Self-care,Paganism

A Year of Heart: My Hopes, Not Goals For the Upcoming Year

Tonight is the night, y’all. Midnight is going to strike and 2018 is DONE. I am elated, really I am. Mostly what I feel though, is tired. I am so, so tired.

For me 2018 was a year of a mild traumatic brain injury that it took me the bulk of the year to heal from, and heal is a weird word because I still get symptoms if I get sleepy or overwhelmed. My memory is not what it used to be. I am so, so, so much better than I was throughout spring and summer. I am so lucky that my brain injury was only what it was. I am still someone coping with a brain injury.

2018 was a year where I had my heart broken platonically, where some of the people closest to me were traumatized and went through really trying life experiences and transitions. This is a year that is even ending in injury and illness for some of the people closest to me.

This only scratches the surface. One of my business lives almost fell apart. There are stories that are awful that I am deeply embedded in but are not mine to tell. It is a year that I took a step backward financially (thanks to said brain injury) for the first time since I started full-time self-employment. I am ending the year back under the poverty line and that hurts given how hard I’ve worked through it all.

I am sure that I have learned lessons. I am sure that there are things I have gained. I am so grateful for the things and relationships I do have and that is always true. Normally though, at the end of the year, I do this great program and I revel in my success and reframe my failures. I think about what I learned and where I want to go. I write it all down, and I blog a lot of it. This year though, every time I’ve looked at that great journaling program and written down more goals beyond “produce plays, sell books” I have panicked. I’m not ready. I still need to take things slow. I still need to recalibrate. I am not done healing.

I am not done resting. Not even close. This is the hardest part for me. My last two years of college I slept maybe four hours a night. I had a full load of classes, directed and stage managed plays, celebrated Sabbats with the few other Pagans on campus, and pulled a struggling GPA from my previous school into a 3.7 GPA. I had two jobs and an additional one in the summer too. While sick. I graduated a decade ago and until my brain injury I kept that schedule except added in extra hours of sleep and doctor’s appointments instead of classes. Basically the only thing that changed was I slept more and I called that rest, and a reasonable schedule, and healthy. Maybe it was then. It’s not now. Some people thrive on being busy. I don’t. I write better, read better, create better when I am not running from place to place to place. It took a brain injury to teach me that. I’m sure that’s the lesson. I don’t care. I’m still bitter when I should be grateful.

This is not a normal mindset for me, and it’s been really hard to deal with myself in this process. In my life I have dealt with multiple sexual assaults, Lifetime movie worthy toxic friendships, and the trauma I endured in my upbringing with nothing but hope and love and gratitude in my heart for the things I did have. I have been oppressed because of my gender, my weight, my sexual identity, my health, and poverty and that only made me more determined to create safer spaces and try to make change for others going through the same thing. These things, for all of the horrors that they were (and I would not wish any of them on anyone) did not crush my spirit. My heart remained at the center of everything I did for my entire life. Until now.

My heart is not in anything I have done this year. I don’t know why. I’m not really even interested in finding out why, except to say that I want it back. In spite of my aversion to Unraveling My Year, I did still pull some tarot cards for next year. When I asked what my Word of the Year should be, I pulled the Ace of Vessels. Then, I started sobbing. For the first time in months I let myself mourn. The cards were promising my Double Pisces, Cancer rising butt that I would find me again in 2019, and that made it safe to cry and feel now. I am so sad that I worked so hard and this year made me feel like all of it was for nothing. I am so sad, and I am so tired.

Yet even as I type that I am preparing for a rehearsal process for a dream show and a book release in 2019. Obviously there were gains. I want to be there for them, not only in body but in mind, spirit, and HEART too. 33 is a coming of age year for a lot of people as they settle into what being in their 30’s means. I wasn’t here, wasn’t in myself and yet I can feel that I have changed in positive ways too. I hope to be present and accounted for for any changes or growth that 34 brings. I hope to love again and laugh again and mean it this time. I hope that that Ace of Vessels comes true. I hope that not only do I find myself again, but I find my heart along the way.

Yule is Coming! Prep time is NOW!

Not my own photo! Provided by Unsplash through Squarespace.

Not my own photo! Provided by Unsplash through Squarespace.

The time of one of my favorite Sabbats is almost upon us! Yule and the December holiday season make me so grateful for snow, coffee, and my loved ones. While I love all of the Sabbats, Yule season is particularly meaningful to me especially when I incorporate what people of all faiths celebrate throughout the holiday season.

Secular Christmas is about gift giving and time with loved ones.

Christmas proper is about the birth of a savior.

Hannukkah is a celebration of light as well as miracles.

Yule is, for some people, a celebration of light returning. For others it's about taking stock of what your harvests for the year looked like. 

It stands to reason then that as we think about light and saviors and gifts and miracles this month, we should also be thinking about what we harvest regularly, how we use those resources, and what we're doing to ensure our continued success. Some simple spiritual things you can do over the next few weeks to focus on ALL of the themes I touched on and usher in your best holiday season yet include:

  •  Meditation on what each of the aforementioned subjects means to you.

    • A focused meditation on light can bring you more brightness than you ever imagined.

    • A meditation zeroing in on gifts can tune you in to your law of attraction and boost your ability to manifest.

    • Deep breathing and prayer to any saviors you believe in can comfort you as you things get wet, dark, and cold.

    • Finally, really working through what your harvests looked like for the year can rededicate you to your work and enable you thrive in the new year.

  • Decorating your sacred space (home, altar, car dashboard) with cross cultural winter symbols like snow, pine cones, and cranberries which all bring their own reminders and messages for the season. 

    • Snow represents cleansing or coming to peace with darkness, though for me personally it represents fun and cool air.

    • Pine cones correlate to pine trees which can represent longevity and the joy in solitude. Some believe they represent our hopes and fears for the new year too. Wishing spells where you roll up tiny scrolls with your wishes scrawled on them and place them in between the cone sheaths are common this time of year.

