Return of the Blog + A Radical Patreon Launch

Dearest Readers,

As you may know, I bonked my head pretty badly all the way back in January and had to put this blog, my work in theatre, and a number of other things on hold. As I’ve recovered, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the process of making art and writing and being a witch in the real world.

I’ve learned that sometimes your physical health has to come first. I know as much as I blog about mental and physical illness it may seem weird that I didn’t know that. I knew it on some intellectual level, but I was still running myself ragged and just adding time and energy consuming body-care tasks to my ever growing list of things to do. That’s not prioritizing your health. I get it now.

I’ve learned that I absolutely love theatre and that sometimes you need time to take a breathe and see a bunch of shows, read a lot of blogs, and think about your craft and what you want from it before you dive in and try to get all fiesty and creative.

I’ve learned that being a witch means it’s okay and even profound to learn to harness “darker energies” and to ask for selfish things (like personal healing from a traumatic brain injury or you know, whatever). I have always felt a call to dead people and underworld energies that I was so afraid to call my own. I’m not afraid anymore.

I’ve learned that I hate organizing anything that isn’t art. Like. Hate it. I want there to be voices and spaces for emerging tarot readers and witches, but I don’t need to kill myself to create that. I have lots to give and offer without taking on a role that no longer suits me (and perhaps never did).

I’ve learned to expect the unexpected when it comes to who is there for me and who isn’t. People I thought were my soul mate friends disappeared, and people I was on the fence about keeping in my life have come through in more ways than I could ever list here. I have no anger or bitterness in my heart for those that aren’t here now but I have learned to trust my gods that there will always be people in my corner, even if they aren’t the people I expected. I think that was supposed to be my lesson for literal years, but now it has finally hit home.

I think maybe I’ve actually learned how to prioritize. Which has unexpectedly helped everything from my work load to my eating disorder. This is never a perfect art though, so I really hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot by speaking to it!

I’ve learned that my lifestyle before this injury was completely unsustainable. I was working too, too much without ever really getting anything of value done. I was terrified of spending money to delegate out, in large part because I don’t have any. I was terrified to work less because what would I even DO? How would I even fill that time? I was terrified to go easy on myself because my identity is so wrapped up in “art, witch, Type A” that I was afraid of a total loss of identity. I needed to learn this maybe most of all. I was exhausted for literal years before this, even as I stuck to my guns on sleeping eight hours a night and drinking a whole lot of water. Honestly, even as I get back to myself, I still feel exhausted when I think about jumping into any semblance of my old life.

Which brings me to the point of this whole post. I’m starting a Patreon soon, and I’m really, really excited about it. It’s community style so even at the $1 level you will get full benefits. This will allow me to donate to causes I care about and people in my community who really need it. It will also allow me to work on the work I am best at and most passionate about. Hopefully I will soar past my first goal and be able to buy some decent recording and editing equipment so I can bring you podcasts and video content about tarot, the occult, art and my queer, chronically ill life as it pertains to all of the above.

As part of this Patreon, I am emphasizing my work to make tarot accessible-not only in content by exploring what the tarot has to say to marginalized people or others who have trouble relating to it, but even in price and the ability to learn easily and cheaply. That means a return to this blog in addition to Patron only writing. This blog and creating theatre work have been the two things I’ve missed the most this year. My theatre life is making a slow, scheduled return that I’m sure you’ll hear all about in coming months.

The blog I am thrilled to bring back as well. I’ve had almost whole year to dream up spells, funny stories, and tarot spreads and knowledge for you. I’ve had almost a whole year to miss you all so much and am so eager to come back.

Thank you so much for rejoining me on this journey. I will absolutely post when my Patreon goes live—and I’ll be posting pretty regularly from now on.

In the meantime, Blessed Be!

Hell Yes or No, Thanks: Some Musings + A Spread for Clarity

*Please note, cats are not relevant. Just adorable.

I read an obscene amount of, well, everything. Books, blogs, news, cereal boxes. I say this to say that I take in a HUGE amount of information, and yes, many of those are self-help books, business advice blogs, or all of the above directly related to the metaphysical, writing itself, or theatre. Yet for as well-read on the subject of success as I am, there are countless days that no matter how many times by how many important people I am told to do certain things (IE traditional networking, refusing to barter, or applying for every opportunity) that I just can not bring myself to do things the "right way". Maybe it's because the corporation who runs a giving foundation's ethics are far and away from what my grassroots theatre company believes in. Maybe it's because undercutting my competition AND setting prices inaccessibly feel equally icky to me. Or maybe it's because I'm rocking this three-or-more chronic illness life the best way I know how and I can not physically be "out there" as much as recommended. Or maybe it's because all of us are bombarded every day with a million choices of all sizes, and as much as we'd like to, saying yes to all of them is overwhelming at best and dangerous to ourselves at worst.

