on less sleep during tech and shows the past month. But I supplemented with water, getting to bed as soon as I could, eating when I was hungry, and finding even five minutes every few hours to sit and do something unrelated--read an article, read a book, journal a fun quote someone said, play Pokemon Go. You need breaks in your day when you're working that hard. I'm no self-care expert though I've come a long way, but what this past month made me realize is this:

You can have your passions and your health.

There's no life hack, magic trick, or prescription to provide both to you though, as both are journeys and take work. There isn't a secret metaphysical ritual we're holding out on you about. But you can listen to your body and your soul and adhere to their requests--and that's pretty much all most spellwork is anyway.

Take a break. Take a breathe. Take your life back. You'll still meet your goals.

Until next time, Blessed be.

Tarot For Anyone! A Quick Learning Trick

While I've been reading tarot for over a decade (weeps about aging forever) I still employ this trick every time I pick up a new deck, before I even look at the book or anything. Most readers do this, but lately I've been talking to a few super new on or still just considering a tarot path who get super caught up in "how am I ever gonna memorize this book?" The short answer is it takes time, but you will. Just dilligently work on it nearly every day for awhile.

BUT the great news is you can still find a lot of use in your cards by just looking at the picture, and gleaning what there is to glean artistically from them. This is particularly true for advice questions. "What should I do" is quickly answered by seeing what the figure in the picture is doing. "What's my next step" can be answered by looking at the picture overall--again, likely what the figure is doing, but there can be some other giveaways too. If you know symbols really well, animals featured could be giving you a sign based on your interpretation of those animals. Colors, runes, various constellations, etc. etc. could all be doing the same thing. Questions of "Who" can also be answered by going directly off the traits, attitude, or energy of the figure on the card.

For example, in the photo above, it's fine if you have no clue what the (fabulous) book from this Book of Shadows: As Above deck says about this card. It's easy to assess that you have some crystals poking out of the corner, some bright purple flowers, a gnome relaxing in their element. The instrument might stand out to you if you're a creative or especially musical person, and that beam of sunlight across the card has always struck me.

So if I had asked "What should I do about my financial situation?" I would assess based on the relaxed gnome and all the Earthly things blooming around them that I should just relax, because I had already put myself in a good position and news was coming. Or if I saw the instrument first, I would think that utilizing my creative talents for money was my next strategy. If I had asked a more spiritual question such as "What is my soul needing", some time around music, in sunlight, or possible some crystal or plant healing would come to me as the answers.

Another example so you can see how cards work together, is based off the above. (In reality the odds of this pair showing up together in a well shuffled deck is a little slim, but hey.) A question I've been grappling with lately is "What keeps holding me back?" and "Where do I go from here?" If I needed some basic guidance to these questions and pulled these two cards from my Prisma Visions tarot I would see that Skull, the word Emperor, and the cacophony of color around it. I would discern based on the animal that my own stubbornness was killing me, and from the colors that my mind was too scattered to make much sense of the things going on. Meanwhile the "Where do I go from here?" card shows a woman embracing the light, elevating herself, almost above the solid ground she's built. She is bright against a dark background. While with a seeker other than myself I might have trouble putting it into words, I think the image does speak for itself--look towards the positive, the light. Look ahead. The gold and yellow give us a strong sense of newness and freshness, and this would be about embracing and accepting the new.

Tarot is so frequently seen as this big, scary huge 78-things-to-learn process, but you can utilize the art and the keywords to provide yourself the guidance you need as you work on memorizing in more traditional ways. I'd love to hear more beginner's tips and tricks, and will for sure have more unfold over the course of this blog.

Until next time,
Blessed Be

No End of Month Wrap-Up for April

Hey All,

Just wanted to drop a quick note about the slight blogging hiatus. I've been really sluggish lately, and at first it was easy to chalk up to my depression, until I noticed I didn't feel depressed. I felt tired. Really, really tired. Then some other weird things happened, and long story short my thyroid is out of control right now. I love this blog, tarot, witchery, writing about it all--but I need the rest of this week and some of next to recover, and by then April will be long gone. Suffice it to say, things did turn around for me, and I love where things are headed.

You can read about queer tarot by me here and here. You can read some writing from a new friend I made here. You can support my tarot biz by ordering an email reading, making an appointment, or visiting me here. You can support my theatre biz by grabbing tickets to this, this, or marking your calendar for this.