    • Cranberries can correspond with our love lives and help us amplify the good and loving vibes of the holiday season.

  • Cranberry and peppermint teas will inspire you spiritually through the holiday season. (Peppermint works for almost any magick you’re trying to weave and can soothe our tummies if we overindulge on holiday food.)

  • For those who are more metaphysically or witch inclined, a great gift to make for a friend or yourself is a prosperity ornament focused on sustainability. 

    • Take an empty glass ball ornament, and fill it with things that will represent and inspire sustenance. A friend gave me one a couple of years ago full of green ribbon, cinnamon, basil, and pine cone pieces. I made one with dried orange peel, pine leaves, and fake snow for a friend last year. Anything that is meaningful and represents ongoing prosperity energy to BOTH of you will work.

  • Make your gift giving personal and significant this season. One year I asked everyone I knew to give me their favorite book from the past year. It was one of my favorite Christmases because I got to really peer into people’s hearts and brains + I got my reading queue packed for the following year! Don’t worry about spending a ton of money this year. Find one thing, however small, that you are sure your loved ones will love. Then find something that represents your hopes and dreams for them for 2019. Gift them both or whichever one you like best. Two small, meaningful gifts can be the hit of the season. I’ve seen it happen over and over again!

  • Find a little known tradition that really appeals to you and incorporate that into your season with a loved one. My roommate and I celebrate this every year and it has brought us so much peace the night before a big day.

It’s not exactly hip to get excited when you start hearing All I Want for Christmas Is You in every department store for the season, but I do. I have found so many ways to make the Yule season cheerful and joyous starting with this: I absolutely opt out of the traditions that stress me out. I don’t overspend. I don’t run myself ragged. I don’t let the holiday season absorb my common sense.

I DO work closely with my gods, let myself get inspired, and take the extra opportunity to show my loved ones how much I love them.

As always, feel free to leave your favorite traditions or spiritual proceedings in the comments. In the meantime,

Blessed be y’all!

The Million Dollar Questions: Where Have I Been and Where Am I Now?


Photo By Janet Nguyen Photography

Photo By Janet Nguyen Photography

Hello Dear Readers,

I promise this is not yet another blog post where I just rehash the trauma of my brain injury, because where I’ve been in 2018 is so much deeper and more nuanced than one injury (even if that injury did suck literally over half a year out of my life).

When I was blogging before, my monthly posts about everything I accomplished/did/learned (and because I believe in accountability and strength in vulnerability, everything I failed at, struggled with, and didn’t accomplish) where some of my most popular and shared pieces. As I start back up, I want to keep the same personal voice with higher quality material so here we are back at the beginning of the month and ready to roll with some updates.

spotlight.jpg

As a reminder OR as information for new readers, the reasons why I do these “month in review posts” are basically because:

  1. Even if people didn’t enjoy them, holding myself accountable for my health, my productivity, and my community is really important to me. Posting publicly what works and what doesn’t keeps me going strong.

  2. I get really overwhelmed and excited about all of the great things that exist in the world and I want to share the ones I’ve experienced with everyone and promote some great things.

  3. I absolutely love reading personal posts, listicles, and other writer’s monthly round-ups, and I figured if I love those things that much, maybe you do too. My numbers consistently showed that that was true too!

Since it’s been almost a year since I wrote last, I obviously won’t recap EVERYTHING. That would take forever, and without an intense look through my photos and social media and journal from the year I’m not sure I’d even remember them all. (Thanks, brain injury! #stillbitter)

Instead, here are some snippets from my year:

  • The biggest news of all: I finished my book! It’s coming out May 1st, 2019 and it is so queer and so personal and still (I hope!) such a great educational tool as you start or continue on your own tarot journey.

  • Little Red Tarot decided to archive, cutting short the series that led to the above book. I’ll be doing a Queering the Tarot article a month on my Patreon, which is open for wide release on Monday. I am at peace with this decision and the beauty of the site archiving on Samhain was not missed. I decided to take this as an opportunity to get back into doing things my own way for awhile, and see what exciting new opportunities that leads to this time. The archived Little Red site is here.

  • The Column has also decided to archive. I’m still struggling with that, in part because I fell absolutely in love with doing regular arts journalism and haven’t found a new outlet yet in spite of pitching and applying for a few spots. I trust my writing skills and my ability to manifest, and I have so, so much respect for my editor. The struggle is completely in “how to move on” and not any anger or frustration AT ALL. Andy Birkey worked so hard for so long and made this beautiful thing that I’ll never forget being a part of. My past arts journalism can still be found here as the website looks for their best archival options.

  • I’ve taught several tarot classes this year. Many Queering the Tarot, Tarot 101 for Creatives and Sex and Tarot as well as a Tarot for Spiritual Use and a handful of others. As a response to those classes, I’ve also got some unique workbooks and an E-Zine in my tarot shop on this website that you can check out.

  • Theatre mostly went on hold while I healed, and that’s legitimately okay. I still performed improv a few times, put together a Drunk Queer History or two, and put together an amazing Board of Directors for Gadfly. I also got a very generous grant for my dream show: [Working Title]: 60 Queer Plays in 90 Queer Minutes. That goes up in March and trust me when I say it is a freaking dream team of writers, cast, and crew so far.

  • I fulfilled a lifelong dream of performing stand-up comedy and I apparently was good at it? I was VERY bitten by that bug and while I haven’t done it since, one of my upcoming projects is to scope out other opportunities that feel safe and daring at the same time to perform at.

Same adorable cat.

Same adorable cat.

