Hello friends & tarot lovers,
Back in February I made a promise to myself and set an intention to get back in touch with my Pisces soul. I knew it was still in there, lurking, occasionally forcing up hiccups of emotion but never really screaming to the surface. I am always me to an extent, but too much emotion wasted on the wrong people had buried this most essential part of me and after time to heal and breathe...I missed that me. I missed feeling sensual in my sheets in the morning because it was morning and I was there. I missed feeling truly connected with friends and partners when we snuggled or held each other. I missed being able to cry, sob, and freak out when I was upset. I missed feeling truly happy, joyful, connected during late night conversations or when witnessing brilliant art.
So I made a water altar, and I've been loyal to it. I've forced myself to start journaling a certain amount of pages every 2-3 days (and they can't be business notes). I've tried to take a deep breathe and really be IN the moment when the time calls for it. I'm a better tarot reader than I was. I'm a more emotional, clingy, weird friend and family member than I was but no one has complained (quite the opposite, in fact). I have ideas for storytelling and personal stories to pitch to various outlets. I have so many ideas for the next show I'm directing.
And yet...I wasn't prepared for the feelings of overwhelm and sadness that come with bad situations. My empathy guard falling has made me a better friend but I am kind of a mess some days. I know it's time now to strive for balance. What originally made me feel good and inspired and like ME again has made me have several days over the past few weeks of unfocused, scattered energy, irritability, and deep feelings of loss even when no real loss has occurred. Pisces me is here and restored and feelin' stuff. But I have to be able to work and function.
I didn't take neuroatypicality into account when I set my intention. I didn't expect my Pisces soul floating to the surface to inspire my PTSD and anxiety to have their way with me. This was a magickal error on my part, having missed something I tell clients all the time: make your intentions crystal clear with no room for error. I like being sad, crying, and overanalyzing what went wrong in real time when something is wrong. I don't like a normal day completely knocking me off my feet. I don't like the outrage I felt at a slightly frustrating day yesterday. I don't like feeling completely isolated because the people I love aren't available right at the very moment I thought company might be nice, but I do so love my renewed and deepened love of those relationships.
As usual when at a loss, I turned to the tarot for guidance and answers:
The Slow Holler Tarot essentially confirms everything I just said, but like I tell clients: if this is not new information, it allows you to focus and cut out anything not mentioned here. So if I take the card's advice on enacting my vision more clearly, the problems with empathy and isolation will fall away on their own. My whole spread promises water stuff is good, heart stuff is great. I should be loving and celebrating and rejoicing in my rediscovered Pisces energy. The dissenting card is this Visionary of Knives--a stark and necessry reminder that I am all of the things a Pisces is...but I am also grounded, ambitious, and rooted by a deep need to create something big and bold for my community. Finding balance is about remembering my goals and placing them on the same pedestal as I do my heart and its needs. I love this top row. It is affirming it and just seeing it helps me blend the things I'm going through into something viable. This deck can be verbose and challenging when that is what I need. It can also be succint and affirming when all I need is permission.
It is the outgoing message though that surprised me and that I write all of this to deliver to you: Growth is slow, and takes time. It might hurt in the meantime. It will probably cause a hundred different areas of your life to throb and glow at once. This time will pass, and it will have been worth it. Keep growing.
Blessed be y'all!