Until next time, Blessed be.

Please send healing energy in the meantime! Much love to you all. Enjoy this gratuitous photo of my cat.

I Did A Bunch of Scary Stuff Lately

I live with pretty severe anxiety, and on top of that while I'm not super pro self-diagnosis, I'm almost positive I have Avoidant Personality Disorder. Some of the specific things I'm afraid of include (but are definitely not limited to): queer girls who are cooler than me, speaking in front of people, talking out loud about shit I've been through, asking for things, asking for money, dealing with conflict, receiving even the most well-intentioned critical feedback, and telling people out loud that I'm setting boundaries. So it might seem weird that I've chosen not one, but three career tracks (Renaissance Soul for life!) that rely heavily on engaging audiences or clients, asking for tangible support from theoretical supporters, and speaking my truth. I've managed to carve out comfort zones within that though: asking via internet, delegation when that can't be done, and setting firm boundaries and post-scary-thing self-care modules.

March and early April were rough for me for a lot of reasons, but truth be told I've been through much harder times in my life. After taking some time for self-reflection I think what wore me out SO much was how much I pushed my own boundaries, which is a good thing, but without taking extra time and effort for self-care, which is not. After realizing this, I'm really proud of some of the things I did: I directly engaged with queer girls who are WAY cooler than me. I maintained some substantial professional relationships that in the immediate rely on me asking for prolonged favors. A project failed and I had to look my collaborators in the eye and ask why. And ultimately I ended up on stage doing a story-telling feature about getting my period all over a nice restaurant in a nearby affluent suburb.

Some of the lessons I took away from this seem so basic. "Just do the scary thing" is obviously the biggest one, and I used to be a lot better about that. At some point I had enough professional colleagues or close friends to delegate scary things too and enough successes I could achieve without digging TOO deep that I really had ended up in a very comfortable place. This is such an achievement in and of itself for someone who doesn't trust people and is afraid of both fear and success in and of themselves, and it was important for me to get to that safe place to know that I COULD get to safe places in my life. But I know more than anybody that if we sit complacent for too long, we stop succeeding. So it was also important for me to get OUT of that safe place and into scary-land again. I didn't take the impetus myself, and the universe forced my hand, but it did remind me of how much more confidently I used to approach such things. Doing the things that terrify me never crushed me quite like it did this time, even when they failed, and sometimes the lesson we're meant to be learning are not new to us.

I also learned something kind of horrible: there's no easy answer to overcoming anxiety enough to succeed. There isn't. At some point my fear of continued failure became worse than my fear of talking to people, and that's what pushed me towards the scary stuff. I think getting to that point IS the point. There is no quick fix or easy answer for something that requires prolonged therapy and possibly medication. I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and feel like I fit in with hip lesbians or more successful WTFs. I'm not going to overcome my fear of criticism in a day, or by receiving positive feedback. I'm not going to conquer my all-consuming fear of failure simply by having it come true once and being okay. There aren't easy answers. Sometimes you just have to do the thing anyway. You have to reach as far inside of you as you can to summon enough strength to get through that hour, or evening, or even day. 

And know this: everyone is afraid, all the time. Nobody feels like they know what they're doing a majority of the time. Maybe that's depressing because that means dealing with fear doesn't get easier, but I choose to look at as comforting, because it means I'm not alone in my fears, ever. Yes, there are confident people, and yes, that sometimes includes me--but for me, my confidence is now coming from knowing that I am going to be okay no matter what, and knowing that the things I'm feeling are necessary for growth. It comes from knowing I am perfectly competent at the things I do, even if in the movement I'd rather disappear than do the scary thing. It comes from knowing I am loved, on the right life path, and usually have karma on my side--in other words, I do tons of spiritual work and am a good person well BEFORE I need to be confident in a moment. And, yes, as a part-Slytherin sometimes my confidence comes from knowing everyone around me is just as scared and there is no way all of our fears are justified.

And the thing I re-learned this time, with a vengeance, is that when you summon up the courage, or the energy to override ANY neuroatypical or trauma-based coding, you have to, have to, have to take care of yourself afterwards. After my story-telling feature two of my best friends took me out for a nice meal and a beer and listened to me just whine about how scary things were. It felt great. It also reminded me that after all of the other scary things I'd done in the previous three three weeks, I should've had a glass of wine, a hot tub, a good book, or even just a fucking pizza waiting for myself when I was done. Because taking care of yourself in the moment may be beyond your control, but if you nurture yourself before and after, you WILL keep doing the scary stuff, and it's not gonna drain you nearly as much.