In some ways, things haven’t changed that dramatically. This was a hard year in both my personal and my medical life, and the past two months have been very trying professionally. Yet I still wake up in the bed I love so much every morning, next to my cats who I adore, in the same apartment I fell in love with two years ago. My queerplatonic partner is still my person, and some of the same people who have ALWAYS held it down for me still do. I am still doing the things I love for a living, by some God’s grace. This was a year of good-bye and of death. It was a year of huge change and very dramatic scenes. It was also a year of rest and recuperation though. Most importantly, it was still a year of love, laughter, and at times, out and out silliness. I am grateful to my core, to the deepest part of myself for these things. I feel gratitude into my bones and oozing out of my pores. I haven’t felt this in a long time, and I hate what it took to get me here. I’m here now though.

My book cover! So great!

My book cover! So great!

As I look forward:

I see my first book being released. I see my dream show going up. I see more time in this wonderful apartment with more of the people who make it and Minneapolis a home for me. I see a successful Patreon and while I don’t know where or what they will be, I do see more really great writing gigs in my future. I see some other more ambiguous ideas right now too: a podcast, more theatre, some vague ideas for adventures. I see such lovely clients and collaborators, especially at my steady gigs like the Eye of Horus, The Future, and Gadfly Theatre Productions. I’m eager to add to that roster too, but I can wait.

I’m also facing something really hard and scary in this Pagan year.

I don’t know when or if I’ll be ready to talk about it, but I will say that I have decided to seek treatment for vaginismus as well as any underlying causes for it. It’s really hard and scary and I have cried every day for the past two weeks as I wait for the right doctors to call me back. I’m keeping things close to the chest regarding writing or talking about it, at least currently. I live most of my life VERY out loud so that others will know they are not alone. I am not in a place to be of service regarding vaginismus right now though. I am not equipped practically or emotionally to answer questions or shoulder other people’s confessions. I don’t know if I could have admitted that before my brain injury. That injury has taught me so much about rest and focus on self. Maybe I’ll just need an outlet and it’ll be this blog after all. Maybe not.

In any case, that is another very important answer to the question of “Where Am I Now?” Because where I am IS hopeful, excited, and well-rested. I am also facing the realities of what happens when you have Avoidant Personality Disorder and a really painful, terrifying problem like vaginismus. Where I am is also petrified, wanting to run and hide, and kicking myself for letting my AvPD convince me to wait this long. I am so emotional about this. There’s not another way to put it. That is where I am though, and that is what I’ve been carrying as I work to build this blog and it’s readership back up.

I obviously don’t want to end on that note!

SO here’s some happier stuff that I’m super into at the moment:

Current Fave Tarot Deck: The Numinous Tarot

Currently Reading (and Loving): Calypso by David Sedaris

Currently Watching: The Good Place, Charmed, and How to Get Away With Murder most vehemently.

Current Fave Movies: The new Halloween which I LOVED and Colette which I can not and will not ever shut up about. To think I used to not like Kiera Knightley?! Honestly what was wrong with me?

Current Favorite Websites: Them is what I read most often. I also like this article about traveling while arthritic.

Current Favorite Recipe: This really easy cucumber salad: Chopped cucumbers, feta cheese (I dump like half of a crumbled brick in there but most people probably use about half of that), and Garlic Expressions salad dressing. Plus whatever else I have on hand. Handful of onions or a couple croutons or whatever is there that meshes. SO good, easy, and relatively cheap once you have a bottle of dressing on hand.

Current Music: Sparrow by Jump, Little Children (the whole dang album), and I still can’t stop with Janelle Monae’s Dirty Computer or Brandi Carlile’s By The Way, I Forgive You.

Most Recent Adventure I’m Still Raving About: This place is so much better and weirder and creepier than I ever could have imagined. I promise.

Thank you all so much for being here and sharing this time and space with me. I’ve missed you all! Please feel free to comment below with what you are up to or what you’re most excited about post-Samhain/Halloween!

Blessed be, y’all!

Return of the Blog + A Radical Patreon Launch

Dearest Readers,

As you may know, I bonked my head pretty badly all the way back in January and had to put this blog, my work in theatre, and a number of other things on hold. As I’ve recovered, I’ve learned a lot about myself and the process of making art and writing and being a witch in the real world.

I’ve learned that sometimes your physical health has to come first. I know as much as I blog about mental and physical illness it may seem weird that I didn’t know that. I knew it on some intellectual level, but I was still running myself ragged and just adding time and energy consuming body-care tasks to my ever growing list of things to do. That’s not prioritizing your health. I get it now.

I’ve learned that I absolutely love theatre and that sometimes you need time to take a breathe and see a bunch of shows, read a lot of blogs, and think about your craft and what you want from it before you dive in and try to get all fiesty and creative.

I’ve learned that being a witch means it’s okay and even profound to learn to harness “darker energies” and to ask for selfish things (like personal healing from a traumatic brain injury or you know, whatever). I have always felt a call to dead people and underworld energies that I was so afraid to call my own. I’m not afraid anymore.

I’ve learned that I hate organizing anything that isn’t art. Like. Hate it. I want there to be voices and spaces for emerging tarot readers and witches, but I don’t need to kill myself to create that. I have lots to give and offer without taking on a role that no longer suits me (and perhaps never did).

I’ve learned to expect the unexpected when it comes to who is there for me and who isn’t. People I thought were my soul mate friends disappeared, and people I was on the fence about keeping in my life have come through in more ways than I could ever list here. I have no anger or bitterness in my heart for those that aren’t here now but I have learned to trust my gods that there will always be people in my corner, even if they aren’t the people I expected. I think that was supposed to be my lesson for literal years, but now it has finally hit home.

I think maybe I’ve actually learned how to prioritize. Which has unexpectedly helped everything from my work load to my eating disorder. This is never a perfect art though, so I really hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot by speaking to it!

I’ve learned that my lifestyle before this injury was completely unsustainable. I was working too, too much without ever really getting anything of value done. I was terrified of spending money to delegate out, in large part because I don’t have any. I was terrified to work less because what would I even DO? How would I even fill that time? I was terrified to go easy on myself because my identity is so wrapped up in “art, witch, Type A” that I was afraid of a total loss of identity. I needed to learn this maybe most of all. I was exhausted for literal years before this, even as I stuck to my guns on sleeping eight hours a night and drinking a whole lot of water. Honestly, even as I get back to myself, I still feel exhausted when I think about jumping into any semblance of my old life.