Still, even in forgoing a lot of advice, I live in a beautiful three bedroom apartment in an evolving part of a substantial mid-sized city with two spoiled cats and all the gourmet coffee I can handle. This is all paid for by my tarot and writing (and occasionally my art) even though I do not do every "right" thing and yes, actively choose to do things the "wrong" way sometimes. Everything I do at this stage of my life is incredibly intentional. I know firsthand how easy it is to just get in the habit of saying yes, and until I started really doing these gut checks we're about to talk about, I too ended up embarking on even major projects or ventures that I had no real desire to be in. I've known many people who've spent years saving up for something only to realize they didn't even want it that bad. Or who built a career and realized they hated their daily routine even if they loved their field. Or who looked at their calendar and realized they've been sleeping with someone who bores them out of their mind for eight months. (!!!)

Like anything else, there's a million different ways to address these various crossroads, and my way may not work for you at all. When I work with clients, however, and when I'm at a crux myself, I navigate all of these decisions from innocuous social life dilemmas to major life changes with two painfully simple questions. These are, in my experience, the ONLY questions most need to ask themselves when faced with basically any choice.  Before we start looking at that though, decision making usually requires getting into a good headspace first. I rarely recommend making decisions in the heat of the moment unless you are 1000% sure of the upcoming questions (though that does happen) immediately. So instead of pushing yourself to decide right then, wait until your next batch of meditation/prayer/solo time,  and take several deep, calming breaths. Clear your mind completely. If you need to light incense, pull your cat into your lap, or cover yourself in Florida Water, do that. Once calm, think about the choice or opportunity in front of you. Then ask yourself these two questions--and only these two questions.

"First of all, is this opportunity even possible?" This question is so simple but often goes unchecked. When anything comes your way and you're interested enough to consider it though, this is a necessary step. "Can I do this?" HOWEVER, it is so so crucial that we do not confuse that for either "Can I do this easily?" OR "If I rearrange my whole life including everything that's important to me, is this technically possible?" This step can and should include your emotional and spiritual reality, and shouldn't drain your savings (unless you're really, really okay with that) or uproot everything you hold sacred. Sometimes you can't say yes, as rad as it would be, and it's best to just quit here and not get ahead of yourself. Do I have whims where I think "sell all your name brand clothes and move to a shack in the desert and read tarot on a Pay What You Can basis?" Of course I do. Can I actually do that without losing the things most important to me or with everything going on with my health? Um, no. So I indulge the fantasy for a bit, and move on. Alternatively, my theatre company reached an impasse about the best way to grow last fall when the issue of securing our own venue came up. It was a big change, but with some creative restructing and a hard commitment to marketing rentals when we weren't using the space, we realized this could be done, and we're much happier now than we were two years ago.

If you get through that step and it turns out you CAN do the thing that's been suggested or offered to you, the next question is even more obvious, but we do so, so often getting bogged down in habit or people-pleasing. The next (and final) question is, of course, "Do I WANT to do this?" Clients are often shocked at how quickly they don't even need the cards to make the decision if I start by questioning their own desires or motives towards a choice. Usually when you quietly, earnestly ask yourself if you WANT to do the thing, the answer comes screaming into your gut with a pretty fierce strength. In the above examples, no, I don't actually want to give up coffee shops on every corner for that quiet (and hot) of a life. But I did desperately want a home for my theatre company to root in. I didn't realize how much I wanted that until I asked if I wanted it. That check in brought into fruition wants, needs, and determination I didn't even know I had, making it one of the most formative things I did last year.

What about the times you get stuck though? What if you know you truly, desperately need this opportunity but it really doesn't seem possible? Or what if you don't actually know what the question is--you know your business needs to evolve in some way but you aren't sure what that looks like? And of course, what if you have absolutely no actual idea if you can do or even want this? That's is, as it so often is, where the tarot comes in.

                         *Featuring the Modern Spellcaster's Tarot from Llewellyn.*

This a really simple spread that can be adjusted to be more specific. In this case, let's look at a sample question that has no bearing on my life right now, so I'm not inclined to overpersonalize things. Our sample question is: "Should I spend the money/time/energy to take this class?"

The first row is the "CAN I" row. The first card is "As it stands now, can I take this class?" The Devil is a rough one to get right out of the gate. Traditional tellings would say no, this class is a distraction or a temptation. If you read the queer/modern/non-Christian version of the Devil though, it could be a necessary indulgence. It could throw you off your immediate track temporarily, but that's likely a good thing. So the rest of this row becomes important. The middle card shows us what needs to change or move to make the thing possible. You WILL get cards that show heartbreak or negativity here, in which case across the board this is likely a no. In our sample case though, we got the King of Cups. Things actually can be moved in the direction of you taking this hypothetical class. In this case, you might need to actually speak with or reach out to someone who has taken the class who cares about and supports you, or you might need to reach out to the instructor if there are any bureaucratic issues with getting into the class. In any case, dig deep and find your own creative prowess and love of the subject--that's what's going to make the difference. The last card in this row, that Page of Cups, shows what's already working in favor of you making this choice. In this case, a base knowledge, a love of the subject, and an encouragement towards indulgence all give you something to grab on to should you move forward.