I don't have all the answers. I'm just a queer, disabled solopreneur and artist trying to survive capitalism and help others do the same--but I think I'm starting to get a handle on keeping myself together, even when all I want to do is fall apart. I can say with certainty after this month that the scary things are worth doing--but you should definitely have a safe place to land in between.

Blessed be.

Los Angeles, Queer Art, and the Eye of Horus

Oh gosh, friends. March 2016 will go down in my personal history as one of the best and worst months of my entire life. The things that were good were unbelievable, but the things that weren't have made me feel like crumbling and giving up on various dreams for the first time really in my life. I absolutely love everything I do, but when you are trying so hard in one area and it feels like you're getting nowhere, it is a hopeless feeling. After many tarot readings and much soul-searching, I once again know I am doing the right things in the right place in generally the right time. I know things are going to turn around, I do. In the meantime, here are the highlights of where I went when I wasn't writing this blog:

• My steady tarot gig gives me so much solace. Everyone was so happy to see me when I came back from LA, and I have some clients going through much tougher things than I that are handling it with so much grace. Sometimes my clients truly do inspire me as much as I hope to be helping them, and it's such a joy be at The Eye of Horus a few days a week.
• I road tripped to LA with two of my dearest friends to marry off one of our other dearest friends. I never did do an official travel diary in spite of feeling incredibly spiritually connected to so much of what happened, but I ate some of the best food of my life, saw some friends who are so, so special to me when I wasn't doing wedding stuff, shopped Studio City, did so much tarot on patios and reading in hot tubs, and the road trip itself brought me to tears with the beauty of the Rockies, the desert, and so much more.

Ignore my total femme fail nail situation going on here.

• My beloved theatre company curated what I honestly think were three amazing nights of all LGBTQQIAP+ entertainment, and while so much of the process didn't pan out like we hoped, the generosity of performers, the venue, and the audience that did come was unparallel to anything we've experienced thus far. Honestly, by the end of the process I could have been a million times worse off but so, so many beautiful people around me gave so much of themselves when I needed them too, and in the end we did raise some money for a space, and we did make new Gadfly fans, and we did have so much to be grateful for.
• After L.A. I planned to get reacquainted with my new living space, and get the cats used to everything. In between writing articles, planning my next artistic ventures, and everything else that went on, I did manage too. My fluffy cat is still a jerk to the dog, but the dog's learned to let it go, and they DO all sleep in the luckily King sized bed with me.
• You might hear more about this later, but the QPP and I have been in a weird headspace so we've been adventuring around the Twin Cities by checking out new spots...but also by checking out old haunts from when we were other people with other squads. It's been interesting, and we're not done yet, so I want to see where this ultimately takes us and why before I say too much else.
• Among the great new things I've tried, there is an innovative new ice cream place that I'm in love with (so not vegan, so don't even care). I know that sounds hella pretentious, and it kind of us, but it's also a total party in your mouth. I also love the rebranding and new menu at one of my old faves, and two of my dearest friends took me here for belated birthday treats (pictured below).

• I was on a few podcasts and it was really fun. Check out Magnotronic here and Broadside here! I also did KFAI's Fresh Fruit again, but I'm not sure if the recording is still up.

There really were a lot of highlights this month. In addition to my personal highlights above, a good friend of mine won an amateur drag competition I was lucky enough to see, I read a lot of really amazing books (including the new Jhumpa Lahiri, which is one of the single best books I have ever read) and graphic novels, (This one sticks with me the most.) and I'm a little late to the game, but when I really needed to hide away from the world I caught up with Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, a surprisingly progressive show doing some really interesting things artistically and socially.

Please feel free to chime in promoting your own recent work or letting me know where to find cool stuff online or in Minneapolis I'd be into!

Until then, Blessed Be.