Which brings me to the point of this whole post. I’m starting a Patreon soon, and I’m really, really excited about it. It’s community style so even at the $1 level you will get full benefits. This will allow me to donate to causes I care about and people in my community who really need it. It will also allow me to work on the work I am best at and most passionate about. Hopefully I will soar past my first goal and be able to buy some decent recording and editing equipment so I can bring you podcasts and video content about tarot, the occult, art and my queer, chronically ill life as it pertains to all of the above.

As part of this Patreon, I am emphasizing my work to make tarot accessible-not only in content by exploring what the tarot has to say to marginalized people or others who have trouble relating to it, but even in price and the ability to learn easily and cheaply. That means a return to this blog in addition to Patron only writing. This blog and creating theatre work have been the two things I’ve missed the most this year. My theatre life is making a slow, scheduled return that I’m sure you’ll hear all about in coming months.

The blog I am thrilled to bring back as well. I’ve had almost whole year to dream up spells, funny stories, and tarot spreads and knowledge for you. I’ve had almost a whole year to miss you all so much and am so eager to come back.

Thank you so much for rejoining me on this journey. I will absolutely post when my Patreon goes live—and I’ll be posting pretty regularly from now on.

In the meantime, Blessed Be!

Reclaiming Hestia: For queerdos and weirdos everywhere who still crave home

                            Please ignore my very messy mess on my Hestia altar.

                            Please ignore my very messy mess on my Hestia altar.

I grew up in a pretty unstable home, and for a long time that seemed to have had polar effects on my sister and I. She wanted to become a wife and mother as quickly as possible. Me? I moved 1,500 miles away and just accepted that in this economy you moved every year. I prefer saving for travel to recarpeting my floors. Queerness, I am sure, played a part of this ambivalence about having a steadfast home too. Every happy family on TV was a mom, dad, some kids they'd had since those kids were babies. None of them looked like me, and I knew family sit-com life would not be mine. This is nothing I was bitter about, but it also meant I had no reason to aspire to those things. I didn't have an aversion, per se, to home, it just didn't resonate. I didn't care.

That is, of course, until I did. My queerplatonic partner and I have been us for weeellll over a decade. Somehow in between all of our romantic break ups with respective partners, toxic roommates coming and going (plus some good ones), and all kinds of art happening within our walls we became family. This was a healing and affirming and beautiful realization but suddenly home meant something. Family wasn't some far off thing I would start building once I found the woman or non-binary person of my dreams, it was something I was already building. It was something I had probably always had.

Then just as this became important to me, we were homeless for a summer. Now, we were staying with very good friends and things could have been a lot worse, and for that, and for them, I am eternally grateful. As I was putting together and practicing some pretty intense witchcraft, desperate for a place to call my own though, it felt different than it ever had before. I didn't just want a space big enough to see clients. I wanted a space where my queerplatonic partner and I (and our family that is right now just cats but won't always be) could stretch out and grow. We want romantic partners. We want foster kids. I really want a rabbit. This latter fact is maybe a point of mild contention. I didn't want a space to sleep at night and keep my stuff. I wanted a home. Once I realized that, everything felt different, including the things in my spiritual practice. Suddenly not only was I, former Queen Vagabond, looking for a home, but I was finding my solace in Hestia.

When I first started studying and learning witchery, I was very attracted to the Greek pantheon, probably because it was the only one I really knew. I hadn't looked at it or touched it in years though, with the exception of Hecate who has remained the primary source of my prayers and devotion. Even when I was working with very Greek energy though, Hestia never hit my soul. Probably for the reasons outlined above: home didn't mean a lot for me, so why would a Goddess charged with keeping homes happy and prosperous and home-oriented? Yet when my life was falling apart just as I realized how important my family having a home was, Hestia came to me. Nothing explicit or overwhelming, and sometimes it was a Celtic or Welsh version of her. Yet there she was, with all her hearth-loving glory, listening to my prayers and flickering in my candlelight, promising that she would find us a home, a very queer one, for our very queer family.

My story ends happily, with my queerplatonic partner and I in a very wonderful three bedroom with two bathrooms and plenty of space. Hestia has her own altar here. She not only keeps us organized and grateful, but she ensures that she's keeping this space as weird and queer and artsy as we need it to be. For us this means:

  • On her altar, I light two candles. One for general blessings and prosperity, and one for weirdness and queerness and magick. That one may or may not have Wednesday Addams on it.

  • Doing regular love spells to bring us each queer lovers and eventual romantic partners.

  • Cooking with intention; what will make us feel good and taste good?

  • Being very intentional about who we let into the space. My boundaries have been violated in my own home more times than I'd ever have time to recount. We want to be kind, and generous, and wonderful to people who deserve it. The best way to do that is not to let those don't in.

  • We keep it much, much cleaner than we used to. Some of this is because of the way my OCD and anxiety have manifested later in life, but I also do think it honors the construct of home a lot better to respect the space.

                                      My very happy familiars in my very happy home.

                                      My very happy familiars in my very happy home.

If YOU want to reclaim or honor Hestia (or any!) gods of the home, you don't have to think big. The bulk of my spiritual practice revolves around ancestral, environmentally inspired, or spirit work. My primary Goddess is still Hecate. I work with various entities and with specific spells. A home diety practice should be simple, albeit mostly daily. Here's how to get started.

  • Build a small altar with a plant, an incense that smells homey to you, and a candle. Small tokens like charms of houses, hearths, hearts, etc. should be added. If you aren't good with plants, get a succulent or a small terrarium instead.