The second row is the "Do I want this?" row. Again, we start with a basic yes/or no for the first card. With the Queen of Cups there's a definite argument that you've actually wanted this for awhile, but are trying to play it cool and not get your heart set on it. The middle card shows us why you're having some blocks understanding your desires. The three of cups shows us that you might've been let down by group settings before, or that you might often deny yourself happiness or growth or camaraderie in this area of your life. The third card in this row shows us what you truly want. This is the heart of why you're considering this. It shows a desire not being nurtured. In this case, the Queen of Wands, there's a true passion for whatever subject the class is in, and a need to do something independent of your squad/partner/kids. This card is crucial because if at the end of this spread your answer is no, THIS card tells you where to go and what you need to pull into your life.

That final card on the side shows the final word on the matter. This is the make or break card, that sums up whether you should do the thing at hand. Obviously with a King of Pentacles here this non-existent class is a loud, clamorous, resounding yes--and the card has it's own reasons (Invest in yourself! Root in your community! Master a thing!) but it also takes everything else in the spread into account.

At the end of this entire process--whether you needed the spread or not, you should be left with one of two options: a hearty "hell yes" that gets your eyes big and your heart racing, or a polite but firm "no, thanks though." I live my entire life by this philosophy, and it's how I manage multiple careers that I love, a solid social life in spite of being deeply introverted and socially anxious, and a profound love of free-spiritedness and life itself. I get stuck though, and know we all do--so use the hell out of this spread (but please credit me if you write about it or repost) and feel free to let me know how any of your crossroads shake out when you do!

Blessed be, y'all!

We Are All Fledglings Now

Some of this you've already seen if you follow me on Instagram, but as I continue on my path learning the Slow Holler tarot, and as things around us seemingly dissolve into Chaos, I am pulling the Fledgling much more than I ever pull the Fool, and much more than I did when I first got the deck.

First though, about the Slow Holler: this is a deeply spiritual tarot deck, rooted in Southern and queer identity, and I've truly relished my time getting to know it. It was collaboratively drawn and written by several different artists, and it takes me right back to my early days of tarot and witchery when there was this constant sense of spiritual power right underneath my feet. It's also deeply concerned and enlightening regarding two other things that have shaped the very core of who I am: trauma, and the fight for the collective. Grab your copy here. It's so, so worth it.

As this card starting coming up with unusual frequency for me, my initial thoughts were as such: the Fledgling is the Slow Holler's take on the classic Fool card, but a fledgling is not the same as a fool. They are both starting journeys, but whereas the Fool's optimism comes from a sense of naivety or a childlike fearlessness, the Fledgling's cautious optimism comes because they know that while now is a time for bravery, it doesn't mean you won't fail. It simply means you will find your feet again if you do and grow from there. The Fledgling does a lot more feeling for firm ground and a lot less running towards cliffs, but they still charge ahead into the unknown. The Fool is starting a journey and the Fledgling is starting something more. We don't know what yet. The Fledgling doesn't know what yet. But as the events of this week plunge us equally into determination and uncertainty, there is no clearer metaphor for the role of an activist right now. You will flounder, and you will not be sure, and you may lose. But you will regroup, and you will get your land legs back, and you will do great things again.

It feels like the lessons of the Fledgling were clear to me. Take chances. I am learning the lay of a new land, so be careful, but be brave. The card keeps coming up and keeps coming back to me though, and today as I pulled it even for my daily draw on my Instagram it finally hit me. The world at large is the priority right now, but it's not the only thing that exists. Our microcosms are still here, supporting us, loving us, empowering us. Yet in our daily lives, we still hold back. If there was ever a time to not though--this is it. What if instead of keeping your creative power tightly wrapped around your intellect you completely unfurled it and let it take over your current project? What if instead of finishing your routine to-do list you took two days a week to scrap it to work the big, scary projects instead? What if instead of keeping our heart so tightly in your chest you said "screw what everyone else thinks," ripped it out and let it bleed your power and love all over everyone you care about? We don't know what tomorrow's going to look like anymore--and maybe there's a lesson here in how we never really did. So why wait? Why hold back? Why sit and wonder and wish instead of doing? We are coming back from marches and meetings so on fire--use that. Use it. Use it. Use it.

The Fledgling wants us to be an activist, an advocate, an ally, to be as queer and brazen as we have it in us to be right now, but everyone I know is doing that. I have seen an outpour of collective action that I never anticipated, people who argued with me about marches inviting me to them now, and that's amazing. That's wonderful.  The Fledgling has more to say though, because this is a new world, and everything we know is upside down. Yet, for now, at least, life still goes on. What does it mean to work and create in this new world? And my god, can you imagine what love could be in this new world? The Fledgling is screaming at us to let go, let loose, right now, and find out. Because if we let go and spread these wings we think are so small, we just might find out how close we are to flying.

Blessed be.