My Year of Movement, So Far

Every year I pick a word or idea to focus on to keep me going. This year I picked "movement" because man, I have some big goals and dreams and they are not gonna make themselves come true. It just really feels like it's time to be pushing myself towards the things I want, and up until the past couple of weeks that really felt like it was swimming along just fine. January was so much prep and planning and getting ready for all that a year of movement entailed that I really didn't have a lot of emotional investment in it. I had no clue how it would all shake out in real time, but I knew what my goals were and what I wanted to move towards and what the tangible steps involved were. I took a very even-keeled approach to the whole thing. I packed all my stuff in boxes and got ready for a February physical move. I threw out a bunch of old to make way for a bunch of new. I read up on graphic design for dummies (still so lost. Please point me to resources if you have them!), mediumship, and how to land a book deal. I saved a ton of money. I prayed a lot. I made lists and plans and wrote down my most ridiculous dreams, just in case.

Then February came. Time to physically, literally move and that went okay. It was exhausting but it got done. Also as a side note, I turned 31. Nothing keeps you marching in forward movement like time refusing to stand still for you. I don't know that I've written about the specifics of my move before, but essentially I (and my queerplatonic partner of course) were offered free housing in the house we dog-sit at sometimes for four months. Pretty decent amenities were involved too--a Jacuzzi every night is a pretty effective pain management technique, and I'm not gonna argue with free cable. I was immediately so relieved by this offer. Yes I'm dog and house sitting in exchange, but my life has been so hard financially since I was a kid, and it seems like every time I take a step forward I am forced two steps back. I took this offer as a sign that I was to spend this time to really grow my businesses and make them sustainable financially. With Gadfly my goal has always been to have a space where queer artists can thrive, make enough to keep it going and pay artists decently, and to make radical art in traditional mediums that elevate queer voices. I've been doing the latter for six years, but it's definitely time to hone in and focus on the first two, and I know not having to worry about making rent or bills for essentially five months (since you don't pay for your last month in a space usually) meant time to focus that energy in other areas. Additionally, my tarot, miscellaneous art, and writing pay my bills now, but that's about all they do. I work so incredibly hard, and I am so blessed to actually make my living doing only things I love and think are important while also making a flexible enough schedule to manage my chronic pain. But no life is perfect and truth be told there are months on end where I am scraping by with an occasional "good" month where I can do things like buy new bras and save for a vacation. This is the reality of solo entrepreneurship that a lot of people won't tell you, and I live in a mid-sized city with a huge artistic community and it's still really hard. It's worth it. Do not misunderstand. I am not cut out for early mornings and hours of busy work, and manage to have both avoidant personality and oppositional defiance disorders. I am not cut out to do only one thing with my life, or to only see my friends for one or two happy hours a week. Some people live so fully and happily in that life and that's great. Some people need the structure, the order, the safety and some people legitimately love crunching numbers and are willing to do it during regular business hours to do it and that's amazing because nothing I do is possible without those people. I am definitively not one of those people though, and I love my life. I love sitting on a friend's porch while they chain smoke and talking late into the night knowing I don't have to be up the next morning. I love not having to "put in" for time off hoping it comes through. I love working in coffee shops, or on my couch, or in my temporary home's king-sized bed. More importantly though, I am head over heels in love with the written word, with tarot cards, with theatre and all of it's beautiful messy amazing relatives, and I also love realizing I'm behind on deadlines and owe people readings and holing up for three days and talking to no one and emerging a productive, recharged butterfly with an empty to-do list. It's also a fact that my typing hours are limited sometimes because of joint pain, that sometimes I can go on five hours of sleep for three weeks and feel great but other times I need my eight hours and possibly a nap because I ruptured a cyst two nights ago and have been totally exhausted ever since, and that I can't be on my feet for a six hour retail shift without it knocking me out for the next four days. I am so, so lucky that I found passions and vocations that make this workable. I would never talk shit about my life. But it's really hard sometimes.

And with that, I digress: for four months I have a chance to do nothing but fundraise and create for Gadfly, to write and write and write, and to grow my business skill set and work to build my client roster so that those aspects of my life are not merely paying my bills but are allowing me to flourish, and in that flourishing help others find their voice and do the same. So this physical move that embodied so much symbolism for the full year ahead had a lot of emotion riding on it and put into it, and it went fine. I was a little disappointed by how chill it all felt. I've been to this house so many times, so leaving the crappy basement apartment Manny and I occupied longer than I've lived anywhere since early childhood was bittersweet, but the full impact of that hasn't hit me because the joy of friends like the ones who's house I'm staying in is that it just felt like going home. It's a good thing, but my emotions about it all are really complicated but also way more muted than I expected. I suspect this is frequently true for people in housing transition like this, but the complete quiet of it still took me by surprise.