  • Add to the altar anything that specifically speaks to whatever you want said Goddess or God to nurture in the space. For example, we keep some things meant to inspire and bring in romantic love and sex for each of us, some charms that symbolize friendship, and some things that represent spirits of our loved ones that have passed. We keep lots of artsy and witchy things too, such as a charm with drama masks and a pen to represent writing opportunities. I keep a small charm of a car to represent my free spirit and traveling soul. Being full of wanderlust and having a safe, warm home base to come back to are not mutually exclusive.

  • Keep your windows free from things that block your view outside. (By which I mean remove stacks of books or furniture blocking the window. You can obviously have curtains.)

  • Keep your house as clean as you need it to be to feel homey and cozy. Everyone's tolerance for this is different but if your kitchen stresses you out, it's time to start cleaning it often enough that it doesn't get to that point.

  • Prep or cook food sometimes! Even if you're like me and the cost analysis for a single pringle such as yourself says it's actually cheaper to eat a Hot Pocket and a cup of yogurt for lunch or even run across the street for a $3 sandwich, the kitchen is very important to most gods of home. You don't have to be a master chef, but taking a few meals a week to put care into what you're eating makes a huge difference where both self and spiritual care are concerned. The idea of family meals at home, even for queerlings like us, is also really important.

  • Final addition/starting point for your home diety worship? Something to represent “keep us queer, keep us weird.” We have the aforementioned Wednesday Addams candle and a whole host of other bizarre goodies we keep on or near our workspace for Hestia.

This post won't resonate with everyone. Had I read it five years ago, it wouldn't have resonated with me. In five more years, it may not again, but this is where I am today: staring in the face of the Goddess of Hearth and Home who is trying to help me, love me, and keep me safe, and deciding to reclaim her.

Blessed be y'all.

What Do You Owe Yourself in Troubling Times?

I am not a political writer; I struggle a lot with imposter syndrome and feeling like my thoughts are "smart" enough to say publicly and wondering if my sadness comes from empathy or guilt. I have nothing new to say about Charlottesville. I have innovative to say about this administration. I have no idea what my message should be besides the usual ones of anger, horror, and sadness. 

But I do know that I care deeply about the marginalized, none of whom are safe now. While this act of terror was being planned in Charlottesville, local Nazi groups were hanging signs in my so-called "Blue oasis" of a city "warning" white straight men about the homosexual menace and encouraging people to come to a meeting to learn to fight back against us. It was disgusting and terrifying. I cried for a day and a half when I heard. The biggest threat these groups pose is still to people of color and the event in Charlottesville was an attempt to claim white, racist culture as valid and scare black and non-white people into silence. It is revolting, and it requires every ounce of strength we have to fight back. 

Which means that it also requires taking care of ourselves, without excuse, without getting "permission", and without regret. You can not fight if you're about to pass out.  Stop when you feel overwhelmed and ask yourself "What do I owe myself today?"

I absolutely owe my future self the knowledge that I stood on the right side of history and that I fought for my rights and those of people of color and disabled people. I owe myself the better world I am trying to build. But I also owe my current self a full night of rest, a glass of cold water when I'm thirsty, to spend that unexpected tip money on a cold press when I'm dragging. I owe myself the acceptance of the love others give me. I owe myself the peace that comes from saying no sometimes. If I don't give myself those things, who will? Most importantly, if I don't give myself the things I need, I will be useless when directly faced with a fight. Activist burnout is so real, and complete exhaustion is the number one reason my clients who proudly belong to marginalized communities come to see me. As pressing and urgent as creating as much change as quickly as possible is, you absolutely owe it to yourself not to burn out entirely. 

Maybe your needs are different. Maybe you don't sleep well anyway and need downtime instead. Maybe you hate coffee but need soda to keep you going. Regardless, you certainly deserve rest, to eat and drink well, to be loved. 

And then, when you are rested and restored, remember: We do not deserve for bigotry and hatred to win, and most of us will not be able to live with ourselves if we don't do our part. We owe ourselves the things that make us feel renewed.

We also owe ourselves this fight. 

My Water Altar! (Plus How to Build Your Own!)

Creating an Elemental Altar

 

I work very well with altars. I have one to Hecate and my ancestors. I have an ongoing prosperity spell that has become it's own altar. My living room windowsill collects more and more things to and from Hestia. Then the other night, I was re-reading the blog I penned shortly after my birthday and checking in with myself about how I was feeling on the whole “leaning into my emotions” thing when it hit me: I need a Water altar. I am a Pisces babe through and through, even when I suppress it. Which means that in times when I'm trying to heal and push myself to allow my own watery tendencies to heal me, I needed an altar to work with to push me on my way. I decided to build my Water Altar for two reasons:
 

  1. To have a daily visual, spiritual reminder to honor my truest, most watery self every day.

  2. To have an altar paying respect to the spiritual entities that come from or frequently work with water.

I'm so happy with how my altar is looking already that I thought I'd share how to curate appropriate objects and build your own elemental altar. Whether you need to build an altar to your own sign's element, to an element who's energy you're lacking, or if you need a specific element's help for a specific spell or ritual, this should help. Here's what I put on mine:

  1. A tarot card! Obviously the first thing I rifled through to serve as the base of my water altar was the tarot deck I use for spellwork. I pulled out the Ace of Cups. The Ace of the corresponding suit is ideal; a Court card or any you strongly connect with would also work.

  2. Objects organically and responsibly given from that element. Examples would be feathers or leaves for Air. Stones and twigs work great for Earth. Matches or charcoal would work splendidly for Fire. In the case of Water, I used Lake Superior Agate that I pulled in real life, nautilus shells friends have given me over the years, a starfish I received as part of a gift basket once, and some seashells I picked up on an L.A. Beach. I do have two hard and fast rules for this part of building any altar, but especially one to an element. Number One: I don't take from anywhere with a sign posted saying I can't. Number Two: I have to ask a Spiritual Entity for permission (and receive that permission), even if it feels like something is screaming for me to take it. Gifted objects also work great for this part though, so if you are someone who doesn't take from nature at all, that's a perfectly reasonable way to add such objects.

