Photo by Janet Nguyen
Hello beautiful blog readers,
Many of you know and are following me from way back when I was a regular blogger both here and at Little Red Tarot. I absolutely love sharing information on tarot, witchcraft, creativity and whatever else I think people will want to read from me. I also absolutely love the personal storytelling aspects of any of the writing I do (and most of the writing I love the most). Nonetheless, after my steady arts writing gig and Little Red archived in the same month, I shuddered my blog around the same time. I moved free CoNtEnT to Instagram & Twitter. I moved longer form tarot & witchy writing to Patreon. I stopped telling my own stories outside of my books. As I'm reviving this blog I want to address the reasons I stopped blogging in the first place, namely personal burnout and imposter syndrome linked to my Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Avoidant Personality Disorder.
Burnout is a huge thing for solopreneurs in all fields. Even with the communities and support I have, losing two writing gigs I loved so much was really hard no matter how deeply I understood the reasons for it. Those projects ended for reasons that came down to burnout for so many other people and as I was listening to those people tell their stories and list their reasons I realized I was burning out too. Fast. At the same time, I was in talks for one of the best opportunities of my life: my book deal with Weiser which turned into one and then two books! I was running my theatre company, reading roughly 20 hours a week for clients and dealing with the loss and grief of these writing and blogging opportunities that I loved so much. This is on top of being chronically ill and having a full life outside of work. A bunch of other things happened too. My TBI. Vaginismus treatment (which I'm only not in because of the pandemic but will be picking up again soon). A complete shift and heartbreak in my personal life that still devastates me to bring up or remember. It was honestly so much. Some things had to go, and unfortunately blogging was one of them.
This is in large part because of the biggest reason I put the blog on hold: I legitimately didn't think anyone cared about it or about what I had to say. I felt like if it wasn't fresh, original, groundbreaking tarot writing like my work on Queering the Tarot that no one would like it. I felt like I was too stupid or would come across like I was stupid if I were to dive deeper into Tarot theory or the cross-sections of activism, creative work, my actual life and this work on tarot & witchcraft. No one did anything specific that made me feel this way, not even indirectly. So many of my friends read my blog, then reached out and that’s how we became friends. My book deal came from my blogging. Other bloggers liked me. I really have no explanation for the way my imposter syndrome flared up and became so overwhelming that I just...quit except for the obvious: my mental health needed me to take a break. Badly.
I have written ad nauseum and been very upfront about the fact that I have C-PTSD, PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Persistent Depressive Disorder & Avoidant Personality Disorder. I am an open book about it until I'm not. When something is really bugging me or bringing me down, I clam up. I don't tell anyone. I'm working on that fear of showing vulnerability, and I mean really working on it. To digress a bit though, when I was blogging so much before and not taking stock of my mental and emotional health these feelings of inadequacy flared up over and over until they just overwhelmed and consumed me. I wish they hadn't. I think if I'd talked to some blogger friends, they wouldn't have. Instead, I pulled a Cassandra and just unplugged my entire blog and told no one the real reason. There are some financial aspects I plan on getting into in a later blog, but at the end of the day even those financial aspects came down to me not checking in with myself about my mental health. This is the truth: I quit blogging because I didn't think my words deserved to be read. I quit blogging because I was scared to ask for feedback or support. I quit blogging because of fear and insecurity. Plain and simple, and I have my bevy of mental illnesses to thank.
A picture of my cat to break up all this text. Enjoy!
So why am I back, knowing how blogging made me feel before? For starters I've been doing A LOT of work in therapy & in my spirituality. I feel confident about the things I want to write for you in this space now, and I know how to use my tools or rely on friends in the field with me should that stop being true. My physical health has also improved which I never expected! It turns out that "mystery stomach plague" was a combination of diverticulitis & a GIANT gallstone (seriously, 8 CM) and it's amazing how much more capacity you have when you can eat food normally and aren't walking around feeling like a medical oddity. The gallstone is gone. The diverticulitis is at bay until I screw up and eat some nuts or seeds. I am disabled and chronically ill so I still have to be careful with my energy and how I spend it but I am a lot better in some ways. I am certainly well enough to get back to blogging as a function of my business that I loved so deeply.
Because I do love blogging. I really missed it. I love blogs. I love blog community. I love sharing information. I love writing. I’m happy to revive this blog. This blog isn’t monetized, and if you want to support the writing or information I’ll be sharing Patreon is the way to go. Patrons from Patreon also get Patreon only writings, tip sheets and exclusive offers (like snail mail readings) as well as first dibs when I open up readings, classes, etc. Otherwise reading & sharing this blog is totally rad, and I’m excited to share my little corner of the internet with you yet again.
Notably, and on the subject of money, Patreon is a big reason I am back. The way my Patrons respond to my writing there has helped bestow me with new confidence, and of course now I feel like I’m being paid to blog as well as contribute to that Patreon. I also am VERY reliable on Patreon though with clearly outlined exceptions, and I promised at the $500 mark I’d start a podcast or something like that. That is still my plan, but I’m still learning and studying the ins and outs of it so it’s good. In the meantime, I’m happy to share info & write here on the blog as well as on my Instagram and Twitter.