Some post-moving spoils.

Then March happened in earnest, and my fucking Goddess did it happen in earnest. One goal for this year was to travel more and figure out how to make that a part of my life while still sustaining otherwise. I took a road trip to LA which you can read more about here, and I feel really good about how that fit into this year's goals and movement. I also got to catch up with some old friends, and that was significant to a year of movement for me. In the past I have had primarily unhealthy relationships where I just picked up and fled the friendship (or even the state in a few memorable instances) when it was time to "move on". This was usually the right call, but one thing catching up with great people reminded me is that when you're nurturing the right relationships in your life they get to move forward WITH you. You don't shed quality people, even if takes you awhile to realize your impact on each other and that's something I'm still learning and working on.

Then I came back from L.A. full of emotions, excitement, and exhaustion and everything else in my life hit the fan. In every aspect of my life. So while in January I prepped and planned for a year of movement, in February I physically moved, and for half of March I checked off a major goal, the latter half of March has left me with this huge question:

How do you keep moving forward when everything is falling apart?

And I don't know the answer yet, but I know I'm gonna figure it out. With Gadfly we've taken the tack of "okay, let's break down what's not working and rebuild." We're gonna pull our own Tower down and start over where some things are concerned while keeping the good stuff. That's not gonna work in my personal or emotional life though. In so many ways I don't want to get into I feel like a failure for the first time. I failed at some things this month, and that doesn't happen to me a lot. It brought every fear and insecurity boiling to the surface and I straight up shut down for a couple of days. In the grand scheme of things, two bad weeks mean nothing, but where I go from now is hugely important and I haven't made any decisions or taken any steps fully forward because I am scared of failing again. This is again totally new territory for me. It's always been my fear of success or of the unknown that have held me back, but this feeling of failure is brand new territory and I'm really baffled and upset by it.

And maybe that's the point. Maybe we can't move forward truly without some failures along the way. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning how to fail gracefully. Maybe I'm supposed to be learning to fail, period. I don't know. What I do know is I owe it to myself and the plethora of people who inexplicably believe in me to keep marching forward. So I will, somehow. I just don't really know what that looks like right now.

Until next time, Blessed be.

P.S. If you're super into queer art spaces existing, click here and help us out!

Creating Sacred Space On the Road (Or any other high pressure situation)

I recently embarked on a road trip from Minnesota to LA with my very favorite person on the planet and another very close friend to see one of our college friends (who I still absolutely adore) marry a woman who even this cold-hearted bitter single queer can see is his true love. This started off as a travel entry--how much fun I had in LA, how magickal this Pisces babe felt seeing the Pacific Ocean for the first time, the best food I ate, etc. It would've been genuine and it would've been great, but I'm exhausted. I. Am. So. Exhausted. It's not that I didn't have a great time. It was one of the best experiences of my life, but I could've taken better care of myself. I am a capital-I-Introvert, and I was with the QPP non-stop, our other friend most of the time, staying with a wonderful new friend (who had a weimaraner!), and visiting art friends and clients that moved to LA to follow their dreams. You know, on top of wedding stuff. This couldn't be avoided and I didn't WANT it to be avoided, but here's where I went a little amiss:

• I didn't write, not even in my journal, the entire time. My fingers are so itchy now to sit and write all the things and I definitely felt the pain of not documenting AND not taking the time to do for myself.
• My daily tarot practice also fell short.
• There were a few times I could've carved out an hour or two to sit and read or dip my feet into the apartment complex's pool while Manny was napping or otherwise engaged, and instead I usually flopped on my bed and stared at my phone for those times. Such a fail.

I like to think this bird is also carving out just a few moments of alone time.

Carving out and creating that time for yourself is crucial, and I'm definitely feeling the brunt of it now. I didn't totally fail at carving out that time and space for myself though. Here's some tips/tricks/indulgences I did enforce that anyone in a highly people-d situation can do.