  3. A touch of whimsy! I have a glass whale I've had forever that looks so cute sitting at the head of the water altar. I have a sea turtle that I'm sussing out if it belongs there are not. Relevant charms from a charm casting set or charm jewelry set also work. Toys, poems, song lyrics you wrote down—anything that adds a touch of whimsy and lightness will make those elemental energies very happy and eager to collaborate with you.

  4. Anything else that speaks to you. My black moonstone was screaming to go on the altar, and my quartz pendulum seemed pretty happy too. This altar wants NO fire as of now, so I left off candles. This is a purely intuitive side of the work, and a crucial one because of that.

  5. The actual element! A candle that you light daily for Fire, stones or a literal cup of dirt for Earth, incense or an ethically harvested bird skeleton for Air are great examples of this. I literally just made Moon Water in a mason jar and stuck it on my altar.

That's it! No need to overcomplicate it. Besides, I'm a firm believer in living altars, which means I'll still use that pendulum on the go sometimes and it goes with me that day. Other stones may wanted added, or the Black Moonstone may end up getting used a different way. Tokens and emblems I find at a beach or receive as a gift could end up getting added, or not. I let my altars grow or shrink and use what's there when I work with it. I'd love to see pictures of your own elemental altars—hit me up on social media to show off!

Blessed Be y'all!

Oatmeal, Lavender and Hyssop Bath--oh my!

Hello all! I'm doing a quick blog today to give you a recipe for a Spiritual Cleanse: this one's a bath! This is one of my favorite rituals that I've almost perfected over the past couple of years. I have a small tub, so adjust accordingly to the size of yours. This bath is perfect for: New Moon Rituals, special full moons (I did it on the last super Moon, for example, after a trying year so far), any Sabbat/holiday/special ritual devoted to cleansing, or anytime it just feels like you're carrying to much "stuff" around with you and it's time to shuck it off.

Obviously I found this photo online, though normally all photos are my own.

Obviously I found this photo online, though normally all photos are my own.

In a small wooden or porcelain bowl, I pour:

  • 1/2 cup of oatmeal
  • handful or two of lavender buds
  • smaller handful of hyssop OR you can use hyssop oil
  • 2-3 big drops of eucalyptus oil
  • 1-2 drops of peppermint oil (the smell is often a little overpowering and I prefer to smell the lavender as theprimary note)
  • a couple of crumbled, dry sage leaves (2-3 large or 5 medium)

    ***If you prefer, any skin safe oils can be applied directly into bath water***

After it's all in there I use a small spoon or spatula and mix it up until the smell, look, and texture is evenly spread and a little more cohesive. I have a small stash of small mesh bags that tie off that I poured it all into, but if you don't have such a bag, any handmade mesh, cheesecloth, or even pantyhose-style nylon satchel will work. (Bonus, you can do some knot spells as you tie off the handmade ones!) As I mix and pour I think about all the stuff I'm try to cleanse and scrub away with the bath. This is a pretty intense cleansing spell, so the further into that pain, frustrating, aura-murking stuff you can, the better you can let yourself go, the better. Then I light sage in the bathroom itself, run my bath, and toss my satchel into it while it fills up. I usually light a candle and do this in the dark, but that's completely unnecessary. I just have a thing about overhead lights. (I hate them.) In that time I try to clear my mind and focus on what my goals are afterwards. What does shedding this murkiness and ick look like? What happens tomorrow when I'm spiritually squeaky clean and invigorated. I put and aim those intentions into the bath, then I bathe! I usually just sit in the nice, scented hot water, occasionally squeezing the satchel for an extra "oomph" for awhile. I use a washcloth or loofah to actually bathe and scrub myself towards the end though, because I like physicality. I don't think it's actually necessary. Then I rinse, drain, and towel off!

I feel an IMMEDIATE difference usually, but I'll suck down some cold, filtered if possible, water and get a solid eight hours if I can too, because those things really help you feel it the NEXT day, and moving forward. This past one went EXTREMELY well. I feel almost reborn, which isn't the norm, but I always feel more clear-headed and like I've let go of all of those minor irritations that lead to big things.

Feel free to use as often as you feel necessary It's also a really nice, relaxing bath otherwise so you don't have to put all the extra woo and witchcraft in every time.

Until next time, Blessed be!

Basic Witchery for When Life Is SO Bad (or Busy) You Just Can't

I am beyond stressed right now. Beyond. I need an apartment confirmed last week and I am still searching. I have spent so much money on housing applications that I'm questioning how necessary eating is (very important, don't follow my path on this). I am exhausted. I run a theatre company, I write actually professionally, and I run a tarot business. On top of that I am chronically ill, and now I am spending hours a week house hunting.

Suffice it to say, my daily spiritual care has taken a bit of a backseat. BUT never fear, I'm here to talk about the things I DO remember to do every day (and you can too!) to stay as grounded, focused, and feeling like my witchy, whimsical, overly ambitious self.

  • Carry your stones around. It sounds obvious, but I leave them on my altar most of the time...but I don't really have an altar right now, so they are in a box and my favorites/the most necessary ones get pocketed every day. I have a peacock ore I got in LA that I feel almost paternal towards, and a small jet palm stone. Both of those help me find and center myself when the anxiety seems overwhelming. And when that doesn't work, tourmilated quartz specifically works to turn overwhelm to joy, and unakite is sometimes thought to pull negativity right out of you. Those are MY favorites for trying or hectic times, but you may have some of your own. Find some time to sit with them in your hands, or just give them a QUICK charge of your energy in the morning.
  • Essential oil! (or oil mixes) A lot of them can not be applied directly onto your skin without some problems, so ask your friendly metaphysical store clerk before assuming. Once you have one that is, keep a small vial near you for whatever purposes you need. I like Dragon's Blood for urgency, and have some Rosemary and Peppermint I mixed myself to cry out to Hestia right now. I also have prosperity and protection mixes that I like. I bring this up, because a lot of times we get them for aromatherapy diffusers or to dress candles or do other extensive work with, but if you have a skin-safe oil, you can just slap it on your pulse points and under your nose, say a (QUICK!) incantation, and be on your way.
  • Incantations: for focus, for calm, and for anything else you need in the moment. My meditative practice is really more of a theory right now, but I still take a few seconds every few hours to fondle my amethyst and moonstone pendants, and restate my intentions for the day. It takes maybe 10 minutes total throughout the whole day.
  • Light a candle while you're doing other stuff. Enough said. Sprinkle herbs on your windowsill. Pet an animal. Get your feet in the dirt or natural water for even one minute. Shower more consciously, with more attention to the water and your body.

