Your (Apparently Seasonal) Update Featuring: A Brain Injury!
Spring has finally sprung in Minnesota and this blog is still on semi-hiatus for totally, totally unexpected reasons. There are some things in life we just can’t prepare for, no matter how hard working, supported, and centered we are. 2018 has not been kind to me or mine. There are a lot of terrible, heartbreaking stories of people very, very close to me that aren’t mine to tell. So I won’t.
What I will tell you is that in late January, I slipped on the ice during a walk down Main Street, and hit my head. It was a pretty big bang and I was immediately sick to my stomach, but decided to just go home and try not to throw up. That sick feeling turned out to be a concussion that I refused to slow down for, so it became post-concussion syndrome. Heck. This is and is treated like a mild TBI. My vision went from “perfect” to “here, have some tinted bifocals.” My energy has been so easy to zap for months. I get headaches like I never have before. The most hilarious problem (because I have a weird sense of humor) is that my eyes no longer properly communicate with my brain. This means they don’t relax and contract the way they’re supposed to without me saying to them “Hey, eyes, do thing.” It’s a mess.
I’m lucky though. I’ve had little to no cognitive impairments outside of that. I’m healing slowly but surely. Healing from a brain injury is weird because you’ll wake up and realize you feel tons better (but still have symptoms) and then nothing for weeks at a time. It comes in fits and starts and I’m not used to that. Healing is never linear but this is such a strange experience.
I’m still struggling emotionally regarding this injury. Some of that is because of the nature of the injury itself. My ability to control my emotions was fairly uninhibited at first. That becomes habit after awhile. A lot of it though is that I am different now. It’s hard being in hours of TBI therapy a week (though I am so, so grateful for my care team). It’s hard being dependent on other people. I’ve worked my whole life to be so independent, and then I spent a long time learning to be interdependent due to both my politics and personal/emotional leanings. That was an important process for me, but I was still on it when this happened and I was forced to ask for more care than I could give to others. I know nothing is perfect and we all move in cycles. Already I am back to a huge output of emotional labor for people I love, which I genuinely love doing. This is a sign of healing and a sign that I am still me. I still hate asking for so many rides (among many other things.)
In spite of everything that’s been going on, I have some really wonderful career updates to report!
My Queering the Tarot manuscript is in to Red Wheel/Weiser publishing and I absolutely love the feedback I’ve been getting. I am so, so excited to reveal who is doing the foreword (you won’t be surprised but you’ll still be excited) and which tarot deck is illustrating when the time is right. This whole project has pushed me as a tarot reader, a writer, and a storyteller and I’m really pleased with what is coming together.
In the meantime, you can catch the Queering the Tarot series here and here still. I’m doing a monthly self-care tarot for Take Your Pills, a mental illness blog that is as funny as it is informative. I’m also featured in Northern Lights Witch’s Embodied Tarot e-zine, a really lovely collection of spreads about making peace with your body. I’ve got a Gender Dysphoria spread and a spread for Managing Chronic Pain designed for your. You can grab a copy here!
I’ve got some Tarot classes coming up at The Future that I absolutely love doing. Tarot 101 for Creatives is back on the 24th. This one I’ve updated; I mostly get good feedback on it, but I did hear those of you who were concerned that it wasn’t quite a 101 class so we’re starting a little easier but still building to the same place. On the 31st I’ve got a Sex and Tarot class all about using the tarot to find our own sexual story and voice and come into your own joyful sluttiness. Then on June 14th, you can come bring in Pride with me and Queering the Tarot! These classes are all $35, but sliding scale starts at $15. Check this page of my website to find out more about my teaching and how to set up a class at your organization!
I am running normal tarot rates and hours otherwise; e-mail to set up an in person appointment in the Twin Cities from 1-6 Thurs-Saturday, or come down to Eye of Horus Sundays from 11:30-6 or Wednesdays from 3-9! I’ve also got my online tarot store for e-mail readings running on it’s usual schedule.
In the end, I am learning from this brain injury.
In spite of all my woo, I don’t think everything happens for a reason. I think I was being careless in a spot with too much black ice, and well, now here we are. I feel intuitively that there is no greater purpose to what this head injury is. However, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from bad things. We might as well find growth in the hard times, because they aren’t going to get less hard no matter what we do. We might as well laugh when it’s all falling down, because it’s coming down anyway. So I am still myself, just muted. I am learning to find peace in the quiet. I am learning to listen more than I talk for probably for the first time. I am learning that self-care is a practice and not a buzzword, and that sometimes it is hard, arduous work. I am learning that sometimes self-care is the heartbreak of not being able to do anything else.
All of that being said, I am at a good place with the injury itself, and I am coping emotionally as well as can be expected I think. I have slunk in and out of survivor mode as necessary, but for the most part I am present. I am ready to pick my life up again, but I know it’s going to be a slow and tedious process. I also know that it is going to be so worth it to take my time and really heal. I know I am going to feel stronger than ever, reborn and new. I am just so ready for that now.
Thank YOU for reading this novel I wrote, and for supporting me in my ongoing tarot journey. I look forward to seeing you,chatting or reading for you soon.