• Never underestimate the power of grounding stones and personal talismans. Manny gifted me an amethyst point with a moonstone set in sterling silver a couple of Christmases ago and I have worn it every day since, with the exception of days I forget or days I'm giving it a three-day moon bath for cleansing. I do daily incantations for both success and grounding so on the road clutching it, taking a deep breathe, and not incanting but just feeling all the good energy I already put into it made a HUGE difference. I also took some of my favorite grounding stones, and would just pull out hematite and jet and set it on my thigh, arm, tummy, or even just held it and breathed for a few minutes.
• My last day in LA itself I did some touristy things, but then I just felt done. I sat in the apartment hot tub and read a Carson McCullers book. Manny was technically there, but we were on opposite sides and I was totally absorbed in my book and vice versa. It was only 30-40 minutes or so but it was enough to get me ready for dinner with a dear friend I hadn't seen awhile. You won't always have a hot tub, but there will always be some place you can retreat too.
• I ate well! If you've followed me for any length of time or know me at all in real life, this is an ongoing struggle for me regardless of travel. I love nothing more than good bread, ethically farmed real butter, mostly vegan food (sans salty vegan substitutes) with occasional pizza or cheese-on-my-omelette indulgences and seafood if I trust the source. However, I often find myself at the bottom of a bag of chips with no clue how I got there, or alternatively, will realize it's midnight and I'm starving because I had four grapes for breakfast and nothing else all day. I started each day with my standard cup of coffee and glass of water, because food in the morning gags me (thanks thyroid disorder!) but I'm honestly so proud of myself for lunch on every day. I ate lots of high-protein, high-fat (it's a good thing for chronically ill people), low sugar and salt food everyday. I ate every time I was hungry and stopped when I was done. This might seem so basic but when traveling it is so easy to go wild on junk food or get so busy visiting stuff you don't eat nearly enough. Furthermore, good food has a spiritual purpose to me so even with other people that first bite of to-die-for mushroom chorizo grounds me and connects me to the local place it came from.
• I stated my needs (!!!) this is an even bigger struggle for me than the food thing, and do you know what happened on a 30 hour road trip when I asked my friends if we could "just be quiet for a few minutes?" They agreed, and even seemed relieved that SOMEONE had asked for this. Y'all. Tell people what you need. Trust me on this.
• I took time for JUST the BFF and I. No, it's not introvert time, but time to blow off steam with someone you love in a beautiful city (or wherever you're visiting) is restorative. We got to experience LA shopping and walking hustle on our own, frequently striding side by side silently (the mark of true companionship) pointing out only the silliest or most moving things we saw. And we complained about the stresses of the visit. I'm not the type of new age-r who thinks complaints automatically poison your positive vibes. In fact, if you keep every annoyance, actual contention, hurt feeling, and who knows what else inside you will have a meltdown.
• AND MAYBE YOU NEED TO HAVE A MELTDOWN AND THAT'S OKAY TOO. I sat on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world and sobbed hysterically because that's what I needed to do, and then the entire rest of my day was just breathtakingly wonderful. Complaining and crying only become toxic if that's your default, your way of life, or if they hinder your ability to stay grateful. I am always grateful. I grew up with almost nothing, I've been abused and assaulted and stolen from and deeply, deeply hurt so many times and somehow I made it to a point in my life where with some careful budgeting I can take a trip to LA, buy my hosts thank you gifts, and still have money to eat with when I come back and I've gotten to a point where I can attend a friend's wedding out of state like a fucking adult and talk about my businesses in an honest but glowing way and live my life, my love, and my spirituality freely and there is not a single second of a single day where I am not overwhelmingly grateful for where I ended up and where I'm going, but all of those other things leave scars, no life is perfect, and you are not wrecking your mojo if you are 1,500 miles away from your biggest stressors and still sit on a beach crying about them. You are releasing that emotion, processing it, and that is so necessary. So have a meltdown, no matter how much fun you're supposed to be having. Just don't let those feelings wreck your whole trip--not because you owe being fun to anyone, but because if you're on a trip, you owe it to yourself to enjoy it.

I learned so much about myself and my limits on this trip, and perhaps that's the big takeaway after all. I pushed myself a little too far, and I'll be better next time, but I knew when it was time to call it on this trip and held firm, and I haven't self-advocated that well ever. I'm so beyond grateful for this trip for so many reasons, not the least of which connects to me learning even more about sacred space and time and how much I need it.

Until next time, blessed be.