These are a few of the things I trade off when daily meditations and nightly candle lightings can't happen, and no, it's not perfect and I still feel like I'm falling apart throughout much of my day--but I can calm my panic and meet most of my goals, magickal or otherwise, with keeping up my efforts but changing what they look like. Hope this is helpful to you too, and I'd love to hear how you stay witchy when life is wicked.

Blessed be!

Take A Break. Take a Breathe.

The Southern Theater During One Minute Play Festival

The Southern Theater During One Minute Play Festival

I love theater. I love it with a passion and intensity that sometimes keeps me up at night reading script after script or watching illegally downloaded scenes (shhh!) online. This is in addition to throwing a substantial amount of my money, time, and spoons into seeing it live. I produce at least three events a year, and that's a slow year and a conservative estimate. I am a renaissance soul, and I am as passionate about spirituality and the career it has provided me, about literature and my dreams of contributing to the literary world, and social justice activism--but nonetheless, theatre is a driving force in my life.

Three years I did five shows back to back, with no break whatsoever, and in fact, prep for 2-4 at a time overlapped significantly. By the end of that final event, which I loved and was so proud of, I was crying almost every day. Everything set me off. I was at max capacity stress level. I was barely scraping myself together for tarot clients and my day job (which I have since quit but that's a different story for a different day), and I wasn't writing at all because I was spent. I was also the second sickest I have ever been. My arthritis wasn't flaring up so much as I was living in the first flare-up that happened in that time for months on end. My PCOS was out of control and there were days I could not keep water down. Yet I was up, working at least 15 hour days between theatre and my other obligations EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was absurd.

So I stopped doing anything but Gadfly. For a really long time. And this past year, Gadfly didn't do any mainstage work until last month, so after this much time not directing, getting back into two projects in a row (that, then One Minute Play Festival) felt exhilarating. It felt like I was me again. I cried Sunday night after 1MPF ended because I was so happy. I even went out with afterwards, had an amazing time and felt almost no social anxiety.

So what changed? First of all, 10/10 recommend taking a break when you need one. If you're making connections, doing good work, and pleasant to be around, contrary to what you think in the heat of it, no one will blame you from stepping away from your field for health, mental health, or any other reason. (Family! Travel! Because!) Your field is probably not steeped in totally unreasonable assholes, and if it is--well, maybe you need to talk to yourself about that. It is so important to take care of yourself and your work, regardless of your field, will suffer if you are crying every day and driving yourself to literal sickness. So take a break. Get some distance. When you start missing it--go back! As SOON as I told people I was interested in both performing storytelling and directing theatre again, things started to trickle in. It takes time to rebuild, but you are not rebuilding from nothing. You unfortunately also will not be building QUITE from where you left off, but somewhere in between is not the worst thing to happen, and if it's gonna save you your sanity or physical health you HAVE to do it.

Time and space were not the only difference though. Unrelated--or so I thought, I went on a big self-care, physical and mental health...quest, I guess? In theatre, and I am not slamming anyone personally because it runs so deep in that culture, it is considered bragging rights to have had the least sleep, to have not had time to eat in three days, to not have friends outside of the show because you don't have time. Everyone goes out and gets drunk together every night, and cures their hangovers with coffee and jumps right into it again. While I know people who navigate this successfully, I did not. Many close to me did not. After some time away and learning to listen to my body, I didn't run into these problems this go.

Of course I ran on less sleep during tech and shows the past month. But I supplemented with water, getting to bed as soon as I could, eating when I was hungry, and finding even five minutes every few hours to sit and do something unrelated--read an article, read a book, journal a fun quote someone said, play Pokemon Go. You need breaks in your day when you're working that hard. I'm no self-care expert though I've come a long way, but what this past month made me realize is this:

You can have your passions and your health.

There's no life hack, magic trick, or prescription to provide both to you though, as both are journeys and take work. There isn't a secret metaphysical ritual we're holding out on you about. But you can listen to your body and your soul and adhere to their requests--and that's pretty much all most spellwork is anyway.

Take a break. Take a breathe. Take your life back. You'll still meet your goals.

Until next time, Blessed be.

Your Magical Forecast For the Week + Where to Find Me

Hey Friends! I'm trying out something new this week, which is kind of the name of the game on this blog. I love doing deck and book reviews, as well as just general musing and blogging, but I want to offer some further insight into what the week has in store astrologically/magickally/etc. This way if you don't know what to get a reading about OR just want to know how to make the most of your days, you'll have some extra input.

As a reminder, we start this week with our five planets still in retrograde: Mercury, (the doozy), Saturn (pretty common--most of us effected minimally), Mars, Jupiter, and Pluto--which is still a planet astrologically, even if science has abandoned it :P This means communication could be difficult or even miserable at this time, so certainly readings about interpersonal communications and/or how to communicate most effectively are a marvelous idea. Another great idea is spending some time figuring out how to use this energy to your benefit. It's a great time for introverts to answer some bigger picture questions, and depending on your how astrological chart it could be a positive time for soothing old feuds or finishing projects that you've been postponing.