My Birthday Wishes

I didn't have candles to blow out this year (which is A-ok by me. 31 + 1 for luck seems like a fire hazard), but I still did my annual birthday reading and intention setting, of course. (I also went to Duluth, so enjoy some silly pictures interspersed to keep things interesting.) In addition to a ton of personal stuff, here is what I'm putting out in the world that I want to percolate on and manifest by the time I'm 32 (and how you can help me with one big dream!) :

• This sounds so wild and out there--but I'd really like to at least be in talks about a book deal for my Queering the Tarot concept and columns.
• A nice three-bedroom space for me and the queerplatonic partner to sprawl out in, and that can more easily accommodate for both of us manifesting adult relationships and other family dreams we have.
• More road trips and travel in general--which I'm kicking off with a trip to LA in March!
• AND speaking of space, my wonderful queer, feminist theatre company, Gadfly Theatre Productions is looking for a small found space that we can turn into a 70ish seat, adaptable space for not only our own work but other queer art and art by marginalized women to thrive. We have an IndieGoGo campaign ready to go here. We're off to a bit of a slow start but have plenty of time so I know we'll get there. Still, every little bit helps, and if we meet our push goals after the $7,000 we can start discounting rentals for other artists besides what's already in our business plan, creating a truly low-cost space to create in. I am so passionate about and excited to actually enter a phase where we can share a valuable resource AND root our own work so people know where to come for radical, patriarchy-smashing queer art.

Look, it's Duluth! One of my favorite places in this entire world. Lake Superior is so soothing and restorative, and there are very few places I would have rather been on my birthday.

Beyond these four (BIG) goals, I just want to constantly be moving forward in my life right now. Last year was a huge year for personal emotional and spiritual growth. Now I want to take that into a year of action where my dreams morph into tangible goals. The Chariot card and the word "Movement"are what I'm holding in my heart for 2016. However, two days before my 31st birthday I was reading this amazing book, and there was a David Mura quote in the beginning:

“Sometimes, you’re so busy surviving, you forget you already have.”

— David Mura

I've had a ROUGH life. I don't say that to garner any sympathy, but so people understand that every single thing I do, every facet on my life, is built on the idea of surviving. I do just enough to get by, because building and growing has never seemed like an option. What if I need to pick up and run again, after all? Well after seven years in a city I love, six years running a theatre company that is the love of my life, a metaphysical store and a ton of clients supporting my tarot business, a writing job I wake up every day excited about, and a truly supportive "squad", I'm done being ready to pack up and go at a moment's notice. I have survived, and I am here to stay and make my mark in this world. (Besides, where else would I go that has this many quality coffee shops I can walk to in any given neighborhood?) I want to move forward, not away. I want to grow taller, not apart. I want to thrive, and for the first time in my life I see that as a possibility. I'm going to become more visible, and that terrifies me...

But never publishing my writing on a large scale? Never being a name in the theatre world at large? Never trusting and fully forming the non-traditional queer-as-can-be family I've always dreamed of? Those things terrify me way more, and those things deserve for my 31st year on this Earth to be one of moving towards them. 

Blessed be (and happy birthday to me!)

January is Over!

Tongue in cheek as it was, I recently blogged about getting off to a rough start on this blog. I adore having my own personal corner of the internet, different from social media, but truth be told this was a pretty brutal month for me physically, mentally, and emotionally. Just as I was recovering from a really gross, painful PCOS issue, I got the sinus infection from hell. As soon as I recovered from that, a bunch of personal stuff hit the fan (everyone's fine...now.) I ended the month getting in a minor car wreck on the way to event, hearing that someone I used to be very, very close with passed away, and with my least favorite server at a diner I frequent just to add insult to injury. Still, a lot of GREAT things happened this month too:

~I joined the cast of Patrick's Cabaret's next show, My Horrifying Love Life. I have a dream team cast and we're doing 7 plays in 15 minutes. Our show is called "Go Home, Aphrodite, You're Drunk," and we are "equally inspired by the hyper-realism of the theatre movement started by the Neo-Futurists and the complete and utter absurdity of the gay and lesbian channel on Netflix."
~Wrote some art reviews and about tarot here, and about tarot here.
~Secured really top-notch talent for Gadfly's Three-Day Celebration of Queer Art in March.
~Was a clue in a scavenger hunt!
~And of course, read for a lot of really wonderful clients. I actually added a few new probable regulars which is always the best feeling to know you've really connected with someone.

In my theoretical downtime I've been reading tons of graphic novels (read The Woods series, it's so good!), getting the queerplatonic partner caught up on The X-Files, and seeing a lot of really great theatre and art. I also had adult dreamsicle floats, entertained an out of town friend by playing Superfight, and spent way too much money at a steampunk coffee shop. The best books I read where I am Princess X by Cherie Priest which is a YA novel that was so not what I expected and so, so very good, and Portia de Rossi's Unbearable Lightness which almost broke me.

I have a very hectic, amazing February planned. I'm moving out of my cute little hobbit hole in Uptown Minneapolis and into a lovely split level townhouse in Whittier where I am dog-sitting for four months at the very end. My birthday is the 19th. (Don't let the cusp fool you. I could not be more of a Pisces,) and I have the Patrick's show the 12th and 13th. My client hours will stay relatively the same:

Eye of Horus Monday and Wednesday evenings
By appointment or email, 2-7 usually, Thurs-Sun

Appointments outside of Eye of Horus are payment due in advance, as are email readings. As for this blog, I've got an oracle deck to review, and some surprises up my sleeve, so definitely stay tuned!

Until then, Blessed Be.

Photo by http://www.melissahessephotography.com/

12 Totally Legit Reasons My Blog is Slow To Start

Hey all! I am so excited about this website and having a tarot/personal blog to go with my business. Already I've met so many awesome people who just Googled me or whatever, and I'm so pumped to see that grow! That being said, my high hopes for tarot, business, queer, and personal posts is clearly off to a crawl. Here's my list of excuses!

1. Stomach virus! Two days off work meant one million hours of catch up.

2. My other writing gigs. I love, love, love them and clearly work better on a deadline :/

3. My super rad theatre company needed me to make some hefty leadership decisions and I'm curating a three-day festival that took a couple days to get ahead on.

4. An influx of beautiful, wonderful clients.

5. Dog-sitting has me up and down at weird hours.

6. I'm dog-sitting. They have CABLE and a JACUZZI you guys.

7. Depression. Why lie?

8. I would say writer's block but the real reason is procrastination. I have TONS of ideas.

9. Mercury Retrograde.

10. I'm truly, very upset by the U.S. GOP Presidential race. Like "need to cover up with a blanket and hide forever" upset.

11. I forgot my password.

12. Fear of success. Or failure. Or both.

SO there you have it--12 extremely legitimate reasons why I haven't blogged since Christmas, and the actually useful info that I'm back now. Let me know if there's anything you want me to cover, queer tarot witch wise or just in general. 

Blessed be, and thanks for your patience as I get used to even having this thing.

Welcome to My Tarot World!

Good Evening all--I am so excited to have this website up and running thanks to my friends at Wedge Tech. I'm not quite sure how to do a first blog without it sounding and weird and clunky or overexcited, so I'll just tell you a few things about myself and hope for the best.

In addition to being a professional tarot reader, I run a queer, feminist theatre company here in Minneapolis, MN where I live. I'm a professional writer (in spite of what this post may have you believe), and I do some storytelling and various performance art as a form of that as well. I'm a Pagan, an activist, and a coffee fiend. I have a regular gig that I love, reading a few days a week at The Eye of Horus. I live with what they call "moderate to severe" rheumatoid arthritis, severe polycystic ovarian syndrome, and post-traumatic stress disorder that usually manifests as generalized anxiety disorder. I'm mostly vegan, by which I mean I try. I'm fat and I'm fine with it. (Really! Most of the time. Nobody's perfect.) I love my cats, love to travel, and have a very close-knit group of mostly (but not exclusively) queer friends, and am queer as hell myself. I'm a pretty geeky, usually femme-presenting, and a touch bohemian in style and lifestyle. I will read almost anything you set in front of me, especially if it touches on anything else I mentioned. I'm single and don't love it, but prioritize my businesses, my health, and my framily (friends + family + those who I consider both) over stressing about it.

I bring all of this up primarily because any of it could show up on this blog, and because I love when bloggers go off brand slightly and talk about who they are and what they love, so I'm hoping you do too. This blog will mostly be about divination, Paganism, and my life as a tarot reader, writer, artist, and solopreneur, but everything else I mentioned colors my life pretty deeply and may show up.

For an intro to my tarot writing, check out thecolu.mn where I am a tarot and arts writer, and Little Red Tarot which reprints my Queering the Tarot series. That series is one of my favorite things I have ever done/am doing, and you'll see reprints here as well. I do daily readings on instagram. I have a Facebook page.

In the meantime, blessed be! Feel free to write me a comment or message about what you're looking forward to or hope to see on this blog.