The biggest thing though, is spring in general. Even with the planets being a little wonky, this is always a good time to clean out your closet/purse/friends list, and that in and of itself can be an act of self-care or magick. Additionally, "Spring Fever" hits many of us pretty hard, making it a prime time to connect with Mother Nature and exercise our bodies, which again, can be an act of self-care or magick in and of itself. It's also a prime time for carnal and sensual connections, so sex magick and relationship readings are aspected well.

The Moon starts the week in Cancer, so if you feel a little emotional or your inner knight-in-shining-armor starts screaming to save and take care of everyone, take a breathe and assess if these are genuine feelings rooted in something real or if it's likely just the moon. This does make these next couple of days great for those who are caretakers, starting relationships, or craving bonding moments with others. The Moon moves into Leo on Thursday, so get ready to attack some of those unfinished projects with vigor, and spend some extra self-care time on your appearance. Any haircuts, makeovers, or fitness goals are aspected well at this time. The END of the week sees the Moon in Virgo, assuring all that caretaking and throwing yourself into finishing projects is doubly well aspected for you over the weekend.

AND if you're all pumped and ready for readings in ANY line, you can find me:

At Eye of Horus Monday and Wednesday 3-9
By email on a 48 hour turnaround all week.
By appointment private appointment Thurs-Sunday.

Blessed Be,
Cassandra

Magick Doesn't Have To Be Candles and Chanting

Last Full Moon, not this one, I was preparing a bath for physical healing and gearing up my playlist for emotional healing, my intended spellwork a simple deep breath and succumbing to the water and music. As I let the steam rise and Cher belted out "You Haven't Seen the Last of Me" it occurred to me that when people starting an alternative spiritual path tell me they don't know where to start, they're likely already doing so many amazing things that already are "magick", "spellwork", or even "prayer." So this is a completely non-comprehensive list for mystical newbies of all the ways you can "start practicing" by simply noting or more purposely intending the things you already do. It's mostly meant to get your brain jogging.

  • I already mentioned music--if there are songs in any genre that get you in a clear headspace, amp you up for your next project, or make you feel confident, or sexy, or grateful, sit and actually listen and take them in when you need to conjure that.
  • Food! I am 99% sure that most of you reading eat at least a couple of times a day. Try planning a few meals a week super intentionally. I'm not talking about super advanced kitchen witchery which can feel intimidating, but try thinking about what food makes you feel healthy, confident, or connected to others and plan your meals around that.
  • Dress more intentionally. Most people do dress somewhat intentionally for the day, but you can go something extra and mystical to your morning routine just by taking a couple of minutes to think about what you're putting on. If you're trying to attract wealth, are you allowing yourself to wear your "nicer" clothes with any regularity? Because you probably should be. If you're trying to attract love, are you wearing clothes that make you feel sexy and confident? If you're trying to heal your body are you wearing clothes that are comfortable, airy, and allow for movement? You can amp this practice up if you know color coordinates, too. Red not only helps with love and sex, but may make you feel confident and passionate about your presentation at work, for example.
  • Home decor! Feng Shui gets a bad rap, in part because no one in the Western world really knows what they're doing. However, the ideas are solid and it stands to reason that the colors, shapes, and memories attached to the objects in your home make you feel a certain way when you see them. So much of my own Paganism is rooted in stone work but you don't have to keep crystals around--any tokens that make you feel confident, healing, and inspire you to manifest the things you want out of life should be visibly placed in your living space.

Those are just a couple of ways you can dip your toes into the endless pools of mysticism (and a few examples of how). Feel free to add your own below!

Blessed be, y'all.

Witch on the Go! Packing Tips

I've been a practicing Pagan for a number of years, and I've been struck with a bad case of wanderlust basically my entire life. It's not practical for my wallet or the things that keep it from being empty to pick up and take luxurious excursions when the mood strikes me, so I do a lot of day trips or overnights to get some fresh-to-me air and perspective. I do have a daily spiritual practice that involves prayer, meditation, and tarot if not out-and-out spellcraft, and as such I have my minimalist packing down to a tee.

The biggest tip I can give is to think about the most bare basics of what you do every day, and pack that plus one or two "Extras". I use an astrology-inspired scarf to wrap it all up together, but anything to keep it safe and together--a box, a bag, etc. is fine. Truth be told, I can practice my religion with nothing, but I know a lot of witches can not, and I do love using other stuff. For example, this is what I'm packing to visit the wild city of Blooming Prairie, MN tomorrow and Saturday. By wild city, I mean friends from college live there.

Pictured above are:

  • A very, very condensed version of my gems collection. They include two blue lace agates--one I found in my apartment and one I found in Lake Superior on a different day trip meant to boost confidence and communication skills, a small snowflake obsidian point for grounding and protection, an amethyst to keep my third eye and creative skills sharp, and a clear quartz for general energy work while there.
  • A tea light candle. I can use this for almost everything--meditation, to amplify the quartz' work, a quick candle spell. 
  • Small vials of Prosperity oil, which I can anoint the candle with or just wear to attract abundance even while I'm out playing, and Vanilla perfume--thought to attract both love and money.
  • A cinnamon whisk. This was a stroke of luck find at Trader Joe's. It's a very small heather broom coated in cinnamon oil. It smells unreal amazing, and was $1. I use it for clearing my space and to draw positive, protective, and attraction energies into it.

Additionally, I take my journal, which serves as my Book of Shadows and idea log as well, and my Witches' datebook everywhere with me. I always have at least one tarot deck on me, but have this tiny, adorably twee deck specifically for quick trips since it fits anywhere, and still pumps out super accurate, weirdly concise readings.

That's about it--a few rocks, an oil or two, a tea light, and a small, natural multi-use implement of your choosing, and you could really get by for several days doing even heavy spiritual work. Some people will pack cone incense as well, but some hosts don't like it, so I usually forgo it. Just bring something to channel your thoughts (my deck), and something to process or record them (journal/book of shadows) and you should be good to go!

If anyone reading has tips or tricks for traveling magick, feel free to add to the conversation below. Blessed be!